There was no movement from Sister Monica Joan. The usher moved towards her, banged the floor with his staff and shouted louder.
Sister Monica Joan gave a surprised little squeak. “Are you addressing me, young man?”
“I am.”
“Then let it be known that I will not be addressed in this rude fashion.”
“Be upstanding for His Lordship,” shouted the usher.
“Did your mother never teach you to say, ‘please’, young man?”
The usher swallowed hard and banged his staff down on the floor a second time. Sister Monica Joan sat immobile, her beautiful eyes half-closed, her lips pursed in disdain.
“Please stand up, madam.” whispered the usher.
“That’s better. That is much better. Courtesy is a virtue and costs nothing. I am sure your mother would be proud of you.” Sister Monica Joan leaned forward, patted him kindly on the shoulder and rose to her feet.
Cheers from the public gallery.
“Be silent for His Lordship,” screamed the usher, striving to restore his authority.
The judge entered, mumbled, “Please be seated,” and everyone sat down, including Sister Monica Joan.
Counsel for the Prosecution addressed the jury. He outlined the facts as they were known and said that he would call as witnesses three jewellers from Hatton Garden who had lost jewellery, and eight costers who had lost sundry items from their stalls. He would also call a psychiatrist, who had examined the accused and considered her to be of sound mind and therefore responsible for her actions.
The three jewellers were all reliable witnesses. The first, a Mr Samuelson, stated that he had inherited the business with its stock from his father. A rope of antique pearls and a diamond ring had disappeared from the stock four years previously. The police had been informed. The stolen jewels had never been recovered until the police had contacted him recently saying that a cache of jewellery had been found, and asking him to examine the jewels. With the help of his record books, Mr Samuelson had been able to identify the pearls and the diamond ring.
The second jeweller stated that Sister Monica Joan had entered his shop three years previously and asked to see a tray of small items of little value, such as charms and trinkets. He had been called away to attend to another customer and left her alone with the tray, confident that, as the lady was a nun, it would be safe to do so. However, an assistant had seen the nun take a small item from the tray and slip it into her pocket. He had warned his employer, and together they had escorted Sister Monica Joan into a back room and challenged her. She had produced a small trinket, valued about two shillings, from the folds of her dress. The jeweller said that he had taken the item back and told Sister that he would not call the police on this occasion, but that she would not be admitted to his shop again.
The assistant was called to the witness box. He verified everything his employer had said and identified Sister Monica Joan as the nun referred to. He said that he had not seen her in the shop since that day but had noticed her wandering around other shops in Hatton Garden. He concluded that she must have remembered that she was barred from entering his employer’s premises and therefore he rejected any suggestion that she was suffering from memory loss or senile dementia.
Sister Monica Joan continued to knit and displayed no interest in what was being said about her. Sister Julienne, on the other hand, seemed to be on the verge of tears.
The costers were called to give evidence. They were a colourful group of seven men and one woman. The first stepped confidently into the witness box to be sworn in, giving his name as Cakey Crumb.
“Could you give your first name please?”
“Well, I’ve allus bin known as Cakey. Wiv a name like Crumb, wha’ would you expec’?”
“With what name were you christened?”
“Cuthbert.”
Shrieks of laughter from the costers, which were silenced by the judge.
Counsel for the Prosecution continued: “Could you please describe your occupation?”
Cakey stuck his thumbs into the armholes of his colourful waistcoat and drummed his fingers on his chest. “I’m a business man. Managin’ director of me own company. Bin a’ i’ since I was four’een, wiv a break for the war, when I was in the merchan’ navy; ’orrible, va’ was, real ’orrible. Never did like wa’er, I never. We was torpedoed an’ ’undreds of men was frown in ve wa’er. ’Alf of ’em drowned. ’Orrible i’ was to ’ear ’em cry for ’elp, poor sods. An’ then another time we was . . . ”
“Yes, Mr Crumb. I am sure the court would like to hear your reminiscences, but we must confine ourselves to the case against Sister Monica Joan. You are a business man, you say?”
“Yerst. Costermonger. I ’as me own cock sparrer, an’ sells in ve park its.”
The judge interrupted. “Did you say you sell cock sparrows in the park its?”
“No, no, m’lud. Cock sparrer is wha’ we calls ve barrer an’ park it is ve market.”
“I see.” The judge made a note. “Please go on.”
“I sells ladies fings, and vis nun, she comes up to me stall an’ afore you can blink an eye, she picks up a couple of bread an’ cheeses, tucks ’em in ’er petticoats, an’ is off round the Jack Horner, dahn ve frog an’ toad, quick as shit off a stick. I couldn’t Adam an’ Eve it, bu’ vats wot she done. When I tells me carvin’ knife wot I seen, she calls me an ’oly friar, an’ says she’ll land me one on me north and south if I calls Sister Monica Joan a tea-leaf. Very fond of Sister, she is. So I never says nuffink to no one, like.”
The judge had laid down his pen long before Cakey had finished giving his evidence. “I think I am going to need an interpreter,” he said.
The usher spoke. “I think I can help you, My Lord. My mother was a cockney and I was brought up with the rhyming slang. Mr Crumb has testified that he saw Sister Monica Joan take a couple of handkerchiefs – bread and cheese is the usual expression for handkerchiefs – off his sparrow, or barrow, and set off round the Jack Horner – corner, My Lord – down the frog and toad – meaning road – as quick as – I need not go on, my Lord, a harmless vulgarity implying no disrespect to Your Lordship – quick, stick – the rhyme is obvious my Lord.”
“‘I am beginning to understand. Ingenious, very. But what was all that about Adam and Eve? We are not talking about the Garden of Eden, you know.”
“‘To Adam and Eve it’ is a very common expression my Lord. It means ‘to believe it’, or the negative. Mr Crumb could not Adam and Eve the evidence of his own eyes.”
“You are very knowledgeable, usher, and I am indebted to you. But that was not all the evidence Mr Crumb gave the court, and it has to be written down for the record.”
The usher was standing up stiff and straight and feeling very important. All eyes were upon him. “Mr Crumb said that he told his wife what had happened. There are several expressions for wife – carving knife, trouble and strife, Duchess of Fife spring readily to mind – and she called him a liar – holy friar, My Lord, and said she would hit him in the north and south – mouth – if he called Sister Monica Joan a thief – tea-leaf was the rhyming slang used by Mr Crumb.”
“I understand now. Thank you, usher.” The judge turned towards Cakey. “Would you say that that interpretation is substantially correct, Mr Crumb?”
“Oh yerst, yers. That’s Isle of White.”
“I suppose I am correct in understanding that it is . . . right?”
The judge looked pleased with himself and smiled at Cakey. He motioned for the Counsel for the Prosecution to continue.
“When did this all occur?”