“Moore may settle his own matters henceforward for me; I’ll neither meddle nor make with them further.”
A new thought crossed her. Her countenance changed magically. With a sudden darkening of the eye and austere fixing of the features she demanded, “Have you been asked to interfere? Are you questioning me as another’s proxy?”
“The Lord save us! Whoever weds thee must look about him! Keep all your questions for Robert; I’ll answer no more on ’em. Good day, lassie!”
The day being fine, or at least fair – for soft clouds curtained the sun, and a dim but not chill or waterish haze slept blue on the hills – Caroline, while Shirley was engaged with her callers, had persuaded Mrs. Pryor to assume her bonnet and summer shawl, and to take a walk with her up towards the narrow end of the Hollow.
Here the opposing sides of the glen, approaching each other and becoming clothed with brushwood and stunted oaks, formed a wooded ravine, at the bottom of which ran the mill stream, in broken, unquiet course, struggling with many stones, chafing against rugged banks, fretting with gnarled tree roots, foaming, gurgling, battling as it went. Here, when you had wandered half a mile from the mill, you found a sense of deep solitude – found it in the shade of unmolested trees, received it in the singing of many birds, for which that shade made a home. This was no trodden way. The freshness of the wood flowers attested that foot of man seldom pressed them; the abounding wild roses looked as if they budded, bloomed, and faded under the watch of solitude, as if in a sultan’s harem. Here you saw the sweet azure of bluebells, and recognized in pearl-white blossoms, spangling the grass, a humble type of some starlit spot in space.
Mrs. Pryor liked a quiet walk. She ever shunned high-roads, and sought byways and lonely lanes. One companion she preferred to total solitude, for in solitude she was nervous; a vague fear of annoying encounters broke the enjoyment of quite lonely rambles. But she feared nothing with Caroline. When once she got away from human habitations, and entered the still demesne of nature accompanied by this one youthful friend, a propitious change seemed to steal over her mind and beam in her countenance. When with Caroline – and Caroline only – her heart, you would have said, shook off a burden, her brow put aside a veil, her spirits too escaped from a restraint. With her she was cheerful; with her, at times, she was tender; to her she would impart her knowledge, reveal glimpses of her experience, give her opportunities for guessing what life she had lived, what cultivation her mind had received, of what calibre was her intelligence, how and where her feelings were vulnerable.
Today, for instance, as they walked along, Mrs. Pryor talked to her companion about the various birds singing in the trees, discriminated their species, and said something about their habits and peculiarities. English natural history seemed familiar to her. All the wild flowers round their path were recognized by her; tiny plants springing near stones and peeping out of chinks in old walls – plants such as Caroline had scarcely noticed before – received a name and an intimation of their properties. It appeared that she had minutely studied the botany of English fields and woods. Having reached the head of the ravine, they sat down together on a ledge of gray and mossy rock jutting from the base of a steep green hill which towered above them. She looked round her, and spoke of the neighbourhood as she had once before seen it long ago. She alluded to its changes, and compared its aspect with that of other parts of England, revealing in quiet, unconscious touches of description a sense of the picturesque, an appreciation of the beautiful or commonplace, a power of comparing the wild with the cultured, the grand with the tame, that gave to her discourse a graphic charm as pleasant as it was unpretending.
The sort of reverent pleasure with which Caroline listened – so sincere, so quiet, yet so evident – stirred the elder lady’s faculties to gentle animation. Rarely, probably, had she, with her chill, repellent outside, her diffident mien, and incommunicative habits, known what it was to excite in one whom she herself could love feelings of earnest affection and admiring esteem. Delightful, doubtless, was the consciousness that a young girl towards whom it seemed, judging by the moved expression of her eyes and features, her heart turned with almost a fond impulse, looked up to her as an instructor, and clung to her as a friend. With a somewhat more marked accent of interest than she often permitted herself to use, she said, as she bent towards her youthful companion, and put aside from her forehead a pale brown curl which had strayed from the confining comb, “I do hope this sweet air blowing from the hill will do you good, my dear Caroline. I wish I could see something more of colour in these cheeks; but perhaps you were never florid?”
