“Porkie’s destruction?”
“The mob, sir. When the mob has done with us, they do with Porkie too.”
“But if they destroy Porkie, that will be the end of mankind.”
“So many ends all in a single week, sir. I don’t think it can be coincidence, do you?”
“Charlie’s beard!” said Dr Trillby.
“Language, sir,” said Tripper.
“So you’re telling me that Porkie has come up with a method of travelling through time?”
“That’s what Porkie says.”
“And how does it work?”
“Ah,” said Tripper. “Well, Porkie wouldn’t tell me that.”
“He’ll tell me,” said Dr Trillby. “I’m the director of the Institute.”
“Were, sir. We’re all out of a job now. Don’t you remember?”
“But I … but I …” Dr Trillby huffed and puffed.
“There’s really no problem, sir. Porkie has agreed that one of us can test the system to make sure that it’s safe, before he puts it online for everyone.”
“Everyone?” Dr Trillby clutched at his heart. “Everyone?”
“The man in the street,” said Tripper. “Time travel will keep the man in the street happy for centuries to come. For ever, probably.”
“No no no!” Dr Trillby sank into his chair and fanned himself with an unread report. “This is madness, madness.”
“Why, sir?”
“Because, because, oh, come off it, Tripper. You know why because. How many books have been written on the subject of time travel? Thousands, millions. Not to mention theoretical papers. Not to mention plays and movies. How many Terminator sequels have there been?”
“Several hundred,” said Blashford, “and all of them killers. Although they have tended to get a bit samey over the past few years.”
“My point is this,” said Dr Trillby. “We all know the drill. If someone from the present was to go back into the past, anything they did, anything at all, would affect the future. The very fact of them being there would affect the future. And that’s just one person. Think about those geeky fanboy types who sit all day at their home terminals discussing old music with their online cronies. Imagine what damage even one of them might do.”
“That’s why it has to be tested, sir. To make sure it’s safe. But Porkie says that it is safe. According to Porkie, the past is fixed. It cannot be altered.”
“And if Porkie is wrong?”
“Perhaps the mob would settle for Blashford.”
“What?” said Blashford.
“Just my little joke. But I trust Porkie, sir, and frankly I don’t think we’ve got any choice.”
Mournful sounds issued from the face of Dr Trillby. They came through his mouth and they quite upset his colleagues.
“Come on, sir,” said Tripper. “Porkie’s planned it all out. One of us makes the trip and attempts to make a tiny alteration to the past and—”
“Hold on there,” said Dr Trillby. “It has just occurred to me that we keep talking about the past. What about the future?”
“Can’t be done, sir. Porkie says that the past is fixed and nothing exists beyond the present.”
“But Porkie has already managed to predict the future. The number nine iron up the … and suchlike.”
“Those are just projections, sir. Of what will happen given certain circumstances. The future is not fixed. Only the past.”
“It all smells,” said Dr Trillby. “But go on with what you were saying. Someone attempts to make a tiny alteration to the past.”
“Yes, sir, and then returns to the present and we’all check to see whether anything has changed.”
“And what if it has? What if there are disastrous consequences?”
“Then that same person returns to the past and undoes what he has done. Arrives back a minute earlier than the time before, waits for his original self to arrive and then tells him not to do the thing he was originally going tb do.”
Clovis rolled his rosy eyes. “Now what could possibly go wrong with a plan like that?” he asked.
“Nothing,” said Tripper. “Trust me.”
“Hold on again.” Dr Trillby raised his hands again. “What is all this, trust me? You are not under the mistaken apprehension that you will be making this trip, are you? If anyone is going to make this historic journey that someone will be me.”
“Your bravery is an example to us all, sir. That’s settled, then.”
“Hold on, hold on, hold on.” Dr Trillby flapped his hands about. “You’re not putting up much of a struggle.”
“Why should I, sir? Once you’ve proved it’s safe, which is to say once you’ve survived the journey with mind and body intact, I’ll have plenty of opportunities to take as many trips as I like.”
“Hm.” Dr Trillby made the face of thought. “Perhaps it would be better if you made the first journey,” he said. “After all, it is your project.”
“That’s settled, then.”
“Eh?” said Dr Trillby.
“Snookered,” said Clovis.
Blashford said, “Perhaps we should put it to a vote.”
Dr.Trillby shook his head. “Let’s just get on with it,” he said. “How do you propose to run this test, Tripper?”
“Very simply and very safely, sir.” Tripper rootled in his furry briefcase. “I have here today’s newspaper.”
“Anything new in it?” Blashford asked. “Any new news?”
“None whatsoever.” Tripper held the paper up for all to see. Its headline read, NO NEWS AGAIN: AND IT’S OFFICIAL.
“Are you thinking of changing that, then?” Dr Trillby asked.
“No.” Tripper returned the newspaper to his briefcase and placed his briefcase on the table. “My intention is to travel just two hours into the past and waylay the newspaper boy before he delivers the newspaper to my house. If I return from the past with the newspaper in my hand, then it will mean that the past can be changed and we shall have to abandon the whole thing.”
Dr Trillby nodded. “Seems safe enough,” he said.
“I see a flaw in this,” said Blashford.
“Shut up, lad. Go on, then, Tripper, explain the mechanics of the thing. Is there a time machine you travel in?”
“Time machine!” Clovis rolled his rosy red’ns again.
“It’s all done with this.” Tripper displayed the lifespan chronometer on his scrawny wrist. “Porkie will download the program into the chronometer. All I have to do is set the coordinates and the time and date and press ‘send’. Simple as making a telephone call.”
“What are these coordinates?” Dr Trillby asked.
“Of the place where I wish to materialize in the past. I can’t just materialize here, can I? Two hours ago the Earth hadn’t reached this spot in space. The coordinates have to be absolutely precise for the journey there and the journey back. Porkie has worked it all out. It’s all in the program.”
“Porkie thinks of everything,” said Blashford. “But—”
“No buts,” said Dr Trillby. “How do you download the program, Tripper?”
“Simple as can be. I just type into my chronometer the words DOWNLOAD TIME TRAVEL PROGRAM and wait thirty seconds.” He did so and they waited. “There,” said Tripper. “I’m on line. So now I type in time and date and projected location.” He did this also. “And I’m ready for the off.”
“Will you vanish in a puff of smoke?” Clovis asked.
“Don’t be sarcastic,” Dr Trillby told him. “This is a historic moment.”
“It won’t work,” said Clovis. “This is all a wind-up.”
“Ignore him, Tripper,” said Dr Trillby. “Go on, do your stuff”
“But, sir.” Blashford made pleadings. “Please listen, sir. There is a serious flaw.”
“Do it, Tripper,” said Dr Trillby.
And do it Tripper did.
Geraldo paused in his tale and rattled his empty pint glass on the table.