Finn sighed, scrubbing a hand across his face. “She is pissed at me and pulling back into her shell. She thinks I betrayed her and that you’re going to kick her out because she’s twelve kinds of fucked up. She thinks she just lost her job and her home. She won’t show you her pain. She’ll bottle it up until she just has to pull a knife across her skin because the other thing that would work she cannot allow herself to do.”
Rage boiled in her veins. He’d neatly summed her up in a couple of quick sentences. “Fuck you, Finn.”
“Ah, there’s the anger, Nat,” Finn replied. “I’ll take it, sweetie. It’s better than nothing. I would let you beat on me, but that’s not what you need and you know it. Let Cal find you a Dom.”
“Again with the fuck you.” She couldn’t do it. Except she’d been thinking about it. Thinking about asking one of the attached Doms if he wouldn’t just scene with her. Maybe she could find one she could trust if she trusted his sub enough and if Cal was watching. She’d thought about asking Cal, but it seemed weird to ask her boss’s hubby to beat her ass for a while so maybe she could cry. She’d tossed the idea because it was stupid. She could handle it, and now that she would be alone, she wouldn’t even have to worry about getting caught.
“Natalie, I’m so sorry.” Cal looked back.
Sure he was. He was probably sorry he’d let her watch his kids. He should have known. The pink hair should have told him all he needed to know. Then there was the pierced tongue. “I’ll be gone tonight. Hey, I don’t have a car. Do you think someone can give me a ride into town?”
Cal started driving again, his foot on the accelerator. “No one will give you a ride into town, Natalie. Nor will you be allowed to be alone for the next little bit. I’ll call your therapist, and she can come down for a while.”
Fuck. The last thing she needed was to involve Janine in this shit. “Dude, I can’t afford to haul Janine away from her family.”
“Well, the good news is, I can,” Cal replied. “And you’ll be in the dungeon tonight where I can keep an eye on you. You think I’m kicking you out? I’m doing something worse, Natalie. I’m taking responsibility until such time as your therapist signs off on your being alone or you select a proper Dom. You can take a Dom tonight or Janine will be here in the morning. Everyone else has treated you with kid gloves. I can understand that, but right now what you need is a firm hand.”
She felt her eyes widen. “You asshole.”
Cal’s eyes met hers in the rearview mirror. “Not the worst I’ve been called.”
“You can’t keep me here.”
Finn’s jaw firmed to a stubborn line. “What do you think the sheriff will do if he knows you no longer have a high-priced lawyer, Nat? I think he’ll sell you to the DA as the only possible suspect and try to railroad you.”
He was right. The sheriff just wanted to close the case and get back to fishing. If hauling Nat to jail was his ticket to getting out of real police work, then she would be in an orange jumpsuit lickety-split. “You little fucker.”
Finn flushed. “Yeah, well, if it keeps you alive, then I’ll let you hate me.” His eyes slid back to Cal. “We discovered her penchant for cutting when she went a little too deep and nearly bled out.”
Fucking goddamn, motherfucking, traitor son of a bitch. Why did he have to go there? Gretchen had been the only person at the time who had known, and she’d been Nat’s friend, not giving up the secret. Gretchen had helped make sure the cuts didn’t get infected. Gretchen had understood. But Kitten had walked in that night. It hadn’t been so bad. Everyone overreacted.
She hadn’t stared at her own blood as it drained into the bathtub wondering when she could float again. She hadn’t hoped that she wouldn’t wake up. She hadn’t. That had been just another nightmare.
“Nat, I love you. I would do almost anything for you. I won’t watch you die because of what that fucker did to you. He’s still in your head. He’s still holding you back. And you’re letting him win.” Finn sighed. “Let’s get back to the resort. I’ll call Dani. She’ll understand. Nat doesn’t have to go to the dungeon. I’ll stay with her.”
Cal turned toward the residential section, and Nat wondered how long Hawk would be with her. He’d taken her dignity, raped her body, and left her with scars that never healed because she opened them up again and again.
She hadn’t had sex in years. She hadn’t played. She’d loved to play. Submission had been her outlet, her relaxation. He’d taken it from her.
What if she could take it back?
Cal parked the car. He got out and, like the gentleman he was, opened the door for her. His hand moved to help her out, but he immediately pulled it back.
She wouldn’t even let a man help her out of a car.
“Please.” A simple word, but she had to force it past her throat. Hawk had made her beg, plead. The simplest of polite language felt like ashes in her mouth.
But Cal smiled and a spark hit her. She’d pleased him. It was still there, deep down inside, that nature of hers. It was buried under a mile of abuse and crap, but it was there. It was hers. His hand came out, the briefest of touches to help her safely to the ground, and then he let her go. He didn’t paw her, didn’t force her to his side.
“Thank you.” That was easier.
Finn stood to the side, obviously waiting for her to bash him. It still stung, but she could understand why he’d told Cal. She’d killed to save a friend, to save herself. What if he really did care about her? She might not deserve it, but she wasn’t stupid enough to push it away. And he couldn’t miss his kid’s birth because she was a fucked-up weirdo. “I’ll be fine, Finn. I’ll do what Cal asks me. And you’re right. I was thinking about it. I was planning it out. I was going to go to the kitchens and palm a knife. Julian made me get lasered so I wouldn’t have the excuse of shaving. And Finn took all the knives when I moved here.”
“Because I love you.” Finn had obviously gone past his anger, and now she could see plainly that he was afraid to approach her. He’d gambled. He’d placed her safety above their friendship.
Friendship was an act of bravery. Janine had told her that once. It was seemingly simple, but required an open heart, and that was so much harder than it sounded. It would be easier to tell him to fuck off and hide again, but she wouldn’t have done that before. She would never be the Natalie she’d been before Hawk, but she finally understood what Janine had been telling her for years. Getting back her power would take a conscious act of will. It wasn’t something that would just happen. She had to take it back. She had to decide who she wanted to be.
She walked up to Finn and awkwardly put her arms around him. She hadn’t been that close to another human being in years, and it felt weird, but kind of nice. “Thanks for the save today, buddy.”
He held her, softly at first, and then tight, a nice bear hug. “You bet, Nat. Kitten’s coming down with the Dawson brothers.”
She took a deep breath and let go. “Good. I would love to see her. Kitten is pretty and sweet. Kitten will like to go to breakfast with this one.” She grinned a little. Kitten was so subby, she referred to herself in the third person.
Finn smiled back. “You’re in for a surprise, Nat.”
She hoped so. “Now go back to Dallas and get all daddyfied. That sounds kinkier than it should.”
“Are you sure? I could stay and we can watch movies and just get through the night.”
It was a sweet offer, but one she could no longer accept. “Nope. I’m going to try a little spanking tonight. Not from you, Cal. It would be weird. I’ll pick a Dom.”
Cal’s massive shoulders slumped in relief. “Thank god. It would be like spanking my daughter, and I don’t do that. I would rather give you a time-out.”