. . twenty. Because his present awareness is indeed proving remorselessly effective when it comes to eating up the past. Some people — Zack supposes, as they hunch up and walk through the drear back to the car — do indeed lead seamlessly integrated lives, rather than experiencing a series of discrete and eminently forgettable episodes. . but they’re wrong to. For a generation now — almost the entirety of his life — the photo cubes have been piling up on the sideboards and the slides have been remorselessly slotted into the carousel. He improvises a commentary for these images as they go round annaround. . one that will make the show as dull as all the rest: This is me lying down in the New Mexican desert — you can’t see the flash, only how surprised I am . . And this is me with the rest of the crew — don’t we seem jolly? And this is Hiroshima, where we went for our holidays . . The light of ten thousand suns had fixed an image of unspeakable negativity on the collective consciousness forever. . and so we never speak of it, we carry on regardless. We get out our keys . . We open the car door . . We get in . . We lean across and open the passenger door . . Our son gets in and we say: Did you enjoy the film? stupid thing to say but sorta thing he always did say, ’cause for an intelligent man he could be. . very stupid. . stupid cupid lay off my. . arseholes are cheap today and that. . an’ that. . men walking in a ring — round the ring, flowed up and down king william street inna ring. . up and down the graben too. . frau komm mit they said — he said, i said i don’t speak the lingo, mate. . lies, all porkies. . he said. . he quoted. . he said, hum-hum sometimes. . sometimes i feel bad about what we do. . what we do? we do nothing — nothing, doing is babies done doing dead diphtheria did for ’em. . chuck ’em in poplar baths. . chuck ’em in barking reach — reach in there, pull out a dead baby or three. . doings done doings dead princess alice and done dead never known it, nan said. . never seed it like that babies floating in on the bloody tide. . floating in the family way. . two way. . family favourites. . hundreds of the poor little fuckers. . people up stepney way used it as an excuse to get rid of their babies inall. . went down in the dark, dropped ’em off. . black water rising. . coming in my windscale and door. . blocks of coconut ice floating in it. . toffees. . what’s a girl t’do t’get ’erself a drink here? drinky-pooh. . drinky-pooh. . ooh, i’m parched — mine’s a baby guinness. . come round don’t come round come round don’t come round don’t come round don’t buy their bloody round or buy the round and don’t buy me one. . given up on mumsie, they have. . no sweet tea. . no-kay tokay. . no frat. . no frat with kraut prats. . come for a swim in barking reach. . come down the donau. . he said she said the film was good — little wifey that is. . what we do? we do nothing — cocks in cunts it’s nothing. . try pushing one out — try pushing three out. . inna ring king william street. . what i want, young lady, is absolute attention to detail. . patronising bastard. . into central hall. . putting on the agony. . putting on the style. . putting on the banana boat floating all the while he says this and that boodlie-boo. . boodlie-bar. . i’m parched — what’s a girl to do to get a drink round ’ere? not in their round not on his round. . come up on his round. . all right missus. . come on his round. . thought i was a slag — he was the fucking slag. . all of ’em fucking slags — stick their slag in anything. . stick it in central hall. . so gentle — gentle he was. . never gone out for four years then suddenly schippen in london. . frau komm mit. . no — no frat, you prat. . mitkomm frau. . well spoken up on his hind-legs. . impressively passionate. . knew his way round there — and there — stayed down there forever-and-a-day. . boodlie-bar. . boodlieboo. . putting on the agony. . putting on the style. . girl don’t forget that — girl don’t forget the tallyman. . smelt of gefilte fish. . schmaltz. . girl don’t forget when it’s her round, so why d’you leave it out. . girl pays ’er own way, buys her round, ha! fließen die tränen, mir ewig erneut. .’less you buy me a baby guinness. . easily done, no, really — easily done. . if you wanna go where cock ’n’ cunt fitz — puttin’ on the ritz. . in funds then, later. . didn’t seem himself later. . central hall, king-hall, fat old priestley and fraud. . name’s fraud, come in, fraud, put up yer feet, fraud. . take a load off, fraud, grab my tits — bite my tits, fraud. . stick it in, fraud, c’mon, fraud, tell us about the sharks, fraud. . pity. . pity poor me. . gissa orange, fraud. . gissa lemon, fraud. . fucking clement. . fraud. . down the donau. . down barking reach. . up king william street. . not so strict about frat and bennies in tubes like gum up all night in the donau. . so hot. . saw it then schippen. . stupid horse. . lay down and died it did on this stuff on the donau laid down dead on a heap of stuff inna barge — i dunno umbrellas and what have you. . hell of a coincidence. . him here, me there, with the occupation. . softly speaking boy. . jew. . s’pose. . done for them. . done for them proper never talk again fine figure of a man. . never. . never forget the smell of patronising gefilte fish. . never have to. . one thing. . one thing