“I love you,” he said, because that was a truth she could accept.
“Hold me, Jon,” she whispered. “I can’t bear to be alone anymore.”
“Daddy’s arranged for Alex to drive him to White Birch today,” Sarah told Jon as they walked to the bus. “They’re going to stop at the hospital first so Daddy can check up on Miranda. He’ll try to get Alex in to see her.”
“That’s nice of him,” Jon said.
“Daddy likes your family,” Sarah replied. “So do I.”
“Are you coming to the match on Saturday?” Jon asked. “See me slaughter those White Birch grubs?”
“You make it sound so appealing,” she replied. “But I’ll be at the clinic all day.”
“The clinic’s closed on Saturdays,” Jon said. “Besides, it’s July Fourth.”
“That’s why we’re staying open,” Sarah said. “Laborers will have the day off. It’ll give them a chance to come in. We’re staying open until the last one leaves, and then we’ll get a driver to take us home. What’ll you be doing after the match?”
“Staying in White Birch to celebrate,” Jon said. “We’ll get home somehow.”
“Will you burn any more schools down?” she asked.
Jon stood still. “You know about that?” he asked.
“It’s true?” Sarah asked. “I thought maybe Tyler made it up.”
“Tyler told you?” Jon asked. He grabbed Sarah by the shoulders. “When? What did he say?”
“Let me go,” Sarah said.
Jon released her. “I’m sorry,” he said. “But I need to know what happened.”
“It was after lunch yesterday,” Sarah said. “Tyler saw you eating with Luke and me. Then you left for practice. Tyler came up to me when I was waiting for the driver to take me to White Birch. Tyler said he had a problem, a moral issue, and he wanted to talk to me about it. I said that seemed weird since he hates me, and he said that was why he was asking me. He couldn’t count on his friends to give him an honest answer.”
“What was the problem?” Jon asked.
“He said he was with some of his friends that night, and they saw you with a bunch of other guys running into the high school,” Sarah replied. “The next thing they saw, the school was on fire and you were all running away. He’s been trying ever since to decide whether he should tell the authorities. His friends said no, but it’s been bothering him.”
“And you believed him?” Jon demanded.
“I didn’t know what to believe,” Sarah said. “I thought about asking Luke, but I couldn’t trust him to keep his mouth shut. Tyler said the guys you were with looked like grubs. But you don’t know any grubs, do you, Jon? Except for your family, I mean.”
“They weren’t grubs,” Jon said. If he told Sarah the truth, she’d confront Tyler or go to the authorities. Either way, his family would be the ones to suffer. “They were clavers, guys from college probably. We were drunk. We didn’t swap names and addresses.”
“Was it their idea?” Sarah asked.
Jon wanted to say yes, he hadn’t known what they were going to do until it was too late. But there were only so many lies he felt like telling. “One of them had matches,” he said instead. “We thought it was a great idea. I thought it was a great idea.”
“Why, Jon?” Sarah cried.
“I was angry at Mom,” he said. “For caring more about her students than she does about me. But Sarah, if Tyler goes to the authorities, they’ll blame her.”
“You’re the one they’ll blame,” Sarah said.
“Yeah, but I deserve it,” Jon said. “Mom didn’t do anything wrong, but they’ll throw her out of White Birch. They’ll punish Alex and Miranda, too. They’ll say I lied about being with clavers, that it was my family’s idea.”
“You saw them a few days before,” Sarah said.
Jon nodded.
Sarah took a deep breath. “I’ll tell Tyler you said you were too drunk to remember what happened. Jon, if you turn yourself in, will they do anything to your family?”
“I don’t know,” Jon said. “I don’t want to risk it. But if you want, I’ll leave Sexton. I’ll go to my brother’s after Miranda’s baby is born. But I won’t come back. I won’t be a claver.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” Sarah said. “But I don’t know that I’ve ever had you. How can I love you when I don’t think I like you?”
“You were lonely,” he said. “You’re making friends now. You’ll find someone else. I’ll be gone. You’ll be okay.”
“I don’t want to be okay without you,” she said. “Jon, hold me.”
Jon didn’t move. “Go,” he said. “Catch the bus. I’ll walk to school.”
“You’ll be late,” she said.
“Don’t worry about me,” he said. “Take care of yourself.”
Sarah paused for a moment, but then she began running from him.
He’d had her and he lost her. He could blame whoever he wanted, whatever he wanted—Tyler, his family, the moon itself—but none of that mattered.
He was alone. He would always be alone.
That was all he deserved.
Practices had been brutal all week. Coach drove them beyond their capabilities, calling them every name in the book when they came short of his expectations.
Each practice ended with chants, louder and more crazed, about what the Sexton players were going to do to the White Birch grubs. Nothing was too violent or obscene.
It was hard each day to go home and return to being Nice Jon, Friendly Jon, Big Brother Jon. He tried his best, but mostly he thought about everything he’d done, everything he’d lost.
Mom called that night. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard her sound so happy, so relieved.
“Alex gave me the complete report yesterday,” she said. “He says he’s never seen Miranda look so good. Miranda can’t get over how well they’re feeding her. Chicken and fish every single day. She walks around the ward for exercise, but mostly she lies in bed and gets pampered. The baby is thriving and everything’s going wonderfully. She’s really looking forward to working for Lisa. She says she hadn’t realized how much the greenhouse work was taking out of her until she fainted.”
Jon listened patiently, making the appropriate noises when Mom would expect to hear them.
“Jeffrey doesn’t think he can get Alex in to see Miranda next week, but he’ll try for the week after,” Mom continued. “And he’ll check in on Miranda after she’s had the baby, and he’ll get Alex in then, also. I wish Alex could see her daily, but it’s better than nothing. Jeffrey’s really being wonderful about it.”
“The soccer match is tomorrow,” Jon said. “Are you coming, Mom?”
“Oh, honey, I wish I could,” Mom replied. “I was given a ticket. But one of the boys in my class is on the team. I gave him my ticket so his father can see him play. Lisa will be there? And Gabe?”
“Yeah,” Jon said, knowing in Mom’s eyes they were all the family he needed.
“I’ll see you the next time,” Mom said. “After Miranda has the baby. We’ll all come, cheer you on.”
“Okay,” he said. “Take care, Mom.”
Jon heard her say, “I love you,” as he hung up the phone.
When he was a kid, his father used to go to his ball games. Jon loved to play, knowing his father was watching, cheering him on.
But after the divorce Dad lived too far away to get to the games. Jon used the anger he felt, and the disappointment, to make him play harder.