"What are you trying to say?"
The monkey giggled cheerfully. "No worries about being betrayed by your parents, right? Are you sure? But aren't you really nothing more than a pet?"
"Your point is?"
"That you, pet, are no different than a dog or cat. All goes swimmingly as long as you are gentle and affectionate. But bite the master's hand or chew up the furniture, then what? They won't beat you because they have reputations to protect. And yet, were society to look the other way, there'd be no end to the number of parents who'd like to strangle the little tykes."
"That's ridiculous."
"Is it? Perhaps it is." The monkey looked teasingly at her, playful eyes wide. "Parents do think so well of themselves for doting on their children. No, by gosh, I've got that wrong. It's how well they play the part of the loving parent, that's what they love about themselves the most."
The monkey's spirited screeches hurt her ears.
"You … . "
"True of you, too, eh?"
Youko stopped with her hand on the hilt of the sword.
"Playing the good child was fun, no? Because then you could take everything your parents said as right, right? Yet you still had that feeling you'd be punished if you disobeyed, which makes you no better than the dog who curries his master's favor, no?"
Youko bit her lip. She never worried about getting physically punished. But getting yelled at, or coming home to that heavy, brooding atmosphere, or not being allowed to buy something she wanted, or the imposition of other penalties--those were the things that weighed her down, that without her really knowing it made her continuously attentive to her parents' moods.
"It's not true that you were the good child. Not a good child at all. You were scared of rejection so you made yourself a convenient child for your parents to have around."
"And your good parents--well, that is a lie as well. Not good parents at all, always looking over their shoulders, afraid of what people might be saying behind their backs. You think that liars who flock together never betray each other? Oh, you will betray your parents. And your parents will certainly betray you. It is the way of all flesh. We tell each other our lies and the betrayed betrays the betrayer."
"You son of a bitch."
The monkey shrieked hilariously. "Oh, what a fine tongue you have on you. Yes, yes, I am a son of a bitch, but an honest son of a bitch. I never lie. I alone will never betray you. It is most unfortunate that I must be the one to teach you this lesson."
"Shut the hell up!"
"No, no, you can't go home. You'd be better off dead. But if you haven't the courage to die, you had better find yourself a better way to live."
The monkey eyed Youko's raised sword. "Another truth I shall tell you. You have no allies. Nothing but enemies. Even Keiki is your enemy. Your stomach is empty? You wish a better life for yourself? He won't help you. Instead, why not use that thing to shake a few people down?"
"Be quiet!"
"Hither and thither, everywhere you look, nothing but dirty little moneygrubbers. Extort yourself a little cash. That is the way to a better life."
Youko swung the sword in the direction of the ear-piercing screeches, but there was nothing there. Only the loud laughter fading away into the dark night.
She tore at the ground, her hands bent into crooked tongs. She felt tears spilling down between her fingers.
4-7
Youko wandered the backroads. She lost track of how many days had passed since leaving Takkyuu, or for that matter, how long it had been since she left home. She had no idea where she was or where she was going and by this point she didn't much care.
When the night came she drew the sword and stood her ground. When the enemy came they fought. When the morning came she found a place to make her bed and slept. And so her life went on.
Gripping the jewel and using the sword as a cane became natural to her. If there were no enemies about, she sat down. When they attacked at longer intervals, she dragged herself along. If there were no people around, instead of talking she moaned and groaned constantly.
Her hunger became attached to her thoughts. It became part of her consciousness. When starvation threatened, she flayed the dead body of a youma. It had a strange smell and she could not even hold the meat in her mouth. Occasionally she brought down a wild animal. She tried to eat it but her body could no longer handle solid food.
She struggled through countless nights to meet the dawn.
Leaving the road to forge deeper into the mountains, she tripped over a tree root and tumbled down a long slope. Casting care aside, she slept where she fell. She did not even bother to scout out her surroundings first.
She slept without dreams. When she awoke, she found she could not stand, no matter how hard she tried. She was in a shaded hollow within a sparse copse of trees. The sun was already setting and night was falling. If she stayed here like this, if she could not get up and move, she would become a youma's next meal. Even against impossible odds, Jouyuu could hold off one or two attacks. Beyond that, her body would become a useless tool.
Youko dug her fingers into the earth. No matter what, she had to get back to the road.
If she couldn't get back to the road and find somebody to help her, she would die here. She raised her head and searched for the jewel. But even gripping the jewel with all her might, she could not drive the sword into the ground to leverage herself up.
"No one's coming to help," an unexpected voice said.
Youko turned her head. This was the first time she had heard him during the daytime.
"You might as well make yourself comfortable right here, no?"
All Youko could focus on was the monkey's fur, shimmering like blown powder. All she could think was, why was he showing up now?
"Even if you do manage to crawl back to the road, you'll probably only end up getting arrested. Though if you asked for help, they might give it. They might be the type who would put you out of your misery, just like that."
That was undoubtedly what would happen, she thought as well.
She wouldn't ask anybody for help. Now when her need was the most pressing was when she should expect help the least. Even if she got back to the road, there would be no help forthcoming. If somebody were to pass along the way, they would look the other way. This filthy vagrant would provoke nothing more than a grimace.
On the other hand, maybe she'd only get mugged. But a thief would figure out pretty quick she didn't have anything worth stealing and take the sword. Perhaps he would be kind enough to finish her off there and then. That was the kind of a place this world was.
Then all at once a new thought occurred to her. The monkey fed off her hopelessness and despair. Like some kind of emotional vampire, he exposed all the anxieties and insecurities hidden in her heart and used them to crush her spirits.
Youko giggled. It felt good unraveling this small puzzle. She rolled over, gathered strength into arms and pushed herself into a sitting position.
"Now, wouldn't it be easier if you threw in the towel?"
"Oh, shut up."
"Why not take it easy?"
"Shut it."
Youko drove the sword into the ground. Her strained knee almost gave out. She screamed, grabbed hold of the hilt of the sword, caught herself. She almost stood but lost her balance. Her body was too heavy to move like this. It'd be better to crawl along the ground, like an animal newly born.
"You want to live that badly, do you? And what will living get you?"
"Home."
"Oh, why torment yourself so? No matter how much you hold on to life now, you can't go back."
"I'm going home."