They both stared at me.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Perhaps,” I said, “I want for you what I can’t have for myself. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to do my Useful Work.”
School, Poetry, Co-op
2.1.01.05.002: All children are to attend school until the age of sixteen or until they have learned everything, whichever be the sooner.
The school was situated at the back of the village, two streets behind the town hall and opposite the firehouse. Due to the architectural infallibility of the Rules regarding school design, no better building could or would be thought of, so every school in the Collective was identical. I immediately knew my way around, and the place had an eerie familiarity about it.
I paused in the main hall next to the bronze bust of Munsell and read the school’s oft-quoted mission statement: “Every pupil in the Collective will leave school with above-average abilities.” It wasn’t until I had studied advanced sums that I realized this could not be possible, since by definition not everyone could be of above-average ability.
“It’s a historical average fixed soon after the Something That Happened,” my mentor, Greg Scarlet, had explained when I dared broach the subject. “How else would you be able to compare one year with another? Besides, an average pegged to a time when education was considerably worse than it is now ensures that no pupil is ever stigmatized by failure.”
This was true, and since one’s career path was never decided by ability or intellect, it didn’t much matter anyway. Lessons were generally restricted to reading, writing, French, music, geography, sums, cooking and Rule-followment, which meant sitting in a circle and agreeing on how important the Rules were. Most pupils referred to the subject as “nodding.”
I made my way to the head teacher’s office and tapped nervously on the door.
“Glad you could make it,” she said as soon as I had explained who I was and what I was doing there.
She introduced herself as Miss Enid Bluebird. She was a slight woman who was dressed in shabby tweeds and carried the benign expression of the inwardly harassed. This was not surprising, as her office was knee-high in stacks of dusty and much-faded examination papers.
“I’ve managed to bring the backlog down to a mere sixty-eight years,” she announced with some small sense of achievement. “I hope to be able to start marking the papers of pupils who are still alive by the end of the decade.”
“A very worthy aim,” I replied, thinking carefully about how I could apply queuing theory in this instance.
“Excuse the impertinence, but wouldn’t it be better to reverse the queuing order so that the oldest papers were last marked? It would allow pupils to know their results sooner, and as far as I can see, would not be against the Rules, since queue direction is not specified.”
She stared at me oddly, then smiled kindly after having given the matter no thought at all.
“A fine idea, but since everyone is above average, improvement to the system is really not that important.”
“Then why mark them?” I asked, emboldened by the rejection of my suggestion.
“So we can make sure the education system is working, of course,” she replied as though I were simple.
“If I work really hard I might be able to clear the backlog to the fifty-year mark by the time I retire—and we can know just how well we were doing half a century ago. If we commit ourselves wholly to the task, in twenty years we might know how well we are doing right now.”
“You must have very little time for teaching.”
“No time at all,” she replied airily, “which explains why Useful Workers like you are now essential to the smooth running of the school. Why, we’ve not had a teacher actually teaching for over three centuries.
She introduced me to the class, and I gave the afternoon lesson. Because Munsell had attempted to make the world knowable for everyone by simply reducing the number of facts, there wasn’t that much to teach. But I did my best, and after doing some long-division practice and talking a little about my home village, I set them a puzzle in which they had to estimate how many Previous there had once been by using Ovaltine sales projections of the year known as 2083. Following that, we discussed why the Previous might have been as tall as they were, which foodstuffs made it through the Epiphany, then possible reasons why the Previous had apparently denied the future by ranking their year system without a double-zero prefix. After that, we had a general Q&A session, where they asked me stuff about Riffraff eating babies, and why the Previous’ tables had four legs rather than the more stable three we used at present. I answered as best as I could, and after giving them a brief introduction to the skill of reading bar codes, we ended up talking about the rabbit. I was very glad that I had earlier found an article in Spectrum that described a visit to the rabbit six years ago. I sounded almost expert.
We finished up with a song of praise to Munsell as the clock moved around to four, and as soon as I dismissed them there was a flurry of banged desk lids and they were all gone.
I was rather pleased with myself, and after pushing in the chairs and placing their homework in the waste bin, I went to find Miss Bluebird, who asked me how it went without much interest, and then gave me positive feedback and ten merits.
“Find anything useful to teach them?”
Jane was waiting for me outside the school. She looked almost pleased to see me, and that instantly made me suspicious.
“I . . . like to think so,” I replied cautiously, looking around to see if there were witnesses in case she tried something.
She picked up on my nervousness and raised an eyebrow. “What are you so worried about?”
“The last time you smiled at me, I found myself under a yateveo.”
She laughed. The sound was lovely—yet quite out of character. It would be like hearing a fish sneeze.
“Honestly,” she said, “are you going to drag that up every time we meet? So I threatened to kill you.
What’s the big deal?”
“How can you not think it’s a big deal?”
“Okay, I’ll demonstrate. You threaten to kill me.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Come on, Red, don’t be such a baby.”
“All right: I’ll kill you.”
“You have to say it like you mean it.”
“I’LL KILL YOU!”
And she punched me in the eye.
“Ow! That hurt. And how could that possibly demonstrate that it’s no big deal?”
“You might have something there,” she said thoughtfully. “It could have been a bit rude of me. But let’s face it, you are a bit pointless, and the world will certainly carry on spinning without you.”
I rubbed my eye. “You really have a winning personality, don’t you?”
“Steady,” she said, again with a slight smile. “I’m supposed to be the sarcastic one.”
“What in Munsell’s name is going on?” Miss Bluebird had just walked out of the school. She was carrying a huge pile of papers, and had a look of shocked disbelief on her face. “Did I just witness a lethal threat and an up-color assault?”
It was time to think fast, and when it comes to making up lieful deceits on the spot, I soon realized that Jane was even better than Tommo. “Far from it,” she replied innocently. “Master Edward and I were discussing the best way to mock-fight in Red Side Story.”