"Scared-there's that word again. Scared of what?"
"Scared that we're all passing our lives in this toilet. That it could go on like this forever until we die. I don't know, that was the flash that hit me. I was scared for you really more than for me or for anyone else I know. In a way I was scared for those guys in the audience. Those poor schmucks who pay their three dollars to sit and watch a lot of cunts and tits and cheap costumes with lousy music and a bad smell in the air."
"You know something Toni?"
"What?" Toni asked suddenly feeling exhausted, drained by her outburst, her blurted confession.
"That's what scares me too, only I don't get the words like you do. I can't spell it out. But I feel it and you're right-it shows. And in a way I don't give a shit."
"But you should!"
"Why should I? What good will it do? What's it going to change? Look at me. Do I look like I'm going to get any better?" she said it like someone who knows they have a terminal disease.
"Better? What are you talking about. You sound like you hate yourself more than those guys you insult every time you get out there. You're a beautiful person and the sooner you know that the better. You should be doing great things."
"Great things my ass."
"No I mean it. As twisted as you feel and as twisted as that act of yours is you're
great!"
"Great? Huh! I give great head if that's what you mean."
"That's not what I mean but I'm glad to hear it," Toni said and meant it, relieved at the self deprecating humor and for the break in the weight of the conversation. She smiled and leaned back and reached for the pack of Marlboros between them. Tina was reluctant to let go of her hand.
"Why don't you come live with me?"
The question kicked Toni like a mule and she knew Tina could see her blushing like a red light bulb short circuiting.
"Well I don't know, I mean it's a bit sudden… " she said inhaling and reclaiming her thoughts.
"I'd be good to you. I'd make you very happy. You've never had a lover like me. I'd make you forget every man you've ever been with."
"But we don't even know each other we,… "
"We'd get to know each other, dumbo. We are getting to know each other right now. Look we're having a drink together and we're talking about things that are important to us and you even said I was brilliant didn't you?"
"Yes, I… "
"So there, what's your excuse? You'd be living with a beautiful person who also happens to be a brilliant stripper and I already told you I give great head so cut the bullshit and come live with me."
"You're too much Tina. I don't think I'm ready to live with you or anyone else. That's really the gist of it. I like being alone and don't feel like being attached to one person. It gets complicated and I dig being a bachelor."
"Ahh, maybe you're right. I don't blame you. You'd be out of your mind to live with a crazy fucker like me. I'm very jealous you know."
"You are?"
"Oh very. You gotta watch out for me. Oh shit! There I go scaring you again. Fuck! No I wouldn't get jealous, just very protective that's all. I'm clean too. I smell like roses at both ends and even though I don't look it" she said letting go of Toni's hand
and gesturing with her fingers pointing at herself in a seizure of apology, her shoulders arching upwards and her mouth creasing into a smear, "I'm very neat and keep a good house."
"I'm sure you do baby," Toni said reaching for her arm and holding it tightly. "I'm sure you do and believe me it's not you, it's me. I like things the way they are right now."
"I'm sorry Toni," she said shaking her head, her eyes filling up with tears, "going on like this with all my shit-putting you on the spot like that."
"Shit don't be. I don't mind. I'm flattered really I am. How about another drink?"
"Sure."
Toni gestured for the waiter to bring another round. "Umm love that gin," Tina said lapping noisily at her glass, draining it in three gulps and lighting another cigarette.
"Say I think it's time you got back," Toni said glancing at her watch.
"We have time for another?" Tina asked rattling the ice in her glass like a tambourine.
"If it's a quickie."
Another round of gin and ginger ale came and went quickly.
Outside the two girls walked fast, weaving through the crowd towards Eight avenue.
"Say what's this guy like?" Tina wanted to know.
"Oh he's not bad. Got a big cock and a lot of money. From Texas. I turned a few tricks with a friend of his a while back. After I fucked this guy yesterday he told me he liked twosomes. It should be alright. You don't mind do you?"
"Nah, honey, I don't mind. I'm looking forward to it. Besides I could use the money. I wish we could get the scratch without him being there no matter how big his cock is but I guess you can't have everything."
"You can but not this time," Toni said stopping short and giving Tina a quick peck on the cheek.
"OK see you at three. You got the address now?" "Yea, I got the address. Three o'clock then."
Tina looked almost alive, almost happy when she walked into Edgar Lewis' hotel suite at fifteen minutes past three. "Thought you weren't going to make it," Toni said as Tina brushed past her trailing a dizzing cloud of perfume.
"Are you kidding," she said giving her a smile that touched her eyes as well as her mouth, "I wouldn't have missed it for the world."
"Tina, this is Edgar Lewis." Edgar moved from behind the bar and across the room in three long strides with his right hand extended.
"Pleased to make your acquaintance Tina," he said in his easy drawl, his eyes drinking Tina down, "what would you like to drink?"
Tina gave an almost formal curtsy and said, "Gin and tonic please," as the Texan eased her out of her imitation tiger skin coat.
She was wearing a clinging black pants suit that revealed her sculptured body for all it was worth. Toni noticed that her complexion was less drained than usual. Her hair seemed to have acquired new highlights and as she crossed the thick beige carpet towards the bar where Edgar Lewis was energetically searching for the bottle of Gin, Toni was filled with admiration at her built-in feline movements that promised of delights to come.
"I understand you're quite fond of twosomes," Tina said right off as Edgar handed her a Gin and tonic which caused him to stop short for a quarter of a second before he cracked a smile. Toni froze, startled at her candor, and then she too smiled and relaxed. She liked that about Tina; her ability to cut right through the bullshit, getting to the meat of the matter.
"Yes, I must admit to a liking for such, shall we say, 'social institutions'."
"Well that's good because so do I," Tina said resting her pale hand on Edgar's thigh smiling thickly at him and lighting a cigarette.
"What are you standing there like a statue for?" she said looking up at Toni, accurately describing her friends' position and posture in the room.
"Oh I was just on my way to another drink," Toni replied snapping out of her momentary fog.
"I understand that you're a dancer also Tina," Edgar offered.
"Stripper," she said with that haunting smile still on her face, "and according to Toni a brilliant one at that." She glanced backwards over her shoulder, her eyes darting back and forth trying to catch Toni's reaction.
"Yes Tina is a brilliant stripper," Toni said from behind her Scotch and soda, "and it's about time she got to know it too."
"Well I like being surrounded by brilliant people Tina," Edgar said as his hand slipped into hers. It was like latching onto an ice cube and his flesh contracted slightly at the touch. "Being rather dull myself," he added flashing an artificial smile, "You don't look dull to me," Tina said, her eyes dropping to his crotch.