“I had red cheeks once,” returned Miss Helstone, smiling. “I remember a year – two years ago – when I used to look in the glass, I saw a different face there to what I see now – rounder and rosier. But when we are young,” added the girl of eighteen, “our minds are careless and our lives easy.”
“Do you,” continued Mrs. Pryor, mastering by an effort that tyrant timidity which made it difficult for her, even under present circumstances, to attempt the scrutiny of another’s heart—“do you, at your age, fret yourself with cares for the future? Believe me, you had better not. Let the morrow take thought for the things of itself.”
“True, dear madam. It is not over the future I pine. The evil of the day is sometimes oppressive – too oppressive – and I long to escape it.”
“That is – the evil of the day – that is – your uncle perhaps is not – you find it difficult to understand – he does not appreciate.”
Mrs. Pryor could not complete her broken sentences; she could not manage to put the question whether Mr. Helstone was too harsh with his niece. But Caroline comprehended.
“Oh, that is nothing,” she replied. “My uncle and I get on very well. We never quarrel – I don’t call him harsh – he never scolds me. Sometimes I wish somebody in the world loved me, but I cannot say that I particularly wish him to have more affection for me than he has. As a child, I should perhaps have felt the want of attention, only the servants were very kind to me; but when people are long indifferent to us, we grow indifferent to their indifference. It is my uncle’s way not to care for women and girls, unless they be ladies that he meets in company. He could not alter, and I have no wish that he should alter, as far as I am concerned. I believe it would merely annoy and frighten me were he to be affectionate towards me now. But you know, Mrs. Pryor, it is scarcely living to measure time as I do at the rectory. The hours pass, and I get them over somehow, but I do not live. I endure existence, but I rarely enjoy it. Since Miss Keeldar and you came I have been – I was going to say happier, but that would be untrue.” She paused.
“How untrue? You are fond of Miss Keeldar, are you not, my dear?”
“Very fond of Shirley. I both like and admire her. But I am painfully circumstanced. For a reason I cannot explain I want to go away from this place, and to forget it.”
“You told me before you wished to be a governess; but, my dear, if you remember, I did not encourage the idea. I have been a governess myself great part of my life. In Miss Keeldar’s acquaintance I esteem myself most fortunate. Her talents and her really sweet disposition have rendered my office easy to me; but when I was young, before I married, my trials were severe, poignant. I should not like a – I should not like you to endure similar ones. It was my lot to enter a family of considerable pretensions to good birth and mental superiority, and the members of which also believed that ‘on them was perceptible’ an unusual endowment of the ‘Christian graces;’ that all their hearts were regenerate, and their spirits in a peculiar state of discipline. I was early given to understand that ‘as I was not their equal,’ so I could not expect ‘to have their sympathy.’ It was in no sort concealed from me that I was held a ‘burden and a restraint in society.’ The gentlemen, I found, regarded me as a ‘tabooed woman,’ to whom ‘they were interdicted from granting the usual privileges of the sex,’ and yet ‘who annoyed them by frequently crossing their path.’ The ladies too made it plain that they thought me ‘a bore.’ The servants, it was signified, ‘detested me;’ why, I could never clearly comprehend. My pupils, I was told, ‘however much they might love me, and how deep soever the interest I might take in them, could not be my friends.’ It was intimated that I must ‘live alone, and never transgress the invisible but rigid line which established the difference between me and my employers.’ My life in this house was sedentary, solitary, constrained, joyless, toilsome. The dreadful crushing of the animal spirits, the ever-prevailing sense of friendlessness and homelessness consequent on this state of things began ere long to produce mortal effects on my constitution. I sickened. The lady of the house told me coolly I was the victim of ‘wounded vanity.’ She hinted that if I did not make an effort to quell my ‘ungodly discontent,’ to cease ‘murmuring against God’s appointment,’ and to cultivate the profound humility befitting my station, my mind would very likely ‘go to pieces’ on the rock that wrecked most of my sisterhood – morbid self-esteem – and that I should die an inmate of a lunatic asylum.