“I was worried that someone might steal my car.” Someone might steal his car? Hold on a second. I looked down at my file.
“That would be the 1998 Geo Metro?”
“It’s a classic. I thought that maybe if the car looked occupied …”
“And you were going to put Mr. Peterman in your car so that he could act like some sort of scarecrow?” Oh I couldn’t wait to tell Judge Epstein this one.
“Exactly.” An evil grin spread across his crooked mouth and I cringed at the sight of his jagged yellow teeth. He looked like a shark, a really creepy shark. Jinkies Scooby! “What else would I have been doing with a dead body? I wasn’t planning to take him home to meet my mother.” He burst onto a fit of laughter that could only be described a “diabolical.” It sounded like “bwahahahaha.” I wish I were kidding. I inched back a bit further. I didn’t want to think about what else he could be doing with a dead body.
“Okay, then. And if for some wacky reason, that perfectly reasonable explanation doesn’t fly with Judge Epstein, do you want me to try to negotiate a guilty plea or request a trial date?”
“Eh. See what they offer.”
“Gotcha. Okay, see you soon.” I smiled and got up to leave. The moment I turned my back I rolled my eyes. I caught sight of Braden again. Judge Epstein had called his case with Ms. Crowley, who was dressed in every color imaginable. She looked like somebody threw up a rainbow. I think the look she was going for was Sideshow Fortuneteller chic. I decided to pause to watch. I had a feeling it could get interesting.
“What are the charges Mr. Brenner?” Judge Epstein, for once didn’t bellow. Maybe she recognized Ms. Crowley as one of her own.
“Disorderly Conduct, Terroristic Threats and Littering.”
“I assume that the defendant has not waived the preliminary hearing, because that would make my life too easy.”
“That’s correct, Your Honor,” Braden replied with a smile. God, I loved him.
“Are the Commonwealth’s witnesses present, Mr. Brenner?” she asked with a glimmer of hope shining in her steely eyes like a glint on the edge of a dagger.
“They are, Your Honor,” he replied, and the light was extinguished.
“Let’s get this show on the road then. Nothing like the intricate legal challenge of a littering case.” The attorneys and Ms. Crowley resumed their seats at opposing counsel table.
“The Commonwealth calls Mr. Evan Drake.” A guy in tight pants and a T-shirt that said, “Hello, my name is Stud,” stalked up to the witness stand. As he passed by, I saw that the back said “Kiss me before my girlfriend gets back.” Ah, there was nothing like a manly man with a fabulous wit. He looked like a real catch. The kind you throw back. He was sworn in and stated his name and address for the record. He could even spell it. Who knew?
“Mr. Drake,” Mr. Brenner began, “do you recognize that woman?” He looked over at the defense table.
“Yes I do,” Ev spat back in a whiny voice. “That’s the woman who threatened me.” He seemed like the type who was threatened by women in general. I could tell already that Braden was right; I was going to love Ev. What intelligent woman with self-respect wouldn’t?
“Let the record indicate that the witness has identified the defendant, Delores Crowley. And do you recall seeing Ms. Crowley on the night of September 23rd of this year, sir?”
“Yeah. She was trying to get into my friggin’ apartment. Not that she would be the first chick to try that.” He snorted and flexed. Oh my, what a turn on. Someone stop me from tossing my panties at his feet.
“Would you please explain what you mean? About her trying to get in, that is.”
“I live in a two unit building. I’m on the first floor. Anyway, that wackadoo, ‘Steven,’ who lives above me, had that woman come to his apartment for some mumbo jumbo party.” He made sure to lisp as he pronounced his neighbor’s name. Wow, a homophobe too. He was getting sexier by the minute. Somehow, I thought that Ev had a smaller unit than Steven.
“What do you mean ‘mumbo jumbo party’ Mr. Drake?” Mr. Brenner asked.
“She came in and I heard furniture moving around upstairs and moaning coming from Steven’s place. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of moaning coming from my place on any given night, but this was different.” Ev sat back and gave us all what I’m sure he thought was a cocky grin, but in reality, it was more like a dicky smile. Judge Epstein was looking at Ev like one would look at a bag of burning dog pooh.
“What happened?” Mr. Brenner asked, clearing his throat and grimacing. He looked like he had eaten some bad dip.
I noted that Mr. Brenner and Mr. Drake resembled each other physically. They were both tall, dark haired guys in their mid-twenties. But, while I could understand Mr. Brenner being popular with the ladies, I couldn’t help feeling that a woman would have to be desperate, or clinically brain dead, to even have a one-night stand with Ev.
“What happened was that the lights went out and came back on a few times and the air conditioning went on the blink. Then the next thing I knew, they were pounding on my door.”
“What did they want?” Mr. Brenner leaned against the prosecution table and crossed his arms.
“Steven said that the crazy chick was an exorcist and she was ‘cleansing’ the house.” He made little air quotes and rolled his eyes.
“What happened then?”
“She started mumbling and moaning. She sounded like she had been on a bender, you know? Then she pointed at me! That nasty bi … woman, said that I was full of bad energy. Can you believe that garbage?” He looked up at Judge Epstein imploringly. Her head was cocked to the side as she squinted at him. I think she was wondering if evil might be inhabiting Ev. My money was on him being possessed by the spirit of a 1970’s B-list porn star.
“What, if anything, did you say in response?” Mr. Brenner went on.
“I told them to get out of my friggin’ apartment but she said that I was the reason that our building was cursed. Can you imagine, somebody saying that I brought them bad mojo?”
“Hell yeah!” yelled some woman from the gallery.
“Order,” Judge Epstein said sternly, but I saw her smile a little.
“She said your building is cursed?” Mr. Brenner went on, glancing up almost apologetically at the woman. Clearly, he agreed with her.
“Like I said, the lights go on and off and we’ve got problems with the heat and the air conditioning. It gets really cold in some rooms, and hotter everywhere else. That’s not a curse though. It’s a cheap-ass landlord who doesn’t want to hire anybody to fix it.”
“What happened after you told them to get out?”
“Steven told her they should go because I wasn’t going to cooperate. Damn straight I wasn’t. But that nut wouldn’t leave. She kept insisting that I was the reason that our building was cursed, and she had to do some kind of exorcism and ‘cleanse’ my apartment. She was just after some extra cash. I know how these people work.”
“What happened then?”
“She started chanting some BS about returning to where I came from. I told her I came from Jersey, and she could go back to the nuthouse.”
“Did she leave?”
“No, and I tried to slam my door in her face, but she started yelling, ‘to hell with you.’ So, I yelled, to hell with you too lady! I felt threatened — in fear for my life, you know?” Oh please! I rolled my eyes.
“Did she do anything else?”
“Yeah, she dropped garlic cloves and salt all over the place.”
“No further questions.”
“Cross examination.” Judge Epstein grumbled.
“Mr. Drake,” Braden said, standing to his full six-foot-three-inch height and striding up to the witness stand commandingly. Ev shrunk back a little. “Isn’t it true that when Mr. Steven McKenna and Ms. Delores Crowley showed up at your door you opened it willingly?”
“Yeah, so?”
“You weren’t in any fear at that point, correct?”
“Not at that point, no.”