“You’re the maid of honor and the best man.”
“I’m not making a toast.”
“He won’t have the energy. He barely had it in him to ask me to marry him in the first place.”
We walked down the hall.
“I wish you’d told me...asked me for something,” he said.
“You never pick up. I feel like I’m bothering you.”
He shrugged, and we turned into Jonathan’s room. It was lit only by the reading lamp over his bed. I felt Darren stiffen. Jonathan was halfway sitting, but bedridden and pale, connected to machines and IV bags of medicine and blood. The last time they’d seen each other, Jonathan was hale and Darren was threatening to send out wedding invitations if there was another breakup.
“Hi,” Darren said.
Jonathan held his hand up in greeting.
“You look like fucking hell, man.”
“Darren!” I cried.
“And I can still get a knockout wife.”
“Tough to be you.”
People came in behind me. I didn’t see them, I only saw Jonathan. I kissed his lips for the last time as his lover, and turned around. Irene and Gregory were at the foot of the bed, and in the chair I usually occupied, a short woman in horn-rimmed glasses and clerical collar. She was a few years older than me, and had a mop of curly hair held in place with a hip vintage clip. Darren stood behind her.
“Hi,” she said brightly.
“Hi,” Jonathan and I chanted. I straightened and stood on the opposite side of the bed from her, holding his hand. It was cold.
“My name is Sona, and let me tell you, this is not the kind of call I usually get when I do the hospital chaplaincy. I had to dig around for the right prayer book. But, happy occasions are worth the trouble. So, what do we have? Both Catholic, I hear?”
“Kind of,” I said.
“And I hear the groom has a big family? They aren’t here?”
“I’ll tell them tomorrow,” Jonathan said. My sigh of relief must have been audible, because he squeezed my hand.
“Sona,” I said, “Jonathan isn’t up for anything long and involved, if that’s okay. I don’t mean to be disrespectful.”
“Nope!” She smiled with big, white teeth. “You have rings?”
“Crap.” I didn’t. I glanced at Darren. He shrugged, holding his palms up.
“Can we make do with something?” she asked. “People do like the rings.”
“Yes!” I said. “I have it.” I rummaged through my bag and came up with my bunch of keys. Car. House. Front gate. Locker at work. I clicked through them.
“Clever goddess,” he said. “I owe your fingers some jewelry.”
My eyes hurt again, because the odds of him repaying that debt got smaller with each day. I focused on loosing as many keys as possible into the bottom of my bag.
“Let’s do some paperwork while Monica does that, okay?” Sona smiled again, extracting a little clipboard. She asked our full names, dates of birth, addresses, and had us sign on the dotted lines while I untwisted as many silver rings as I could. Darren showed his ID and cracked a joke about being licensed to witness weddings. By the time she was done, I’d released two smallish keyrings. I adjusted one for Jonathan’s hand, and found another for myself. I pressed it into his palm.
“Okay,” said Sona, standing, all enthusiasm and light, as if this wasn’t the most depressing situation, ever. “Groom goes first. You ready?”
“Yes,” he said, and pulled me toward him.
“Can you repeat after me?” she asked.
“I got this.” He was talking to Sona, but looking at me, big, tired, green eyes. Serious, committed. I hoped to God he lived even if it meant he lived to regret it.
“I, Jonathan Drazen, take you Monica Faulkner, to be my lawfully wedded wife.” He paused. I didn’t know if he was weak, or doubtful.
“You sure you want to do this?” I asked. “You can back out. I’ll still love you.”
“Shh,” he said. “Behave.” He smirked at me and took a deep breath. “Left hand, Goddess.”
I held it out for him and he continued as he slipped the keyring on my finger. “To have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health to love cherish honor and worship all the days of my life.”
“Excellent!” Sona said. “Monica? You want to do it the same? Or do you want to repeat after me?”
I didn’t want to repeat anything. I wanted to take my guts and spill them onto the sheets. I wanted to take my heart out and put it into his chest. If there was ever a time to hold anything back, it wasn’t then.
“Jonathan Drazen,” I said, squeezing his hand. “You’re a manipulative bastard, a brazen liar, and a sadist. You’ve brought me to my knees. You’ve dominated me. You’ve told me who I am and then challenged me to be it. If you made me strong enough to stand up to the world, let me stand by you. If you completed the woman I am, let me be that woman in your honor. Every part in my body is dedicated to you. Every note I sing. Every breath in my lungs. My pleasure and pain. Take me. Let me serve you. Let me be yours.”
He put my hand to his cheek. I was going to have to kiss him before I was told, though it seemed like it took Sona forever. When I looked from Jonathan to her, she was holding her phone.
“Sorry,” she said, pocketing it, her good mood gone. “Gotta go do a last rites.” She cleared her throat and held her hand up. "You have declared your consent before the Church. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with his blessings. What God has joined, let no one tear asunder. I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Irene and Gregory clapped a little, but I didn’t pay attention to how wan they sounded, because I was kissing my husband.
CHAPTER 28.
MONICA
Sona and the staff had cleared out. Darren hugged and congratulated me, fist-bumped Jonathan, promising him a wild night of beer-slinging and bar-hopping in Silver Lake. He kissed me on the cheek and left, promising he’d call.
Irene had warned me clearly, while ignoring Jonathan, that there was to be nothing going on behind the closed door that might bring a heart rate up. But, just in case I didn’t know, he was being monitored from the nurse’s station. So no quote, funny business, unquote.
We laughed when the door closed. I wanted to lie on top of him, press my thighs to his, and tuck my head into the crook of his neck, but that was impossible. I leaned over, sitting in the adjacent chair, and kissed his cheek.
“Do you regret it?” I said.
“I feel relieved.”
“I’m glad.”
“I wish I could give you a wedding night. Throw you over my shoulder, dress and all, and carry you over the threshold. We wouldn’t even make it up the stairs.”
I made a satisfied purr. “I can just imagine it. Who’s house?
“Our house.”
“Is there a porch?”
“More than one, and I’ll have you on all of them, regularly. Breakfast in the back. Lunch on the side, and after dinner, we’ll drink wine on the front porch and I’ll make love to you in the night air.”
“Can I still call you sir?”
“I expect no less.”
“Thank you, sir.” I kissed his hand, letting my lips linger on his skin.
“And here we are,” he said, “married, and we never even talked about children.”
“Can we pretend we had them?”
“Four,” he said with a slight smile.
“Don’t be greedy.”
“Three. Can we settle on three?”
I should have agreed to ten children, because there were going to be exactly none. There was going to be no house, no porches, no family.
“Can I admit something to you, my beautiful wife?”