‘For fuck’s sake,’ I say and get out of bed. Take my trainers from under it.
They can’t hear me. They are oblivious, blackout drunk. I put my coat over my pyjamas and sigh a lot. I open the door; the light from the corridor spills in and Aaron spits on his right hand.
The stoners seem like they’re being sucked into the couch as they watch MMA on TV. I check my phone, hope that by the time the show ends, the lads will be done in the dorm. That it won’t be a drunken hump, desensitized sex that goes on all night.
Lawrence’s eyes are unfocused. ‘What you doing down here this late on a school night?’
‘I think the two lads from the fuck-bus are having a moment,’ I say.
‘What kind of moment?’ Lawrence asks.
‘An argument or something.’ I suddenly feel protective. ‘Could I have a drag of a joint?’
Lawrence slowly registers what I’ve said. A quarter-smile comes on his lips, his mouth is raised one side. He nods. ‘Of course, my friend.’
On the gable wall in the smoking area, a stencil mural of a Maori Tiki has its head sideways and its tongue stuck out. Lawrence sparks up a joint and passes it. I take a drag and hold it in; the smoke pricks my lungs. I cough on exhaling.
I take another deep drag.
In the common room, the bloodied fighters on TV strike each other on the ground of the ring, one choke-holds the other and I feel an overwhelming paranoia that everybody is looking at me or talking about me, the way I talk about myself, like Lawrence said.
Fatfuckingbitch, stupidcunt, outofcontrol, uglymonsterfat, nobodylikesyou, beachedwhale, stupidfuck, nobodyfuckinglikesyou, don’tevenlikeyourself.
‘It’s as if I’m not even real. I’m not even here,’ I say.
Lawrence eventually replies, ‘Why?’
‘I could be anywhere. New Zealand. Home. Nowhere.’
‘Nowhere’s good.’
‘I think and feel the same way and do the same thing in a different place. I’m the same person in a different place. Same hamster wheel. Rut. Going nowhere.’
‘Everywhere you go, there you are, isn’t that the phrase?’
‘God, I wish this would fade,’ I say to Lawrence. The words take an eternity to come out and to be in the air. ‘I don’t feel well.’
‘Your pain?’
I inspect him, not sure if I heard right. Or if he even said it.
‘Your pain?’ I try as a response.
‘I’ve never been better,’ he says and lies back. ‘Who needs the Olympics anyway?’
The shapes move on the TV and I struggle to follow what is going on; my sound and vision aren’t in synch with each other or with my meaning-making capacities. Everything is disjointed.
The high finally passes and I go back to the dorm when the Tongan kicks us out.
Thankfully, the two boys are asleep, cuddling each other. They look peaceful.
I’m wrecked when my alarm goes off. I open and shut drawers and rustle bags as I get ready for work. I’d make more noise if Darina wasn’t there.
Jake’s eyes open; he snuggles closer into Aaron then looks around. I give him a knowing stare. Panic crosses his face. He jumps out of bed, naked, climbs up to his top bunk shakily and seems even more embarrassed as he covers himself with his blanket.
‘It’s not what it—’ he starts.
‘I’m too tired to care.’
I leave for work with dark circles under my eyes.
My stomach grumbles in the canteen and I fill a mug with steaming black coffee. Kelly leans against the counter beside me, her orchid perfume heavy. She asks if I enjoyed the time in the bar.
I smile as pleasantly as I can.
‘Sol wondered where you got to? He asked me to get your details.’ She flips her iPhone out.
‘No,’ I say.
‘He’s a good friend of mine.’ She keeps her phone out, ready to take my number.
I blink a few times.
Her eyes narrow. ‘Do you not want to meet someone? He’s actually keen on you.’
I take a deep breath. ‘I said no, Kelly.’
‘Did you not have fun with us?’
The contours of her face are made by darker make-up, a line at the cheekbones, at the sides of her nose, the top of her forehead and bottom of her chin. It looks muddy.
‘Isn’t it funny we ended up hanging out together when you didn’t even ask me to your party,’ I say.
Kelly places her hand on her hip. ‘Excuse me?’
‘You invited everyone from the office except me.’
‘I didn’t invite anyone.’
‘I heard you, Kelly. I heard you invite them.’
‘Don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you giving me your number or not? I thought you were single?’
‘I am.’
‘You’re playing hard to get?’
I touch my temple. ‘I’m not playing at all.’
‘You’d prefer to be a cat lady?’
‘A cat lady?’
She purses her pink lips. ‘Don’t you understand, Natalie? Time’s running out for people like us.’
‘I don’t want Sol to have my number,’ I say and slam the mug down on the counter, much harder than I meant to, so coffee spills over the rim. ‘And being single isn’t a terminal illness, Kelly. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s somewhere I’ve to be.’
I rush past her, unsure of where that edge came from.
I don’t have anywhere to be but I can’t hang around for lunch now. I march to the hostel and practise my Queen Bitch on the walk back, ready to tackle the two boys in my room over their behaviour, rehearsing some things I might say about respecting other people’s space.
I charge into the room all ablaze and stop immediately. Aaron is packing his things into a monochrome suitcase and seems morose. He’s the only person in the room.
‘Where’s Jake?’ I ask.
‘He left.’ The sharp triangle of his Adam’s apple rises and lowers.
‘On the tour bus?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know. He’s gone though.’
‘Darina?’
‘Showering.’
I can feel his sadness. ‘You okay?’
Aaron audibly breathes in through his nose. ‘I’m alright, yeah.’
‘Can I hug you?’
‘Please do, Natalie.’
He opens his arms. His T-shirt has a hint of fabric softener. His chest trembles as he holds onto me.
‘You two kept me up and I’m annoyed about that. But I’m sorry this happened to you. He might come back. He might not. You’ll be okay.’
Aaron sucks a breath and rolls his shoulders. ‘I didn’t want to. I mean, I did, of course I did, but not like that. I knew this would happen. Bloody straight guys.’
‘They’re not all bad,’ I say.
He stares at me; his eyes are a teal colour with brown specks. He swallows rapidly. ‘Nat, sometimes I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be this. I hate being me. Is there anything worse? To deny yourself?’
I fill a glass of water under the tap in the kitchen and sit beside Darina on the long bench. She smells of talcum powder and drinks Corona from the bottle.
‘I know it’s early but I can’t help it. Woke with the shakes.’
I take a sip of water.
‘Do you want one?’ She raises the bottle at me.
‘No.’
‘Why are you back so early? Half-day?’
‘No. Remember that girl, Kelly, whose birthday it was the last day? She was in your bar with the two guys.’
‘Yes, the super stylish one you kissed.’
‘I kind of had an argument with her so came home for lunch. Bit afraid to be around her now.’
‘Why?’
‘In case she comes at me again.’
‘No, why did you fight?’
‘Because she invited everyone in the office to her party except me. But now she’s denying that. I heard her ask them to join. Ironically, I was the only one who was at it.’