And she looked at Croaker again, now harried by his enemies.
And the shadow crept into the killing perfection and showed her why she had denied herself for so long.
She thought of loss.
And loss mattered.
Mattering intruded upon the Self, distracting it. It wanted to take control of the flesh, to force things to transpire according to its desires.
She started forcing her way toward Croaker, the knot of men around her moving with her. But the enemy could sense that she was no longer the terrible thing she had been, that she was now vulnerable. They pressed in. One by one, her companions fell.
Then she saw the arrow strike Croaker and drop him at the foot of the standard. She shrieked and spurred her mount over friend and foe alike.
Her pain, and her rage, only carried her into a mass of enemies who attacked from every direction. She cut some, but others dragged her off her rearing steed and harried the beast away. She fought with skill and desperation against poorly trained opponents, but the ineptness of her enemies was not enough. She heaped bodies, but they drove her down to her knees...
A wave of chaos swept over that fight within the battle, men fleeing, men pursuing, and when it passed all that could be seen of her was one arm protruding from a pile of corpses.
Chapter Forty-two: THAT STUMP
Lying mostly on my back, clinging to the haft of the lance with my left hand, the standard flapping and the Shadowmaster flopping overhead. I don't think the arrow hit anything vital. But the sonofabitch went through my breastplate and me, too. I think there are a couple inches sticking out in back.
What the hell happened to the spells protecting me?
I never been hit this bad before.
Coupla crows up with the Shadowmaster. Amusing themselves, trying to get his eyes. Four or five prowling around down here, not bothering me. Act like they're standing guard.
Bunch showed up a while ago, when some enemy troops came after the standard. Piled all over them till they went away.
Ah, that damned arrow hurts! Can I get a hand around there and break the shaft? Pull the sucker back out after the head is gone?
Better not. The shaft might be keeping the bleeding from getting too bad inside. Seen that happen.
What's going on? Can't move enough to look around. Hurts too much. All I can see from here is the plain, covered with bodies. Elephants, horses, some men in white, a lot more not. I think we took a lot of them with us. I think if the formations had just held up we'd have kicked their asses.
Can't hear. Total silence. Me? What was that? Silence of stone? Where did I hear that?
Tired. So damned tired. Want to lay down and sleep. Can't. The arrow. Probably be too weak soon, though. Thirsty. But not thirsty like with a belly wound, thank the gods. Never wanted to die with a gut wound. Ha. Never wanted to die.
Keep thinking about sepsis. What if the bowman put garlic or feces on his arrowheads? Blood poisoning. Gangrene. Smell like you're six days dead when you're still breathing. Can't amputate my chest.
Shame and guilt. Brought the Company to this. Didn't want to be the last Captain. Guess none of them did. Shouldn't have fought today. Sure shouldn't have charged. Thought the illusions and elephants would be enough, though. Came close, too.
Know what I should have done, now. Stayed up in the hills where they couldn't see me and let them come to me. Could have sneaked around and used the old Company trickery on them there. Show the standard in one direction and attack from another. But I had to come down here after them.
Feel like a fool lying here in my underwear and a breastplate. Wonder if it did any damn good for Murgen to put that Widowmaker suit on and go try to turn the tide? Mogaba will have his cojones for abandoning the standard.
But I'm here. Still holding the sucker up.
Maybe somebody will come before I pass out. Getting so even somebody from the other side would look good. Damned arrow. Finish it off. Get it over.
Something moving... Just my damned horse. Having lunch. Turning grass into horse hockey. Just another day in the life for him. Go fetch me a bucket of beer, you bastard. You're supposed to be so damned intelligent, why can't you get a dying man a last beer?
How can the world be so damned quiet and bright and cheerful-looking when so many men just died here? Look at that mess. Right down there, fifty dead guys in a patch of wildflowers. Going to smell the stink for forty miles in a couple days.
How come this is taking so long? Am I going to be one of those guys who makes a career out of croaking?
Something out there. Something moving. Way out. Crows circling... My old friend the stump, crossing the plain of the dead on a holiday stroll. Stepping light, though. In a good mood. What was that before? Not yet time? Crows? This critter Death? I been looking my own death in the eye all the way down here?
Carrying something. Yeah, a box. About a foot by a foot by a foot. Remember noticing that before but not paying much attention. Never heard of Death carrying a box. Usually a sword or a scythe.
Whatever the hell it is, it's here to see me. Headed straight for me. Hang in there, Croaker. Maybe there's new hope for the dead.
Geek up on the lance getting all bent out of shape. I don't think he's happy about developments.
Getting closer now. Definitely no walking stump. A people, or something walking on two legs, very short. Funny. Always looked bigger from a distance. Close enough now we ought to be eyeball to eyeball, if I could see any eyes inside that hood. It's like there's nothing in there at all.
Kneeling. Empty hood, yes, inches away. Damned box right beside me.
Voice like a very slight breath of a breeze in spring willows, soft, gentle, and merry. "Now it's time, Croaker." Half a titter, half a chuckle. A glance up at the critter skewered on the lance. "And it's time for you too, you old bastard."
Completely different voice. Not just a different tone or a different inflexion, but an entirely different voice.
I guess all the other dead ones being alive set me up for it. I recognized her instantly. Almost as if something inside me had been expecting her. I gasped, "You! That can't be!" I tried to get up. "Soulcatcher!" I don't know what the hell I thought I was going to do. Run away? How? Where to?
The pain ripped through me. I sagged.
"Yes, my love. Me. You went away without finishing it." Laughter that was a young girl's giggle. "I have waited a long time, Croaker. But she finally exchanged the magic words with you. Now I avenge myself by taking from her what is more precious than life itself." Again the giggle, like she was talking about some simple practical joke with no malice in it.
I had no strength to argue.
She made a lifting gesture with one gloved hand. "Come along, my sweet."
I floated up off the ground. A crow landed on my chest and stared off in the direction I began to move, as though it were in charge of navigation.
There was a good side. The pain faded.
I did not see the lance and its burden move, but sensed that it too was in motion. My captor led the way, floating, too. We moved very fast.
We must have been a sight for anyone watching.
Darkness nibbled around the edge of consciousness. I fought it, fearing it was the final darkness. I lost.
Chapter Forty-three: OVERLOOK
Mad laughter rolled out of that high crystal room on top of that tower at Overlook. Somebody was tickled silly about the way things were going up north.
"That's three of them down, half a job done. And the hard half at that. Get the other three and it's all mine."