“Where did Donna and Johan go?”
Hearing those names was weird. Captain Vorstadt—Admiral Vorstadt as he’d later become—they had lived on the Base near us. I remember that Mrs. Vorstadt was friendly with Caro. She’d been there when we’d been ripped apart and Caro was sent away. They’d been stationed at NAS Key West after that. But that wasn’t what caught my attention.
“How did you know they went away?”
Caro hesitated before she replied.
“I wrote to them,” she said at last.
I leaned forward, staring at her, trying to ease the truth out of her.
“When?” I croaked.
“Around the time of your 21st birthday, Sebastian. And I wrote to Shirley and Mitch. My letters were returned to sender, unopened. I assumed they’d either gone away or…”
I swallowed several times.
“So, you did try to contact me?”
I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. Did that mean…?
“Yes and no,” Caro said carefully. “I wanted to believe that you’d gone on with your life and I didn’t want to … disrupt anything. That’s why I tried to contact Shirley and Mitch. I wanted to find out if my approach would be a positive thing—or not. When my letter was returned…”
She’d tried to find me? It smelled like bullshit. Two fucking letters in three years. She’d promised me that we’d be together forever and...
She was a journalist, for fuck’s sake—she could have found me … if she wanted to.
“Everyone said I should just forget about you.” I laughed without humor. “As if that was even possible. I tried to find you, Caro, but I didn’t know your surname—your unmarried name—and the only person who knew was…” your ex-husband. “I left messages everywhere I could think of. I asked the new tenants at your house, at Shirley and Mitch’s, and Donna’s—I asked them to forward any mail to me … I guess that didn’t happen. Fuck, Caro, we would have been…”
All these years wasted. IF she was telling the truth.
I took a long drink of wine, hoping that she hadn’t noticed my hands were shaking.
“You thought I didn’t care.”
Her voice was soft and filled with sadness. I didn’t dare believe it.
“I didn’t know what to think at first. Later … yeah, I guess I thought you’d … moved on.”
She sighed, dropping her gaze. “I did move on, Sebastian: I had to. When those letters came back … and even before I sent them, I thought you’d be better off without me. I suppose I hoped that your life would be … different. More like Ches’s. I guess that explains why you were so unpleasant these last few days.”
She was right—I’d been a prick.
“Shit, I’m really sorry about that. It was just such a fucking shock. I didn’t know what to think. It sent me into a real tailspin.”
“It was a shock for me, too, Sebastian,” she said firmly, “but I didn’t behave like a dick.”
She was feisty these days. I couldn’t help smiling.
“Not your style, Caro.”
God she was beautiful. She wasn’t wearing a ring, but there was no way she could be single after all this time, even if she wasn’t dating the French asshole.
She stared at me then leaned back in her chair.
“Just ask me, Sebastian.”
She’d always been able to read me.
“You’re so fearless, Caro, I love that about you. I was wondering … if you were seeing anyone.”
I held my breath until she answered.
“No, I’m not.”
Thank fuck. “But you were? I mean … since…”
She shook her head, but I wasn’t sure what that meant.
“I dated a couple of times,” she explained slowly, “but no, there was nothing serious. Besides, I travel too much to sustain a relationship. And I definitely don’t want to get tied down again.”
Was that her way of telling me she wasn’t interested in me?
“What about you?” she asked. “Any significant other?”
I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Fuck, no!”
She gave me a challenging look and raised her eyebrows. “That’s not what I heard.”
“What? What did you hear?” I demanded.
She blinked a couple of times.
“About your CO’s wife—in Paris? Maybe it was just gossip.”
I couldn’t help grinning. “Oh, that. Guy was a first class bastard—he deserved it.”
Caro shook her head disapprovingly. “And did she ‘deserve’ it? His wife?”
My smile vanished. Celia, my CO’s wife, was a vain cunt who had screwed her way through half the staff before me.
“Yes, she did.” Stupid bitch.
“And the possibility of getting court-martialed and thrown out of the Corps … that didn’t matter to you either?”
I shrugged. “I don’t give a shit.” It was the truth.
Suddenly, Caro pushed her glass away.
“Well, I think I’ll call it a night now, Sebastian.”
Wait, what?
“Don’t go, Caro! We’ve only just started talking again. You haven’t finished your wine, you…”
“No, I’m tired,” she insisted.
She started to stand but I reached out, resting my hand on her leg.
“Caro, I really want you.”
Her face darkened, and I realized my words had come out really fucking wrong.
“For God’s sake, Sebastian!” she hissed, her voice quietly furious. “We have one civilized drink together and you think I’m just going to fall into bed with you?”
“You used to.”
“How dare you!”
Oh shit. “I didn’t mean it like that,” I said.
But she stood up to leave so I grabbed hold of her hand, desperate to stop her.
“Caro, wait! Shit! I’m sorry.”
She shook me off.
“Sebastian, we can’t just roll back the last ten years and pretend it never happened. Too much has happened—too much time has passed.”
“Come on, Caro, don’t say that.”
“Good night, Sebastian.”
And she walked away. Again. I couldn’t believe it. How had I managed to fuck things up so sensationally for the umpteenth time?
I sat there, hoping she’d come back, even though I knew she wouldn’t. I toyed with the idea of knocking on her door again, but I didn’t think that would help. She was tired and pissed.
I’d had the target in my sights, but I’d missed.
I needed a new strategy.
Hours later, I sat in my apartment with the window open, staring out across the lake. The pool of darkness surrounded by the lights of the city mirrored how I felt.
I’d been here for months, but this wasn’t home. I wasn’t sure where that was anymore. I missed my Unit. I’d had friends then—guys I’d give my life for and who’d give their life for me. Finding out I had skills with languages had been a double-edged sword, because it left me isolated within the Corps. But I hadn’t felt this lonely since Caro first left.
I hated her—what she’d done to me, the person I’d become without her in my life. But I hated more the thought of losing her again.
I’d have to mount a charm offensive, hoping for more charm and less offense this time.
I eyed the half-full bottle of whiskey waiting by my bed and seriously thought about diving into it. But I also knew that turning up hung-over and stinking of bourbon was not going to win me any votes with Caro. Instead, I changed into my sweats and took off for a run, pushing my body to the limit, trying to drive out the demons.
Sometimes it worked.
The next morning I woke early. It was something of a novelty to wake up sober; I might even start to like it again. But my nerves were kicking in, demanding a whiskey Band-aid before I headed out. This wasn’t just some woman: this was Caro. And so far I’d fucked up every encounter we’d had.
I picked up the bottle and unscrewed the lid, but Caro’s words came back to me: quit your drinking before you really do something stupid.