“Maybe the three of you can help me practice for my upcoming movie.”
Peggy gave me another kiss.
“No. You’re good.”
That was what my ego needed. We took Dave back, a much happier boy now, and finished breakfast.
◊◊◊
After church, Tami swung by and picked me up to go to the cemetery. I suspected she was worried I would bail on her.
On the way, we chatted about everything but what this trip was about: visiting the gravesite of our departed best friend, Jeff Rigger. Even after all this time, I would have a thought jump into my head that Jeff would like something. We’d been best friends since kindergarten until we lost him right before the start of our junior year.
At first, it had been just Alan, Jeff, and me. Then, in first grade, Tami had moved here and joined our group. She’d soon become our fourth musketeer. The first crack in our friendships had been entirely my fault. In middle school, I’d been lured into drinking and drugs by a girl who only used me to make another guy jealous.
If I hadn’t been so immature, I would have seen it for what it was. Alan, Jeff, and Tami had all tried to warn me, but I was too hardheaded to listen. That all led to the night where Lily had been drugged and almost died.
By that point, my friends had become so frustrated with me that Tami actually said she didn’t ever want to see me again. Looking back, I couldn’t blame them.
The next crack came when I was sent away for the summer to get my head out of my butt. That coincided with Tami being offered a chance to go to Wesleyan. At first, I’d tried to make the best of it. Of the four friends, she and I had been the closest. Almost everyone, including us, assumed we would end up married.
Between that distance and my being a slut, she decided she needed to date, too. If I’d been rational, I would have seen that it only made sense. I’m sure from the outside, it looked like I wanted to have my cake and eat it too because I basically flipped out. The problem was, I considered Tami to be mine. If she’d ever given me any indication that we could date, I wouldn’t have looked back.
Instead, she kept saying that I needed to grow up first, sow my wild oats and get it out of my system. In the end, I discovered that Tami was scared. She wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship we would have had.
I couldn’t fault her because I thought I’d finally found that with Brook. I’d eventually discovered that Brook had her doubts as well. First, for some reason, she wasn’t sure I really loved her. Then she’d put up her guard because we would be going to different schools for college. I’d already experienced what that was like with Tami leaving, so I knew it wouldn’t be fair to either Brook or me to try to stay together.
As fate would have it, Brook’s parents hit a rough spot and moved, taking the choice out of both our hands.
When Jeff died, it turned out to be the beginning of the end of the close bond between the remaining friends. Though we hadn’t realized it at the time, Jeff had been the glue that held us all together. He was also the one who held Alan and his harebrained schemes in check. Without Jeff around, Alan had no filters.
From my point of view, my friendship with Alan officially ended when he stole Lisa Felton’s journal and shared it with everyone at school. I knew that Alan hadn’t done it just to out Lisa; he’d done it mainly to get at me. From that point forward, he actively did stuff to try to hurt me.
To get Alan involved in sports, Jeff and I had talked him into keeping stats for baseball. Then we had him help run summer football practices. As he got into it, Alan found he liked being a football coach and was officially made a student coach. So, when he later began to come at me, I didn’t say or do anything because I didn’t want it to affect the team.
Then the fateful recruiting trip occurred. The final nail in our friendships’ coffin was finding Alan and Tami in bed together, naked. The used condom in the bathroom sealed it. I was done.
When the horrible truth came out that Brandon Rigby had drugged them and staged the scene, I felt awful. The silver lining was I’d needed a way to separate myself from my former friends, and this event provided it. It gave me a chance to stand on my own feet and take charge of my life. After the grim discovery, I was better able to look back and see things more clearly without the emotional baggage.
I came to the realization that Alan was no longer the childhood friend I once knew. He’d turned into a surly jerk, and I no longer wanted to have anything to do with him. Tami had asked me to reach out, so for her sake, I did, but Alan rejected me. Secretly, I was glad for it.
Tami and I were still the big question. In my heart of hearts, I still had feelings for her. Happily ever after? Well, I had my doubts that that would ever work. Only time would tell. I understood that Tami still wasn’t ready for more than friendship, and I frankly had no desire to push it anymore. I was happy with who I was and had finally discovered that I didn’t need a significant other to make me complete.
Still, I knew Tami and I would always be good friends, maybe even best friends. The question was, if she ever told me she was ready, what would I do? I couldn’t honestly answer that anymore.
We pulled into the cemetery, and I stiffened. I now understood why Tami had insisted on driving: standing at Jeff’s grave was Alan.
Tami stopped the car and grabbed my hand. She looked me in the eye.
“Please do this for me. Alan is hurting, and he needs us,” Tami said.
I didn’t say anything for a moment and then sighed.
“I guess it’s fitting that we come full circle. We all started out together and became friends. For you, I’ll make one last effort, but I don’t expect Alan will be open to it. If he acts like an ass, will you let me off the hook?” I asked.
“Deal,” Tami said.
Her eyes confirmed that she and I were on the same page.
As we grudgingly walked over, we found ourselves holding hands for support. Not just for facing Alan, but for the loss of Jeff. We walked up to the grave, and it was evident that Alan had been crying. He didn’t look up as he began to talk.
“I’ve always thought I was the lucky one, that the day Jeff drowned, someone watched over me. It could have been me in the water. I know I’m not supposed to think like that; it’s all just sentimental bullshit. I’ve become jaded, but I still feel that way.
“Did you know that Jeff stopped me from going into the water to save her?” Alan asked as he finally looked up at us.
“Can you understand what a complete shit I felt like to watch them pull Jeff out of the water and give him CPR? The whole time I’m focused on how lucky … blessed … watched over I am while my friend’s life flickers away,” he said with raw emotion in his voice.
It must have made him feel so helpless to see Jeff like that. I was glad I hadn’t been there to witness it. I’m not sure I could have handled it.
“But what if Jeff was the lucky one? He was the brightest, most golden, most alive, the best of us. The rest of us aren’t lucky at all. Not blessed, not watched over by some higher power. The ones who are left are the cowards who stood on the beach and watched.
“How could anyone want someone like that?” Alan asked and turned to me. “You with your religion. Even you would have to admit that God doesn’t want someone like me. I’m the useless sidekick who’s too worried about himself to be of any help to anyone. God, or whoever, didn’t want me. I’m the reject.”
“Alan …” I started, but he cut me off.
“We all are … rejects,” Alan said and then became quiet.
Tami and I looked at each other, not sure what to say.
Then Alan got a crazed look in his eyes.
“I bet you wonder why I went after Lisa Felton and the girls at Wesleyan?” he asked.
“Why?” I asked.
“It was because they’re drug users and sluts, and they needed to pay. They were just like Ella Keen. She caused Jeff’s death, which makes them no better,” Alan said.