Best regards,
Gerhard Self
I added my address and phone number. Then I called a taxi and headed for the train station. By late afternoon I was back in Berlin.
I don’t know what devil possessed me. Instead of rebooking my flight and leaving immediately or discarding the ticket and taking the next train home, I settled in again at the hotel on Unter den Linden, went strolling through Berlin again, and ended up once more at the Hallesches Tor metro station. What was I looking for? I had also gone to the street where I grew up. The hydrant where I pumped some water with a large lever, just for fun, might well have been the same one where I had pumped water as a child. I wasn’t quite sure.
It was the others who were at the Hallesches Tor this time. Black pants and jackets, and a few girls in grungy black outfits. I didn’t recognize them, but they recognized me. “That’s the old guy who was shouting ‘Heil Hitler’ the other day. You’re an old Nazi, right?”
I didn’t say anything. Hadn’t they seen that I’d been forced to play along, and that I’d ended up in the canal?
They crowded around me, forcing me back against the railing. What childish faces, I thought. What foolish, eager, childish faces. But I felt I had been punished sufficiently two days ago for the “Heil Hitlers.” Perhaps I merited more punishment for the many “Heil Hitlers” all those years ago and all the misery I had caused as public prosecutor. But not from these children.
“Please let me through.”
“We’re the Antifa!” They, too, had a leader of the pack, a tall thin fellow wearing glasses. When I tried to wriggle my way through, he pushed his hand against my chest. “We don’t want any fascists in our city.”
“Aren’t there enough young people you can teach that lesson to?”
“One thing at a time! First the older generation, then the young!” He was still pressing his hand against my chest.
I lost control of myself. I hit his hand away and gave his foolish face two slaps-one on the left cheek and one on the right. He threw himself at me and pressed me against the railing. This time there was no “One, two, three!”-the others helped him silently with set mouths until I hung head-down. I fell with a splash into the water.
I was standing once again on the sidewalk, taxis kept driving by, first slowing down when the driver saw me wave, then speeding away when the driver saw my wet clothes. A patrol car did the same. Finally a young woman had mercy on me, asked me into her car, and dropped me off in front of my hotel. The doorman who’d been on duty two days before was standing at his post again. He recognized me and laughed out loud. I didn’t think it was funny.
22 An old circus horse
I didn’t find saying good-bye to Berlin at all difficult. I looked down as the plane flew in a wide arc over the city on Saturday morning. A lot of water, a lot of green, straight and crooked streets, large and small houses, churches with towers, churches with cupolas-everything a city needs. One can’t deny that Berlin is a big city. That Berliners are unfriendly, their children unruly, their taxi drivers inhospitable, their policemen incompetent, and their doormen impolite-perhaps that is to be expected in a city that has been subsidized for decades. But I don’t like it.
I arrived in Mannheim feeling just as grim, chilled, and feverish as I had felt leaving Berlin. Nägelsbach had left a message on my machine that my car had been moved from outside the police station, where I had left it, to the Werderstrasse. He had seen to it that it wouldn’t be towed to the Friesenheimer Insel outside of town but parked near my place, and I wouldn’t have to pay a fine. Georg was back from Strasbourg and wanted to report to me. Brigitte had taken Manu to Beerfelden for the weekend. Welker was urging me to meet with him, by Sunday morning at the latest: he’d be in his office over the weekend and would be expecting my call and visit. Among the messages there was also a whining one from Karl-Heinz Ulbrich: This isn’t right, we need to talk. He’d gotten himself a cell phone and wanted me to call him. I erased his message without taking down the number.
The few steps from my office to my apartment were like wading through mud, and on the stairs I worried that again I wouldn’t make it, like before Christmas. I got into bed and called Philipp. He wasn’t on duty at the hospital and came over right away.
“I can’t tell you how relieved I am you’re here,” I told him. “Will you give me a quick checkup and get me a prescription? I have to be back on my feet by tomorrow.”
He took out his stethoscope. “Let’s see if this thing still works-I haven’t used it since I was an intern.”
I coughed, held my breath, breathed in and out. There was a rattling; I could hear it, too. His face looked grave, and he got up. “You’re going to have to take some antibiotics. I’ll go down to the drugstore and get some for you. As for your being up and about tomorrow, forget it.”
“I’ve got to get up.”
“When I get back you can explain why, and I’ll talk you out of it.”
He took my key and left. Or was he still standing at my bedside? No, he was back already with the medicine and had brought a glass of water from the kitchen.
“Take this.”
I’d fallen asleep.
He got a chair from the kitchen and sat down next to my bed. “It’s just a matter of time before you have your next heart attack, even though you smoke less. If you’re in a weakened condition, like you are now, and also exert yourself, the risks are especially high. I know you’ll do what you want, but the question is simple enough: Is whatever you’re intending to do tomorrow worth the risk? Aren’t there things that are worth more? More important cases, an adventure with Manu, a wild night with Brigitte?”
“There was a time when you’d have put a wild night with Brigitte at the top of the list, or you’d have prescribed me two rambunctious nurses,” I said.
He grinned. “When I think of all the suggestions I made! Just pearls before swine! You should thank your lucky stars that you’ve got Brigitte. Without her you’d be a sour old grouch.”
“What about you?”
“Me? I’m glad I’ve got my little Furball. I think I’ll brace myself and give marrying her another go.”
I thought of the first time he’d given marrying Füruzan a “go.” I had waited for Philipp with Füruzan-a proud, beautiful Turkish nurse-her mother, and her brother. Then, right at the door of the town hall, Philipp, dead drunk, had announced that he couldn’t go through with the marriage, and Füruzan’s brother had attacked him with a knife. I thought how Philipp had lain in the hospital recuperating from his wounds and had gone off women.
“And you’ll never touch another woman?” I asked him now.
He raised his hands and slowly lowered them again. “When a woman looks at me, I look back. I’m like an old circus horse. When he hears all the commotion and fanfare, he goes trotting around the arena. But he’d much rather be in his stable, munching oats. And just as the public can tell that the circus horse is old, even though he goes trotting around the arena, women notice it in me, too, even though I look at them and flirt and know what they like to hear and how they like to be touched.” He stared into the distance.
“Did you see it coming?” I asked.
“I always thought that when the time comes all my memories would compensate me for what the present would be depriving me of. But remembering doesn’t work. I can tell myself what was, and how it was, and that it was great; I can conjure up pictures in my inner eye. But I can’t conjure up the feeling. I know that a woman’s breasts felt really good, or her bottom, or that she had a certain way of moving when she was on top of me that was just… or that she would… But I only know it, I don’t experience it. I don’t feel the feeling.”