"I couldn't tell anyone," I said.
"I'm your best friend, Rose. We've been through everything together. Do you really think I would have told? I would have kept it secret."
I looked at the ground. "I know you would have. I just… I don't know. I couldn't talk about it. Not even to you. I can't explain it."
"How…" She groped for the question her mind had already formed. "How serious was it? Was it just you or—?"
"It was both of us," I told her. "He felt the same. But we knew we couldn't be together, not with our age…and, well, not when we were supposed to be protecting you."
Lissa frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Dimitri always said that if we were involved, we'd worry more about protecting each other than you. We couldn't do that."
Guilt coursed through her at the thought that she'd been responsible for keeping us apart.
"It's not your fault," I said quickly.
"Surely…there must have been a way. … It wouldn't have been a problem…."
I shrugged, unwilling to think about or mention our last kiss in the forest, back when Dimitri and I had thought we'd figured out a solution to all of our problems.
"I don't know," I said. "We just tried to stay apart. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't."
Her mind was a tumble of emotions. She felt sorry for me, but at the same time, she was mad. "You should have told me," she repeated. "I feel like you don't trust me."
"Of course I trust you."
"Is that why you're sneaking off?"
"That has nothing to do with trust," I admitted. "It's me…well, I didn't want to tell you. I couldn't bear to tell you I was leaving or explain why."
"I already know," she said. "I figured it out."
"How?" I asked. Lissa was full of surprises today.
"I was there. Last fall when we took that van into Missoula. The shopping trip? You and Dimitri were talking about Strigoi, about how becoming one makes you something twisted and evil…how it destroys the person you used to be and makes you do horrible things. And I heard …" She had trouble saying it. I had trouble hearing it, and my eyes grew wet. The memory was too harsh, thinking of sitting with him that day, back when we were first falling in love. Lissa swallowed and continued. "I heard you both say you'd rather die than become a monster like that."
Silence fell between us. The wind picked up and blew our hair around, dark and light.
"I have to do this, Liss. I have to do it for him."
"No," she said firmly. "You don't have to. You didn't promise him anything."
"Not in words, no. But you … you don't understand."
"I understand that you're trying to cope and that this is as good a way as any. You need to find another way to let him go."
I shook my head. "I have to do this."
"Even if it means leaving me?"
The way she said it, the way she looked at me … oh God. A flood of memories flitted through my mind. We'd been together since childhood. Inseparable. Bound. And yet…Dimitri and I had been connected too. Damn it. I'd never wanted to have to choose between them.
"I have to do this," I said yet again. "I'm sorry."
"You're supposed to be my guardian and go with me to college," she argued. "You're shadow-kissed. We're supposed to be together. If you leave me …"
The ugly coil of darkness was starting to raise its head in my chest. My voice was tight when I spoke. "If I leave you, they'll get you another guardian. Two of them. You're the last Dragomir. They'll keep you safe."
"But they won't be you, Rose," she said. Those luminous green eyes held mine, and the anger in me cooled. She was so beautiful, so sweet… and she seemed so reasonable. She was right. I owed it to her. I needed to—
"Stop it!" I yelled, turning away. She'd been using her magic. "Do not use compulsion on me. You're my friend. Friends don't use their powers on each other."
"Friends don't abandon each other," she snapped back. "If you were my friend, you wouldn't do it."
I spun back toward her, careful not to look too closely into her eyes, in case she tried compulsion on me again. The rage in me exploded.
"It's not about you, okay? This time, it's about me. Not you. All my life, Lissa … all my life, it's been the same. They come first. I've lived my life for you. I've trained to be your shadow, but you know what? I want to come first. I need to take care of myself for once. I'm tired of looking out for everyone else and having to put aside what I want. Dimitri and I did that, and look what happened. He's gone. I will never hold him again. Now I owe it to him to do this. I'm sorry if it hurts you, but it's my choice!"
I'd shouted the words, not even pausing for a breath, and I hoped my voice hadn't carried to the guardians on duty at the gate. Lissa was staring at me, shocked and hurt. Tears ran down her cheeks, and part of me shriveled up at hurting the person I'd sworn to protect.
"You love him more than me," she said in a small voice, sounding very young.
"He needs me right now."
"I need you. He's gone, Rose."
"No," I said. "But he will be soon." I reached up my sleeve and took off the chotki she'd given me for Christmas. I held it out to her. She hesitated and then took it.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"I can't wear it. It's for a Dragomir guardian. I'll take it again when I …" I had almost said if, not when. I think she knew that. "When I get back."
Her hands closed around the beads. "Please, Rose. Please don't leave me."
"I'm sorry," I said. There were no other words to offer up. "I'm sorry."
I left her there crying as I walked toward the gate. A piece of my soul had died when Dimitri had fallen. Turning my back on her now, I felt another piece die as well. Soon there wouldn't be anything left inside of me.
The guardians at the gate were as shocked as the secretary and Kirova had been, but there was nothing they could do. Happy birthday to me, I thought bitterly. Eighteen at last. It was nothing like I had expected.
They opened the gates and I stepped through, outside of the school's grounds and over the wards. The lines were invisible, but I felt strangely vulnerable and exposed, as if I'd leapt a great chasm. And yet, at the same time, I felt free and in control. I started walking down the narrow road. The sun was nearly gone; I'd have to rely on moonlight soon.
When I was out of earshot of the guardians, I stopped and spoke. "Mason."
I had to wait a long time. When he appeared, I could barely see him at all. He was almost completely transparent.
"It's time, isn't it? You're going…you're finally moving on to…"
Well, I had no clue where he was moving on to. I didn't know anymore what lay beyond, whether it was the realms Father Andrew believed in or some entirely different world that I'd visited. Nonetheless, Mason understood and nodded.
"It's been more than forty days," I mused. "So I guess you're overdue. I'm glad … I mean, I hope you find peace. Although I kind of hoped you'd be able to lead me to him."
Mason shook his head, and he didn't need to say a word for me to understand what he wanted to tell me. You're on your own now, Rose.
"It's okay. You deserve your rest. Besides, I think I know where to start looking." I'd thought about this constantly over the last week. If Dimitri was where I believed he was, I had a lot of work ahead of me. Mason's help would have been nice, but I didn't want to keep bothering him. It seemed like he had enough to deal with.
"Goodbye," I told him. "Thanks for your help I … I'll miss you."
His form grew fainter and fainter, and just before it went altogether, I saw the hint of a smile, that laughing and mischievous smile I'd loved so much. For the first time since his death, thinking about Mason no longer devastated me. I was sad and I really would miss him, but I knew he'd moved on to something good— something really good. I no longer felt guilty.