“So you’d be quite comfortable with me fucking any man I want?”
He grabbed the tip of the whip, drew her hard against his body. “If you were mine, you wouldn’t need to fuck any other man.”
“Because you’d be fucking them for me?”
He stared down at her face, absorbed her pain and his own, allowed the emotions inside him to solidify and condense, and sent them outward to her. “Marguerite, I love you, don’t you understand that yet?”
“You are infuriating!” She tried to kick his shin, but he pulled her even closer.
“I would only fuck another person if you ordered me to. In truth, I would probably like it if you did. And only men. I wouldn’t want another woman besides you.” He kissed the top of her head. “And you’re right. I mustn’t be selfish. If you asked nicely, I’d let you join in.” He hesitated. “And, of course, if you asked me not to touch anyone else but you, I’d try to do that as well.”
“You mean that after all you’ve just said, you’d be prepared to give up all your sexual interests for me?”
He sighed. “I’d certainly try. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I crave and what I can do without.” She tried to move away from him, but he held on. “I’m trying to be honest here, Marguerite; can you at least give me credit for that?”
“Then what do you want me to do?”
“Help me? Explore all the possibilities with me?”
She looked up at him, her lower lip caught between her teeth. He bent his head, licking the spot she’d gnawed on, tasting her blood. She moaned as his tongue slid into her mouth, took possession of it and dueled with hers. She pulled back, her breathing as short as his.
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you want to? Because you care about me?”
“Anthony, I’m not sure I am the right woman for you. Perhaps you need to experiment more before you make any decisions.”
“Because I’ve only made love to you?” He released her and took two steps back, let her see his already tented breeches. “Perhaps I am a man who finally knows what he wants.”
“But you just told me you didn’t know.”
“What I know, Marguerite, is that you are being a coward.” He pointed at the door. “You’d rather I went out there and spent the next six months trying everything the pleasure house has to offer. Then I suppose you’d like me to run back to you with a list, so that you could make up your mind if you could bear to love me?”
“You don’t understand; I can’t risk another mistake. I can’t . . .”
“Can’t risk loving me.” Anthony bowed. “I have to go and speak to my father now. I’ve decided to take up his offer and become his land manager for at least the next six months. It might not work out, but at least it will be valuable experience if I decide to branch out on my own again.”
He picked up his coat and waistcoat and headed for the door, his mouth uncomfortably dry as he swallowed down his agony. “Good-bye, Marguerite. Let me know if you change your mind.”
“Anthony . . .”
He heard the riding crop clatter to the floor, but he couldn’t turn back. He’d risked all and he’d lost, but he’d also learned something. Despite his heartbreak, he wasn’t going back to the life he’d led before. He grimaced into the darkness of the stairwell. Perhaps he should follow his own advice and start on a career of true debauchery. As long as he fucked women, his father wouldn’t mind.
He came to an abrupt stop on the first landing. But he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want any other woman but Marguerite. Briefly, he closed his eyes. A morning spent with his father was the perfect cure to any emotional display he might be tempted to make. But it wouldn’t cure his heartache; he doubted anything ever would.
Marguerite stared at the bare floorboards until the sound of Anthony’s retreating footsteps disappeared completely. She’d lost her nerve, frightened herself, doubted herself and finally succeeded in pushing Anthony away. She swallowed hard. He loved her? She drew her shawl closer around her body.
God, she needed to think. Could she bear never seeing him again, never touching him, never waking up with him moving over her? She shivered just at the thought of it. Had she just made a colossal blunder? Was Anthony right? Was she a coward?
She made her way back to the door and crept out into the deserted hallway beyond. This had all happened too fast. She’d known him only a few short weeks. After the disaster of her first marriage, she was right to be cautious, wasn’t she? She stared out of the window. Anthony would be halfway to his father’s house now, ready to start his new life—without her. Oh God, what had she done?
25
Marguerite knocked hard on the door to Captain David Gray’s lodgings and tried to look more confident than she felt. She hoped he was home but knew from experience that naval officers were at the mercy of the tide and the winds and sometimes had to leave far too promptly.
“Lady Justin?”
She fixed a smile on her face.
“Captain Gray, may I come in?”
“Of course, my lady.”
To her relief, he managed to conceal his understandable surprise behind a mask of calm courtesy she could only envy. She walked into his sitting room, noticing again how clean it was and how empty of personal belongings.
“How may I help you?”
Marguerite sat down. She’d spent the last three days trying to decide what to do about Anthony and had finally found the courage to act. It was time to forget her notions of ever being conventional and of fitting in. Her family might be unusual, but at least they loved and supported her. The least she could do was to be proud of them and embrace her unusual heritage. She could only hope Captain Gray would be amenable to her remarkable request.
She cleared her throat. “I need your advice about Anthony Sokorvsky.”
“Mine? I’m not sure if I’m the best person to ask.” He relaxed back in his chair, one leg crossed over the other. “Have you spoken to his brother or Mr. Peter Howard? They know him far better than I do.”
“I need a very particular kind of advice, the kind that you are an expert in.”
His eyebrows rose. “I’m not quite sure I understand you.”
“May I be honest with you, sir?”
“Of course, and please, call me David.”
“I’m trying to understand Anthony’s sexual needs.”
“Ah.”
“He says he doesn’t know what he likes, that his tastes have been formed for him and that he needs to experiment to find out his own desires.”
David nodded. “I can see how he might feel like that. Minshom tried to control him, and as far as I am aware, it wasn’t until quite recently that Anthony realized there were other ways to gain sexual release without subjecting himself to pain, humiliation and complete domination.”
“He wanted me to help him.”
“But you are afraid you won’t be able to provide what he needs?”
“I’m afraid to let him down, to prove unworthy of him.” And why hadn’t she said that to Anthony’s face instead of appearing to simply give up on him?
David studied her, his expression considering. “And how can I help you with this dilemma? Are you also afraid that he will hurt you or make you hurt him?”
“Yes.” Marguerite bowed her head. “He called me a coward, and he might just be right.”
“I don’t think you are a coward. You have a right to protect yourself and him.” He leaned forward, his large capable hands clasped together. “But if it helps, I don’t believe Anthony will miss the extremes Lord Minshom put him through.” He shivered. “I’ve met men who need to be dominated, and Anthony isn’t one of them. He wouldn’t inflict pain on you either; it’s just not in his nature.”
Marguerite nodded as relief shuddered through her. She already knew in her heart that Anthony would never harm her, but it didn’t hurt to have her thoughts confirmed.