“Are you okay?” he asked her worriedly one night. They were at her old apartment, and she had said she was too tired to even eat. She had had a beer for dinner and nothing else, and she seldom drank.
“I'm exhausted,” she said honestly, laying her head on his lap. He had been watching the baseball game on TV while she packed her books. They were moving in three days, and there was a heat wave in the city, which her air conditioner couldn't make a dent in. She was hot and tired and felt filthy after packing for several hours. “I feel like I'm caretaker to half the world. I don't even know where to stop. My father can hardly tie his shoelaces, and he does less and less every day. He refuses to go back to work. Candy looks like she just got out of Auschwitz, and Annie is going to kill herself slashing her wrists while she tries to slice the bread and won't let anybody help. And nobody is doing anything to make this move happen except me.” He could see that she was near tears and completely overwhelmed.
“It'll get better once Annie goes to school.” He tried to sound encouraging, but he had noticed everything she had said. It was incredibly upsetting being around her family these days, and it worried him too, mostly for her. She was carrying all the weight, and it was way too much for her, or any one person. He felt helpless as he watched, and did all he could to help her.
“Maybe. If she sticks with it, and is willing to learn,” Sabrina said with a sigh. “Annie wants to do everything herself, and some things she just can't. And the minute she can't, she gets crazy and starts throwing things, usually at me. I feel like we all need a good shrink.”
“Maybe that's not a bad idea. What are you doing about Candy?” It was always about what she was doing, as though they were all her children and it all rested on her. She had renewed respect for her mother now, for raising four children, and taking care of her husband as though he were her fifth child. She wondered how she did it. But she had done nothing else while they grew up. Sabrina was working at her law firm, trying to move into the new house, run back and forth from Connecticut to the city, and keep everybody's spirits up, except her own.
“I'm not doing anything about Candy. She used to see someone for her eating disorder when she was younger. And she's been better for a while, not great but better. Now it's completely out of hand again. I'll bet you anything she's lost five pounds, maybe ten, since Mom died. But she's an adult. She's twenty-one. I can't force her to go to a doctor if she doesn't want to. And when I mention it, she goes nuts. The danger is that she'll wind up sterile, lose her teeth or hair, or worse, develop a heart problem, or die. Anorexia is nothing to screw around with. But she won't listen to me. She says she doesn't want kids, she gets hair extensions so her hair looks great anyway, and so far her health doesn't seem to be affected. But one of these days it's all going to take its toll, and she'll wind up in the hospital with an IV in her arm or worse. Mom used to handle it better than I did, but she had more clout. No one listens to me, they just want me to solve the problems and get off their backs. I don't know how I got stuck with this, but it's a really shit job.” They both knew how she had gotten stuck with it. Her mother had died. And Sabrina was next in line, as oldest child. And she had a personality that let her take on everyone else's problems and try to solve them, no matter what it did to her life. She did it at work too. And no matter what Chris said, or how often he urged her to take it easy, she always did just one more thing, for someone else. And the person who always got short shrift and didn't get her needs met was her, and now him as well. They had hardly had five minutes of peace alone in the last three and a half weeks since the accident. He kept her father entertained and cooked for the entire family every weekend, and she did everything else. They were suddenly like the parents of a large family, taking care of their many children, except that all of them, for one reason or another, were dysfunctional adults. She felt as though her family and her life were falling apart. But at least Chris was still around. Tammy had warned her that he wouldn't be, if Sabrina didn't take it easy and slow down. It was easy for her to say, living in California, three thousand miles away, while Sabrina was running the show, and picking up pieces everywhere. She felt as though their once-orderly life was in tiny shards all around her. She lay on the couch and cried.
“Come on,” Chris said to her then. “I'm putting you to bed. You're wiped out. You can finish packing tomorrow.”
“I can't. The movers are coming to take the stuff to storage, and I have to be back at my dad's tomorrow night.”
“Then I'll do it. That's it. Bedtime. No discussion,” he said, taking her by the hand, pulling her off the couch, and leading her into the bedroom. He undressed her as she smiled at him. He was truly the best man in the world. She was feeling a little giddy from the beer on an empty stomach.
“I love you,” she said, climbing into bed in her thong and nothing else. Candy had given it to her as a gift. She never bought herself things like that. And Chris loved it.
“I love you too. And I love that too,” he said, touching the black lace thong. “As soon as you move, I'm taking you away for the weekend. We're turning into a couple of old farts. Your sisters are just going to have to manage without us for two days.” She knew that she needed to spend time with him too. It was only fair. They hadn't had a minute alone since her mother died, and by the time she fell into bed at night, she was too tired to even think about making love, and too sad. She was still in deep mourning for her mother, and so was everyone else. Chris understood that, but he missed the life they had led before it happened. He knew things would get better eventually, but it was hard to say when, particularly given the magnitude of Annie's problem.
And he wasn't at all sure what it would be like staying with Sabrina once she and two of her sisters were living together. It had the possibility of turning into some real high drama and chaos, or like sleeping in the dorm of a sorority. He wanted time alone with her and was afraid that he might not get any for the next year. It was a scary thought, but he didn't want to upset her by voicing his own fears or complaining. She had enough on her plate as it was, and he didn't want to add to it. But like Sabrina, he was getting short shrift too.
He lay down next to her on the bed, stroked her hair, and rubbed her back, and within five minutes she was sound asleep, as he lay next to her, wondering if they'd ever get married. Having the full responsibility of her entire family now wasn't likely to help his cause. He was going to give her a few months to calm down, and then talk to her about it. He wanted to get married and have a family. And one of these days he wanted her to bite the bullet and take the leap. He didn't want her to miss out on having kids because she was scared and had seen too many bad divorces and bitter custody battles through her work. That was no excuse to shortchange them. Not anymore, after three years together. In normal times, they had a wonderful relationship, and Chris wanted more. His worst fear was that normal would never come their way again, and her sisters would become her life.