“What happened last night?” he repeats the same question he asked me when he found me last night, bleeding and naked.
I think for a moment before I respond. “Your father told me he thought I would be a good mother for another son. Or daughter,” I almost choke on the words, they’re so bitter. “I tried to say otherwise and he got mad. Plus, he’s suddenly realized that I remind him of his dead girlfriend.”
Jase pales. He doesn’t say anything for a little while.
“You look a lot like her,” he says finally. “It’s almost frightening. The eyes are different, but your hair, your face,” his eyes slide down to my chest and quickly back to my eyes. “It’s uncanny.”
“What happened to her?” I ask softly. I know she died, and I know what Dornan said about beheading her, but I don’t really know what happened. Why she and my father weren’t able to make their escape with us.
Why it all went so horribly wrong.
“She tried to leave him,” he says. “I think he would have let her go, if she’d just disappeared, but…“
“But what?” I press.
“But she tried to take me with her,” he says finally. “It’s my fault she died. It’s my fault they all died.” He looks defeated as he ends that sentence, his eyes tired and turned down at the edges, his teeth grinding on each other as he flexes his jaw.
“I’m sure it wasn’t,” I say. “It just seems that way to you because you were the one left behind to deal with it all.”
He shrugs. “Everyone I love, dies. So I live alone, and I keep to myself, mostly.”
Such a jaded way to be. “That’s so sad,” I say softly. “What about your father, though? Your brothers? They’re family, too.”
If looks could kill, I’d be diced into little pieces right now under Jase’s scathing gaze. “You mean, my father who stabbed you because you look like a dead woman? Or my brothers, who are animals?”
“Sorry,” I say.
“You don’t know anything about this family,” he says passionately, shaking his head. “You should’ve just stayed the hell away from all of us.”
“Well, it’s too late now,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “I may as well enjoy the ride.”
Jase just shakes his head, my pun clearly lost on him. I care so much, I want to fling myself open and tell him every dirty little secret my soul is keeping trapped behind a wall of fiery lies and deceit.
But I can’t. Not because I don’t trust him, because it’s clear to me now that he’s a reluctant prisoner in this family, even more than I am.
I can’t tell him because I can’t bear for him to know what I’ve done. I can’t bear to see the disgust on his face when he knows that the girl fucking his father and picking off his brothers one by one is the same girl sitting in front of him.
But more than those reasons, I can’t bear to tell him because I know what he will do. He will want to run away. He’s a lover, not a fighter, and he doesn’t have it in him to kill them all. He might hate them but he’s not a murderer.
I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.
And then, of course, there’s that tiny seed of doubt that lurks in the darkest corner of my mind. The possibility that he won’t understand.
The possibility that, once he finds out how I’ve deceived him and killed his brother, he’ll side with Dornan.
Nothing is more terrifying than that thought.
“Can I ask you a question now?” I ask, my heart beating faster at the thought.
Jase shrugs. “Sure. Doesn’t mean I’ll answer, though.”
I take a deep breath, my heart buzzing nervously in my ears. I can fuck Dornan’s brains out and feel nothing, yet whenever I’m around Jase, it’s like fireworks every single time.
“Why did you kiss me?” I ask boldly.
Jase laughs mirthlessly, cocking his head to one side as he considers my question.
“Why do most people kiss other people?” he asks.
I shake my head, a small smile playing on my lips. “That’s not fair,” I say, wriggling to the edge of the bed so that I am facing him squarely, our feet almost touching. “You can’t answer a question with a question.”
He shrugs, an amused smile dancing on his gorgeous lips. I can’t help it. I reach my hand out and cup his chin, brushing my thumb against his bottom lip. He stares at me, his expression unreadable, and I can’t help but feel like we’re falling into an abyss that neither of us will make it back out of. Not intact, anyway. I might have a new face but I still have the same heart. He might have lost me once but I’m still his, and he is still mine.
I lean closer, our noses almost touching. He mirrors my action, putting a hand on my cheek.
He shakes his head minutely. “What are you doing to me?” he breathes, his eyes never leaving mine.
I’m loving you, I think. But I can’t say that, so I show him instead. I close the small distance between us, pressing my lips to his. He groans softly, a sort of primal noise that begins in the back of his throat and makes my tongue quiver as it finds his. His other hand goes to my waist, to the place where I am scarred underneath all that pretty colored ink, and I shudder involuntarily. He moves the hand on my face to the back of my neck, pulling me closer, kissing me deeper. I feel like I am falling forever, but it is a good fall. It feels amazing.
It feels like I was born to love this man.
And yet, as I kiss him, as I love him, my heart drops. I freeze.
I shouldn’t be doing this.
For his sake, I can’t do this. If I let him kiss me like that it’s going to rip both of us apart, and we’re already both broken enough inside.
Jase feels me freeze and pulls back, panting slightly, frowning. “What’s wrong?” he asks softly.
I swallow thickly, angry and sad that our fleeting moment is gone.
What’s wrong? The battle within me is being fought like a bitter war, making my mind spin with possibilities. I’ve only just begun and I just want to be done already. An image of Dornan and his remaining sons burning a painful, fiery death as Jase and I watch on briefly flashes through my mind.
If only it were that easy.
“Everything,” I say, bursting into tears. I’m so, so tired, my body is still in some kind of shock and just to make a bitch feel even worse, I think it’s almost that time of the month. I’m a seesaw of emotions.
Jase’s expression turns from confused to worried, and he moves from the chair to sit next to me on the bed in one quick motion, never breaking our gaze.
He opens his mouth as if to say something, then thinks better of it. I’m so tired of lying; so sick of being strong.
My resolve falters as he guides my head to his chest. I lay it there willingly, clinging to him, because if I let go, I’m afraid of what might happen next.
Twelve
Jase’s cell phone rings, breaking the silence. Reluctantly, he peels himself away from me and goes into the other room to answer it.
When he returns a few moments later, he isn’t pleased.
“Dornan’s on his way to get you,” he says, his words devoid of passion.
Did we really just kiss? Again? I can’t believe it. I can’t.
I look at the ground, swallowing sharply.
Don’t fucking cry, you can do this.
You have to do this for your family. For yourself.
Jase notices the look on my face and holds his hands out in question. “I don’t know what you want me to do,” he says, frustration written all over his beautiful face.
“I’m such an idiot,” I say honestly, as my eyes fill with tears. Jase’s face falls and he looks like he’s about to reach out and touch me, but instead he turns and stalks out of the room.