Andrew was opening his presents with his usual precision and nail-biting suspense, professing delight with everything, especially the mittens. "Hey, cool- now I can make really good snowballs!"
"Uh-oh," Tony said, "I'm in trouble now."
Tony's gift to Andrew was a big, glossy book about trains. "Oh, cool!" Andrew said when he saw it and was instantly engrossed.
"Ours is in here," Tony said, reaching over his shoulder to turn pages. "Look-right there. Isn't that it?"
"Hey, yeah," Andrew said excitedly. "Look, Mom, we can copy this picture when we do the writing!"
Karen agreed, hiding a smile. Our train? She wondered if Tony knew how much he'd given away with that tiny little slip of the tongue. Tenderness swelled her chest and tightened her throat as she took his present from under the tree and placed it on his lap. She sat down beside him to watch him open it, holding her hands clasped tightly together, vibrating inside with tension.
"It's a humidor," she explained as he lifted the mahogany box out of the tissue paper wrappings. "It belonged to my grandfather. My grandmother gave it to me when I was a little girl, to keep my doll clothes in. I know you don't smoke cigars, but you can keep other things in it, like-"
"It's beautiful," Tony said in a muffled voice, stroking the glossy wood with his fingertips.
"Open it," Karen whispered.
He did, and there were the cookies, wrapped and padded with plastic-green sugar Christmas trees and holly wreaths, blue sugar stars and angels, chocolate-sprinkled bells and reindeer, cinnamon imperial candy canes and funny smiling Santas.
"I told you," she said, husky and breathless with tension. "The prettiest Christmas cookies in the world."
Tony just looked at her. She could see the soft Christmas lights reflected in his eyes, along with all the things that were in her own heart that she couldn't say. The warmth in his eyes drew her; their silence enfolded them both like a web…
"My turn!" Andrew said, and they jumped a little, guiltily, hearts bumping.
He went running off to his room and was back in a moment, hiding something behind his back and commanding, "Close your eyes… okay, now you can open them."
Karen did. A small, wondering "Oh… " escaped her as Andrew placed his gift in her hands.
"I made it," he said, self-conscious and proud. "Mr. Clausen showed me how. But I could only make one, so it's for both of you."
It was Santa's sleigh and nine reindeer, on a base of rough pine bark covered with cotton snow. The sleigh was made from a matchbox, with pipe-cleaner runners, and was filled to overflowing with old-fashioned hard Christmas candy. The reindeer were made of clothespins, with pipe-cleaner antlers. The lead reindeer had a tiny red nose.
"Oh, Andrew," Karen said tearfully, "it's the best present I ever got."
"Hey," Tony said, "where's Santa?"
Andrew laughed and rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, and he and Tony grinned at each other as if they shared a secret.
After that, there was the cleaning up to do, and then it was time for Andrew to go to bed. Once again he went without protest, but he came back in his pajamas to lay his Christmas stocking at the foot of the tree, right beside the train.
Tony wished him a gruff "Merry Christmas, kid." Karen went off to tuck him in and kiss him goodnight. When she came back, Tony was on his knees beside the train track, the electrical plug in one hand.
"Well," he said, looking up at her, "shall we see if it works?"
She knelt down beside him, trying to quell the nervousness inside her. "I guess we'd better…"
Tony put the plug in the socket and turned on the switch. The engine made a churring sound and lurched forward an inch or two. Karen's breath caught; she put her hand over her mouth to hold back a cry of joy.
And then the engine stopped.
Tony swore softly, tinkered with the connections, the track, the engine, and tried again. Again the engine churred, moved a little way along the track and then stopped. While Karen waited in agonized suspense, heart thumping, he tried it again and again. And finally sat back on his heels, shaking his head.
"I guess that's it," he said, his voice husky and muffled. "I've done everything I know how to do. It's just… not going to work." His head was bowed, his broad shoulders slumped with dejection and defeat.
Seeing him like that, her own disappointment, and Andrew's, seemed unimportant. Oh, but his pain… his pain was more than she could bear. It filled her up and overflowed. She touched his shoulder and said brokenly, "Oh, Tony."
He turned in a rush and caught her in his arms. They held on tightly to each other, both whispering, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
"I'm sorry." Karen felt the tremors deep inside him as he spoke. "I know how much you wanted-"
"Shh," she said fiercely, "it's all right."
"I'll get it running, if it takes all night. I'll start from scratch. I must have missed a connection somewhere."
"Hush." She took his face between her hands and looked into his eyes. "It's all right. Andrew will understand. You didn't make any promises. He knows you tried." He gripped her wrists and looked away, but she pulled him back. "Oh, Tony," she whispered, while tears ran unchecked down her cheeks, "it doesn't matter. Don't you know that? It doesn't matter. I know it's happened quickly, but I don't care. I love you…"
For a long moment he looked at her, his eyes so dark and intent he seemed angry. Then he closed them and pulled her into his arms. "You love me?" he said wonderingly. She nodded. After a moment she felt him take a deep breath. "I have something for you. I was afraid to give it to you. I figured you weren't ready for it yet. I know it's too soon, but… " He let go of her and leaned back so he could reach into his pocket.
"What's this?" Karen said with a watery sniff as he placed the small velvet box into her hands and opened it for her.
"Just what it looks like." His voice was gruff, more so than she'd ever heard it.
"Oh, Tony… " She touched the shining stone with a wondering finger and began to cry again.
"If it's too soon, just say so. I'll wait until you're ready."
"It's not-oh, Tony, I know I love you, but… I'm scared. I'm afraid."
"What?" he said gently, brushing the tears from her cheek. "What are you afraid of?"
"I'm afraid-" she took a deep breath "-of losing you."
"Hey," he said with a shrug and a lopsided smile, "I'm not going anywhere."
"But you don't know that! You can't tell me nothing's ever going to happen to you! Don't make promises you can't keep!"
Now it was Tony who held her face in his hands, refusing to let her go. He felt the tension in her as she fought him, fought herself, her own fears and feelings. "I can't promise you I'm never going to die," he said slowly, roughly, the words hurting inside him. "But I can promise you that I'm going to love you, and Andy, too, until the day I die. That's all I can do. That's all any of us can do, isn't it? Love each other as much as we can, for as long as we have?"
For a long time she looked at him, her blue eyes shimmering with love and tears. "Yes," she whispered at last, "I guess it is."
This time, when he kissed her, she didn't fight it. He felt the leap of joy inside her, and then the melting surrender… and finally the growing and merging… the oneness that he knew would last a lifetime.