maria never have to. . come in tokay, okay never have to. . paid my way. . five go mad. . five kill their selves. . five farthings. . five of this. . five of that. . never forget the tallyman — smelt of gefilte fish. . never forget hard cheese. . sweet tea. . fags. . what’s a girl to do to get a drink round here? easily done. . easily done. . nicely-nicely. . sky masterson. . so bright. . what did you think of the film? quotes it bloody ver-ba-tim. . drinky-poohs. . drinky-poohs. . too late too busy too busy too late same thing day after day one in ten go mad, fließen die tränen, mir ewig erneut. . no one should ’ave to bury their child at the sea with the black water rising oed’ und leer das meer. . no one should know that they don’t know but we don’t know, do we? why would I tell you. . tell you what tell you nothing too busy same thing day after day one in. . one in. . mad. . putting on the agony — in the fucking agony. . i’m parched. . lift it up good scotch and tokay and bennies up your blood up. . frau mitkomm fuck you fuck you fuck curi— curi—. . I dunno flowed up and down king william street in and out of each other’s house inna ring. . in the ring. . big house in the ring. . in the graben. . fancy clock all done in. . broken glass little prick meant to come out and hit a bell. . cut his cock off and his balls beaten him one eye out. . strung ’im up on a lamp-post an’ set fire to ’im. . smell of burning flesh. . never forgot it. . never forget it. . forgotten me. . saint martin’s took a pasting inall. . get your bloody round in. . that place bratislava now. . maybe i don’t know — change my name — your name. . all down not to symp’. . fucking czech partisans. . no checkmates. . no, not me. . he said traumatic i said you’re making a meal of it, boy, few hours out swimming with the fishies. . you should know. . seen that, seen that three fags for an iron bloody cross and bodies every which way strung up on lamp-posts cocks and balls cut off set on fire stick that in your pipe and smoke it human flesh you never forget the smell of it come up on me go down they didn’t say that then said that later go down but don’t bite seen in him liverpool street up and down king william street inna ring they were putting it on the agony been inside four years keeping shtum keeping away from the nazis come out on train on the train you never forget the smell it’s the smell of duff el coats wet duffel coats all mimsy girls and him up there on the stage talking this boodlie-ba, boodlie-boo, boodlie-test, boodlie-megatons, boodlie-annihilation and bertie russell up there with ’im. . skull-face click-clacking. . like ’e knew ’im. . a mother should never have to do that drop a baby off barking reach see him float down there in the oil and all that shit down there what they got down there all that shit. . loved them. . loved them. . no love like it. . swear. . they know nothing ickle-wickle know nothing. . need a firm hand no disputing that need a firm hand strict procedures but love also need a lot of love don’t know what they’re doing. . we don’t know what we’re doing. . oh, jesus — I’m parched. . what’s a girl to do to get a drink round here? you should never ’ave to bury a child in the system. . not because he’s a mental defective. . come over from the ruskies. . state of ’em. . no frat. . no frat. . no freiheit. . gross gott. . but painted ’em up proper. . got some sulpha for the worst of it. . got to. . had to open up for it. . but you expect that. . putting on the agony. . a mental defective. . shaved all his hair off said he was a holy man. . i cried all night i cried. . i was parched. . fließen die tränen, yeah, yeah, mir ewig erneut. . don’t care made to care no one been bad that enough to not care held him. . you don’t know, can’t know — trauma? i’d give you bloody traumas round and round trauma pushing it out and in a foul mood one goes mad putting on the agony. . five die. . ten go mad. . no mother should have to leave him with the pansies but i couldn’t handle him, he was well gone but no mother no son his crown jewels all burnt. . should hold it in a silky sow’s purse not even any balls in there just his winkle maybe not and never thought nothing much of it they done that down our way givvit a little suck and that. . calms ’em, don’t it. . sang to me that night. . my girl don’t stand no cheatin’. . fließen die tränen, yeah, yeah, mir ewig erneut. . always been a sucker for it. . lovely voice. . sing this — sing that, come back to the cottage that time again later it was. . sing lieder like the fat bint in the ruins of the adlon said she’s been a pg. . cut her hair off. . addabei. . addabei. . addablues. . show tunes, happy talk — please embrace me, sweet embraceable you. . sing anything. . lovely voice got his whole hand up me once i swear fingers in my arse too i said i’m not a fucking glove puppet. . i’ve had a bloody kid, i have. . left debbie back in poplar went on the razzle. . up central hall. . maybe conway hall. . dunno. . good people, though. . ideals. . we had ’em. . he made a mud pie, sweet thing with green eyes couldn’t really talk much but names change lovely boy. . pressburger inna jeep. . plenty of fags and upsie-upsie that time what with the bennies and the fags and the okay-tokay. . what’s a girl to do to get a goddamn drink in this lousy saloon. . wild boys. . quis