Let me introduce another virtue of prostate massage: it gives men a chance to experience the pleasure of playing a more passive role in sex. Men usually have the more active role for all sorts of reasons. They work hard physically during sexual intercourse, and their sexuality is totally visible since that erect penis is not exactly subtle. So it is a different experience for guys to just receive, to give up being in charge for a while, to explore the part of their sexuality that is hidden and vulnerable.
With prostatic massage the man also gets to learn about the pleasures of the anus, and there sure is a lot of potential for pleasure there. That can be a new and surprising experience for him.
Another advantage of male prostate pleasure is that no erection is needed. So it works well when there is not much erection happening for whatever reason. And, with the help of a toy (really a device), a man can do prostate massage for himself, by himself, an experience analogous to masturbation and its underrated pleasures.
Prostate Pleasure Primer
We are not going to talk about prostate health in this book. There are many resources for that available elsewhere. Our focus is purely on having fun with this mysterious organ.
First some basics. You pronounce the word “prostate” not “prostrate”. There is just one ‘r’. The first part is “pro”, as in “I’m pro-prostate”. The second part is “state” as in “state of arousal”.
So how are the prostate and the male G-spot different? They aren’t. The prostate is the anatomical name of the gland, and the male G-spot is a name for the functional area that produces the sensations. But I use them interchangeably.
Sometimes guys say, “My orgasms are just fine. I don’t want to take the chance of having them changed.” I want to reassure you that you’ll still have orgasms just like the ones you have now. We just want to add to what you already get, not take anything away.
When you learn about sexuality, you need to listen with your heart and guts as well as with your brain. As you do new things, keep checking in with yourself. See if the information makes sense, if it feels good in your heart, and see if your gut feeling is positive.
I will present information that comes from my brain. I’m also trying to put into words the emotions that come up during erotic and intimate exploration. But I am using words to explain things that are inherently non-verbal. So some of it may not make a lot of sense to you, or at least not right away. Take your time and see if your emotions and your gut feelings can comprehend what the brain might not quite understand.
In a similar vein, my teaching about the prostate involves not just the nuts and bolts, but how to explore on your own. How you and your partner can do something totally new together: something that may not be immediately comfortable, that may require talking to each other in a different way, and that may make one or both of you feel vulnerable.
I’m not just going to tell you about the prostate, but also about the process of sexual and emotional exploration with your partner. Take what you want and leave the rest, make it your experience. There is no right or wrong way to use this book. Use it in a way that works for both of you.
The term “sexy prostate” sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? The prostate is not sexy, never has been and never will be. That’s what we usually think, right? Well, you’ll soon be thinking differently. The G-spot can give the guy pleasure, and its exploration can give both of you a greater sense of intimacy.
People have all kinds of feelings about the prostate. Men are (cautiously) curious about it because they have one. And they don’t really know much more than the fact that it causes problems in middle age and brief embarrassment at their annual physicals. For women, the prostate is this mysterious thing that no one ever talks about.
I did a series of interviews with men about the subject. They saw the prostate as inscrutable and somewhat yucky when they were young, as in “Please, do we really need to talk about that?” And nothing but trouble when older. Clearly, we have a public relations problem here. My mission is to revitalize this poor maligned gland’s image.
Actually, the prostate doesn’t just sit there, it is active and, with sex, exciting. It does this cool thing, ballooning before ejaculation. It goes poof, rapidly growing bigger and firmer. Once in a class someone asked me, “Does it really make that poof noise?” My answer was, “It depends on how sensitive your ears are.”
In any case, the expansion is so dramatic that it does not really need sound effects. So for the gal, you get some fascinating information there. When the prostate puffs out, the guy feels, “I’m gonna come now.” If you, the woman, have your finger on his G-spot, you will notice that ‘poof’ and you’ll know what it means. And you’ll say to yourself, “Oh!” And a second later, you’ll hear him say, “Oh!” Isn’t it fun to have (literally) inside information like that about when he’s going to come?
Even when I was in medical school, even when I was formally studying sexuality, no one ever mentioned this thing about the prostate. Hard to believe, isn’t it? There you see: the prostate has way more going for it than we give it credit for.
Worried About Messy?
Lots of people worry about how to deal with the potentially messy part of butt play. But the reality is a lot tamer than one might imagine. It’s easy!
First, and foremost: the issue of safety and cleanliness. There are definitely microorganisms in the butt area, but they are not the sort of pathogens that scientists dress up in space suits to avoid. So it is nice to be clean, but there’s no need to be antiseptic. A quick clean up with a handy wipe all that is truly needed.
If you prefer, take a shower or a brief hot tub soak before. Maybe you’ll do that together, as part of your foreplay. I do not recommend a long leisurely shower, bath or jacuzzi before playing, however. It tends to make people sleepy and slow. So save it for afterwards.
Do use soap, but not a lot because that can irritate the sensitive skin down there. Also, limit the vigor of your scrub for the same reason.
If either or both of you prefer less hair on the butt◦— this is about personal taste, not hygiene◦— it is easy to shave there with a regular safety razor. Afterwards, use a cream like benzoyl peroxide (over the counter, at the drug store) to prevent itching.
Yes, folks are hesitant to approach the butt because they worry about the messy part. They feel, reasonably enough, that the butt is supposed to be a one-way road. And it is an exit to stuff that we’ve been taught from toddlerhood to consider disgusting. But concern about the yuck factor is by far the biggest. As a wiseass cracked at one of my workshops, “What’s everyone’s number 1 worry?◦— Number 2.”
And then, of course, everyone is concerned about the opposite issue◦— things going into their butt. Will it hurt? Will it make me gay? And what would mom think (shudder)?
Answering those question in no particular order… No, it will not hurt. It will not even be uncomfortable if you do it carefully, the way I describe in a later chapter. Actually it should feel good.
Will it make me gay? No, that is not how sexual orientation works. You’re just enjoying a pleasurable part of your body. What would mom think? Well, I don’t know. But even she was young once. Perhaps she’d say (or at least think) “Hey! Have some fun. I wish I’d tried that.”
So let’s put this in perspective. You’ve probably heard the line that no one on his death bed wishes that he or she had spent more time at the office. The fact is that people usually regret the things that they wanted to do but did not do, not the stuff they did do.