‘I can’t come then.’
‘When can you?’
‘I can’t come over at all. You’ll have to talk to your care centre.’
Never in her life would she go there again. Never. She had no obligations. Not to that woman. She had already done more than anyone could reasonably ask. She was just about to hang up when the voice continued.
‘You know, when someone finds out that she’s going to die she’s not as afraid to go out any longer. And if she’s been sitting in a flat for more than thirty years, she has a lot of catching up to do. Like spending time with her neighbours, for example.’
The fear was unable to penetrate the fog of the drugs. It stayed on the outside, pounded angrily a few times, and then gave up and stood watch. To wait her out. It knew that sooner or later a gap would open up and then it would be ready to overpower her. In the meantime it made her realise that she had no choice. She had to go there. Had to go there and find out what that disgusting woman wanted from her.
She closed her eyes. So tired, down to her very core. Everything she had was used up.
‘Hello? Are you still there?’
The woman most certainly was.
‘Yes.’
‘Then let’s say nine o’clock.’
32
Maj-Britt sat as if paralysed in her chair, unable to breathe. Her thoughts darted like frightened animals trying to escape. For hours she had prayed, beseeching Him for a sign that would show her what she had to do. Time after time she had let her finger race through the pages of the Bible without finding any intelligible answer. In desperation she had asked for clearer instructions and then, finally, the fourteenth time she tried He had spoken to her again. Paul’s first letter to Timothy. Her finger had not landed precisely there, but on the next page, but she knew it was because she had been too excited and her finger had missed the right verse. It was 1 Timothy 4:16 He wanted to show her, she knew it.
Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you.
Thankful for His answer, she closed her eyes. She remembered the verse from the Congregation. An admonition to go out and save your fellow man and thereby rescue them from eternal fire. A good deed. He wanted her to save someone else and thus also save herself. But who was it she was supposed to save? Who? Who was it who needed her help?
She got up and went over to the balcony door. On the wall across the way the windows reflected black. Only a single lamp was attempting to defy the dark of night. She wanted to open the door and take a quick breath of the outside air. The desire was new and unfamiliar. She placed her hand on the door handle, saw the black windows staring at her like evil eyes and gave up. She left the door and went back to her easy chair.
The Bible felt heavy in her hand. Once again she let her thumb choose a page. He mustn’t let her down now, now that she had understood what she had to do but not how to proceed. She was asking for a lot, she knew that. He had already shown His great benevolence through the answers He had given her.
‘Only one more answer, Lord, then I shall never again ask You for anything. Just show me who it is You want me to save.’
She closed her eyes. For the last time she let her thumb glide along the closed pages of the Bible. If He did not answer now, then she wouldn’t try again. She turned to the page. With her eyes closed she let her index finger fall and then sat still, gathering her courage.
The fifty-second Psalm. He had not let her down.
In a sudden calm, everything fell into place.
There was only one Monika Lundvall in the telephone book.
Maj-Britt hung up the phone. With a strong grip on the Holy Scriptures she took a few deep breaths. She had done it, done as He instructed, and that should have made her feel reassured. And yet her heart was beating hard. Her finger was still wedged in between the covers, and she turned to the page to convince herself once more that she really had the right to do what she planned to do. Despite her promise she had asked Him another question. And He had given His consent. The page she turned to had the word ‘Yes’ five times and ‘No’ only twice.
Saba was sleeping soundly in her basket and Maj-Britt tried to take some comfort in the peaceful sound of the dog’s breathing. So many nights it had helped her to calm down. The knowledge that someone was there in the dark. Someone who needed her. Someone who would be there when she woke up and be glad to see her. Now the comforting breathing gave her a guilty conscience. Saba would be left behind to meet the same uncertain fate as she would. The only difference was that Saba didn’t have the awareness to be afraid.
There were five hours left until it would be nine o’clock. To try and sleep would be wasting time needlessly, and she could no longer afford to do that. She had been given a task that she had to carry out, and God had shown her the way. She knew that Monika would show up. That she wouldn’t dare do anything else. Once again Maj-Britt felt her heart palpitating wildly as she thought about what she was about to do.
A good deed.
She mustn’t forget that. That it was A Good Deed and nothing more. The threatening tone she had been forced to use to make Monika obey served a higher good! The Lord Himself had shown His approval. It was the two of them now, she and the Lord together. Using fear to prevail was a mighty instrument, but she was grateful at having to subjugate herself. All power was His, and for her all that remained was to prove herself worthy, show that she finally deserved to be chosen. Then perhaps He in His great wisdom would be merciful enough to forgive her.
For thirty years she had imagined death as a last avenue of escape. It had given her strength to know that she could always slip away if she couldn’t endure anymore. Having power over this option, she had sometimes toyed with the idea. But that was before, when death had been far out of sight and the choice was still hers. Before her body had secretly invited death in and granted it safe passage, slowly and inexorably to crush her advantage and finally rob her of all choice. Now that death was grinning in her face, it held nothing but burning horror.
Now the end has come upon you, and I will send My wrath against you; I will judge you according to your ways. Then you shall know that I am the LORD!
33
Maj-Britt Pettersson.
The mere name on the letter-box made her feel sick. But she was still safely sheltered, out of reach. She knew that the terror lay in wait out there, but it could not get to her. The tiny white pills had blocked all passages.
She put her finger on the doorbell and pressed it. She had parked the car on the other side of the building so Pernilla wouldn’t see it, and like the last time she was here she had gone in through the cellar entrance at the end of the building.
She heard someone inside and then the lock clicked open. She shuddered as she stepped across the threshold; she never would have thought she could be persuaded to return.
She kept her coat on but took off her boots. The fat dog came up and sniffed at her, but when she took no notice it turned and left. She cast a glance into the empty kitchen as she passed, wondering whether Ellinor was there too, but she didn’t seem to be. She continued towards the living room. For an instant she wasn’t sure whether she was approaching the living-room doorway or it was approaching her.
The monstrosity was sitting in the easy chair and motioned towards the sofa with one hand. A sweeping gesture that perhaps was meant to be welcoming.
‘It was nice of you to come. Please have a seat.’
Monika didn’t intend to stay long and remained standing in the doorway. Just get this over with so that she could leave.