He glanced at her, then back at Thaddeus. “Go on out, Thad, and help David with the horses; I'll meet you at the rooms later."
Thaddeus nodded, looking at Miriam curiously, and obeyed. When he had gone John led the way to a quiet corner table, seated them both, and asked, “What is it? Are you still trying to get me killed?"
“No-at least, I don't think so."
“Don't you know?"
“No, I don't-not any more."
“I reckon maybe you don't, at that; I pretty much expected you to find our camp and come out there to bother me, but you never did. When I found out that the Earthers knew where we were I thought you might have told them, but it wasn't you at all, it was one of their ‘sat-alights'. I thought I'd seen the last of you."
“Well, I didn't expect to see you again, either! I thought you were so stubborn that you'd stay out there all alone after your men all deserted you, and freeze to death by Christmas!"
“I may be that stubborn, but I'm not that stupid. Suicide's a sin-besides, he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day, as the saying goes."
She stared at him, momentarily at a loss for words.
“What was it you wanted to talk to me about?” he demanded.
“Oh. I don't know how to explain, exactly. I wanted to tell you… no, ask… no, tell you something. About how I feel about you."
“Tell me, then.” He sat back, expecting her to spout either gleeful anticipation of his impending death at the hands of the Heaveners, or a tearful forgiveness.
“I hated you, so very much-you took my home, killed my father, a dozen of your men raped me. I wanted to see you die, slowly.” She paused, looking up at him across the table.
John was uneasy. This was not the raving he had anticipated. He had rarely heard anyone speak so openly and directly. He tried to answer soothingly without lying or distorting the truth. “That's natural enough,” he said. “The Lord said to love your enemies and forgive the wrongs done you, but it's hard-about the hardest thing there is, I guess. I'm sorry about what my men did to you-it's the custom, in war, but that's hard, too. It was a just war, to bring people to Jesus, but I can't fault you for hating it."
“I hated you, though,” she said. “I blamed it all on you. You had led the invaders; I heard an officer say that it was your idea to use Marshside for a base instead of attacking the Chosen directly and I knew you'd given your men permission to pillage the town."
“It wasn't really my idea-one of the Elders…"
“That doesn't matter,” she interrupted. “Let me finish. I hated you, I thought you were an inhuman monster. When you took that splinter away from me so easily I was sure of it, and when you refused to rape me because the Bible says a man should be chaste I thought it was because you weren't human enough to rape a woman. I thought you were a demon. Maybe not really, actually a demon, but not really a man. You were the Enemy. And my enemy's enemy is my friend, so I believed that the Heaveners were honest and good, come to help Godsworld. You understand?"
John nodded, cautiously.
“Then you told me about that woman, Tuesday-you had a reason to hate the Heaveners, after all. And you'd lost your army; you weren't unbeatable, you'd suffered. I was confused by all that, Captain. I wanted to see how much of what you said was true. So I came back here, and got a job at the inn here-I told them I was the widow of one of your men. And I went to the fortress and talked to people there, and I saw some of the records they have, and what you told me about Tuesday was true; I saw the tape of you and her together."
“What?!” John's outburst was involuntary, the result of astonishment and outrage. “What tape?"
“Oh, they tape everything there, pictures and sound-it's almost like watching through a window. Any time anyone moves, anywhere in the Corporate Headquarters, it's carefully recorded and filed away. The machines do it all. I got to know some of the Earthers pretty well in the past few weeks, and one of them let me watch the tapes of you. I watched it all half a dozen times, from different angles. You were raped, just the way I was-and you took it the same way I did, you wanted revenge. You're just human, like me; you're not a monster."
He stared at her for a long moment, unable to reply.
“I just wanted you to know that I know that now. You're just human, and you've been raped and your family killed-the army was your family, wasn't it?-and your home was destroyed, just the way it happened to me. We're even now; I can forgive you, at least partly. I still won't weep if you get killed, Captain, but I don't need to see it. I wanted to tell you that.” She pushed back her chair and stood up. “That's all."
“Wait a minute!"
“Yes?"
“It was all recorded?"
“Well, not all-you can be glad of one thing.” A vicious smile suddenly lit her face. “Did you know they can even record what comes over an empathy spike? Tuesday didn't do that, though-what you felt is gone forever. Thank God for the small favors, Captain!” She walked away, her hips swinging in saucy derision.
Chapter Seventeen
“And thou, even thyself, shalt discontinue from thine heritage that I gave thee; and I will cause thee to serve thine enemies in the land which thou knowest not: for ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever."-Jeremiah 17:4
After sending a message to Dawes that he needed time to consider her offer, John spent most of the next two days resting and thinking, while his few remaining followers were out in the streets and markets trying unsuccessfully to recruit new men, and making contact with their fellows, now no longer spies for an army but merely a band of saboteurs. It was the morning of the third day when John was certain of his decision; he tracked down Miriam. She worked days as a chambermaid and evenings as a waitress, rarely leaving the inn, so finding her was not difficult.
After a few stiff formalities, John said, “You told me that you knew some of the Earthers pretty well."
She looked at him warily before replying, “Mostly just one, really."
“The one who showed you those tapes."
“Yes."
“What sort of a man is he?"
“How do you mean that?"
“Well, showing you the tapes-that wasn't something he was expected to do, was it? Did his superiors approve?"
“I don't know; I didn't think about it. Why? What does it matter?"
“I want to talk to an Earther, that's all-a reasonable one, who won't turn down a proposition before he hears it."
“You want to hire a spy?"
“No, not really-just someone who will do one or two things for me, nothing dangerous."
“Kwam? might do something like that, I don't know."
“Kwam??"
“That's his name."
“I don't like these pagan Earther names; they don't mean anything. It makes them hard to remember."
“His name is Kwam? Montez; he says he's from a place called Australia, back on Earth."
“I never heard of it."
“Neither did I,” Miriam admitted. “This proposition you want to make-you're still trying to drive away the Earthers, aren't you?"
“I might be,” John said.
“Are you?"
“Yes,” he admitted.
“That's what I thought-you don't give up easily. I don't know if Kwam? will help you-he's not really dishonest, he's just… well, playful. He is a Heavener, a real Heavener, not a stockholder like Tuesday; he wants them to stay on Godsworld."
“I just want him to listen to my offer. I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I won't ask him to damage anything."
She looked at him carefully. They were in one of the unoccupied rooms, where she had been replacing the bedsheets. “What are you up to?"
“Nothing that will hurt you. Just introduce me to this Kwam?, that's all. I can do you a favor in exchange, or pay you a little, if you like."
“Are you going to ask him to get you something? Steal something?"
John shook his head. “Don't ask me a lot of questions.” She was uncomfortably close to what he had in mind. He had not expected her to figure anything out, or even to try. He hadn't thought her capable of thinking like that.