custodiet ipsos custodes, he said when he got back with her from berko carnival, i said kiss custard sick custard. . we had a laugh. . we do have a laugh ’though he’s a mournful sod. . all mournful sods really, all don’t know how thin it is. . it’s so thin this world. . turn your head it’s gone. . it’s so thin. . they walk round inna ring in king william street don’t ever really geddit. . looking for patterns. . shapes. . making mud pies. . stringing ’em up on lamp-posts. . a heap of broken things. . mother shouldn’t never have to see that, don’t care if she’s austrian, bohemian. . kraut. . frisch weht der wind der heimat zu. . don’t care. . shouldn’t have to see that, crown jewels cut off all burnt in his mouth. . shouldn’t’ve gone with ’em. . shouldn’t’ve gone bloody anywhere. . gone there. . gone here. . clean kitchen surfaces best thing there is sign of an orderly mind. . you smile when you smoke cadets. . you smirk when you smoke marijuana. . don’t mind. . don’t mind a little kif. . had some in the garden at the cottage, yokels didn’t have a clue he says responsible. . i say you don’t know shit, boy, wandering you are. . you’re the wanderer far from home you won’t ever get home you wander about go on wandering. . see if i care. . in king william street in a ring. . local authority funding not available — make it bloody available. . these kids. . good kids basically. . need a bit of honest. . firm hand. . obviously. . firm bloody hand. . did you like the film? never went to the film, stayed in looked through the album. . never one for snaps. . old man. . he was. . old man. . fine figure. . that’s the tallyman. . sort ’im out, girl. . sort ’im out. . fine figure bottle of bass. . bottle of bass on his belly fine man. . and little jeanie in jeans. . those inserts sewn up good. . dab hand. . got that nasturtium shmatte in berko. . sewn it in. . looked the bollocks. . right bobby-dazzler. . what’s a girl gotta do. . drinky-poohs. . no mother should have to do that. . bury a child she don’t know what she don’t know don’t talk to me about it. . walk round in a ring. . he was off in — oh i dunno. . maybe the hatch maybe friern he went all over. . he wandered when we came down from yorkshire, couldn’t hold on. . hold on to anything but a skilled man knew his fabrics. . mutti taught him that and there was money there from the factory, they got it back after the war, i think. . don’t know, though. . not gonna take it off a man ill like that i pay my own way. . always worked. . always smelling of gefilte fish. . fish. . hell of a bloody coincidence in the public baths your own cubicle and you could have salt water from one tap which made it all floaty. . some said they went in there and done it sneaked in hot bath sea water bottle of gin. . down barking reach. . no mother shoulda oughta done that to her child. . hell of a bloody coincidence. . what you know about it? nothing — fuck all. . i see him. . i see you. . i dunno. . maybe i done it with my husband too. . that’s what they’re for innit? putting on the agony. . putting on the style. . he was put up somewhere down by queen’s gate — not flash, had to smuggle me in by the fire escape, stood out there with the wind going right up me and when he was at it he talked like he was a madman but he didn’t half go like the clappers. . beautiful singer too. . cried. . tears like rain. . didn’t know he’d the mentals then. . plenty of front. . years later he comes by the cottage and he’s spark-a-loco. . on about coal holes and muffs and what have you. . wanted to know. . said he’d found out from fred egan at the campaign office. . i said fred don’t know shit. . i don’t know neither. . nobody knows. . nobody’s ever going to know. . i don’t — she don’t know. . she don’t know nothing. . i sit up all night at ’er ears. . syringing ’er ears. . she don’t know the fucking pain of it, she don’t know. . i don’t. . no mother should have to do that — push it out like that. . joy? don’t make me fine figure of a man the tallyman always smelling of gefilte fish she don’t know. . i don’t know then maybe when the little one was dead in her i don’t know. . wish i’d something to tell her but I don’t have nothing to tell her, they was all walking round inna ring on king william street. . patronising bastard. . did you enjoy the film? i told her what was what — what she should know all i could. . debbie. . head screwed on tight no need done up proper done up prop— debbie need none done up. . drinky-poohs. . debbie come by tell ’er that. . that no more drinky-poohs. . girl can’t get a baby guinness. . girl can’t get a gin an’ it. . girl gone up the farm with the gripes got that shit inna jar offa them old witches. . drunk it down threw it right back up an’ felt better. . maybe. . eats into you — shit-for-brains. . shit in your drawers. . where the brown-paper bags’re crumpled up. . dunno why i save ’em but i allus do. . eats into you. . fine figure of a man. . patronising bastard. . i told ’er best bloody thing you’ll ever read tell you what’s what time to resist these thin bastards walking round inna ring on king william street did she listen. . don’t know fucked off gone off whoring i think. . never sure ’bout that but my suspicions. . i had. . she come up the club. . put it about. . junkie whore, val said, i fucking hit him with me knucks. . the cunt