“I guess this means you win, babe,” he whispered, forcing a smile to his sullen face. “Tomorrow I’m going to call my lawyer and have him draw up a legal visitation schedule. That way, you won’t have to see me anymore and I won’t have to see you with other men. I think that’s best for both of us.”
“If that’s what you want,” she replied, without much emotion. Inside, her heart was breaking into a thousand tiny pieces.
“No. That isn't what I want,” he answered forcefully without raising his voice. “It's what you want and what I believe you deserve. I refuse to be the cause of any more of your pain. You have the right to be happy and me being here isn't going to make that happen, is it?”
Annie shrugged her shoulders.
A few anxious moments passed and Michael grew increasingly more uncomfortable with the way the conversation was proceeding. “I’m heading back to Boston after I call my lawyer,” he said, hoping to prompt a reaction from her. “I have an appointment with my physical therapist and I thought I might also take a guitar lesson.”
For the first time, Annie raised her head and made direct eye contact with him. The tears she had managed to have some sense of control over, now slid down her cheeks in tiny rivers. She did nothing to stop them. She stared at him thoughtfully before she spoke.
“I’m glad to hear you’re going to try playing again. I sincerely hope it works for you.”
“That’s it? You have no comment on the fact I’m heading back to Boston?”
Annie wiped at her face and shook her head. “You’re free to do whatever you want.”
“Annie, I don't think you understand the seriousness of this conversation,” he said, extending his hand to touch hers on the table. “When I leave here today, you will no longer see me, at least in the capacity you have been seeing me over the last two months. If you have any feelings about that, I need to know now.”
“Michael, I’m exhausted with the entire situation,” she said, her voice cracking through her tears. “I want the hurt to stop too! I’m sick to death of the games, the insults and the innuendos. I want the peace to return to my life.”
“Finally, we agree on something,” he exhaled, sliding back in his chair and clasping his hands behind his head. “Then let’s end it now. Let’s get all the crap between us out on the table and be done with it.”
He bent forward and lowered his face to hers. “Let’s end the games too, Annie, and be honest with what’s been going on between us.” His voice was soft and soothing like warm flannel on a cold winters night. “Do you think you can handle the honesty of that?”
“I’m not the one that’s had issues with being honest.”
He sighed heavily and looked across the table at her. Even with tears streaming down her face, she was still beautiful. Breathtaking, he thought, as he crossed his outstretched legs at the ankle. As long as he lived, he would never tire of gazing at her.
“Give me a reason to stay and I will,” he said.
She lifted her head to meet his questioning eyes. “And if I don’t?”
“Then I’m gone.”
“Does it have to be so black and white?” Annie asked.
“Yes. For my sanity and yours, it does.”
Annie stood and nervously went to the railing of the deck. Her aching eyes scanned the vast ocean. At that very moment, she would have given anything to jump into the nearest boat and sail off into the horizon.
The touch of his hands resting on her shoulders made her jump. Then his face lowered until it was beside her ear. “I love you, Annie, now more than ever. Divorce didn’t change that,” he sighed. “I love you so much it physically hurts. It hurts to be without you and it hurts when I’m with you, knowing you don’t want me the way I still want you.”
She turned her body, and in the process, freed herself from his embrace. She raised her eyes to meet his. The depth of sorrow in his eyes revealed more than the words he spoke. The idea of not seeing him scared her even more than him staying. Neither option made her feel comfortable.
“I don’t have any other options to suggest, Annie. Tell me what you want.”
She opened her mouth but the words would not connect with her tongue.
“Why won’t you talk to me? Tell me what you’re feeling,” he pleaded, taking a step closer, only to watch her shrink away. For several seconds, he waited. When she offered no reply, his back stiffened and he raked his fingers through his dark hair.
“Then, I guess that’s it,” he said.
Annie faced the ocean again. Every thud of his boots echoed inside her body and crashed in her ears. She clasped her eyes together tightly wanting it all to go away.
She heard him descend onto the first step. Panic raced through her body. Was he really leaving for good, she thought? Did she really want to be rid of him?
“Michael!”
He turned where he stood and faced her.
“I don’t want you to go,” she said between sobs.
A smile removed the strained expression on his face as he slowly made his way back to her.
“But, I’m not sure I want you to stay either,” she added.
He was in front of her now, his chest inches from her face. Without an invitation, his hands slid around the back of her neck and he pulled her gently against his body. She melted into him, feeling safely wrapped within his arms, secure for the first time in months. She could hear his heart beating wildly against his ribs and it filled her body with a sense of completion. He pulled her even tighter and rocked her back and forth. Her arms tentatively circled his waist.
“Why don’t you want me to stay?” he asked, resting his chin on the top of her head.
“Because I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“You. I’m scared to death you’ll hurt me again.”
He cupped her face with his hands. “Life has few guarantees, Annie. But one thing I know for certain, I will never stop loving you as long as I can still draw breath into my lungs.”
Before the last word was out of his mouth, he kissed her. It was long, sweet and soulful. The kind of kiss that remains in one’s memory for a lifetime and becomes a reflection point to which you return to again and again because it is just that pure and uncluttered.
Annie offered no resistance and blossomed beneath his lips. Her back arched against him. Her fingers disappeared into the long wavy fibers of his hair. He spun them around, nearly delirious, until his back rested against the deck railing. Chest heaving, he kissed her again. “Can you deny the feeling that comes with this, Annie?” he sighed into her open mouth. “I can feel you kissing me back, so why can’t you admit what you’re feeling? This isn’t lust, sweetheart. It goes much deeper than that.”
He pressed an open palm against her left breast and tenderly massaged. Her nipple immediately responded to his touch and pitched to a rosy peak. “Tell me what you have in your heart. Are you feeling what I’m feeling, babe?”
Reluctantly, she pulled away and shook her head. “Do you really want to know what’s in my heart?”
He nodded.
“I have scar tissue, Michael. “Painful, ugly scar tissue, and every time you touch me, the wounds re-open.” She hung her arms over her head in a protective gesture. “I can’t do this, Michael. I’m just not ready.”
“It’s okay, Annie. We’ll work through all of it.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’ve had months to prepare for this. And you keep pushing and giving me ultimatums.”