Behind him Howard can sense Trudy holding her breath; it dawns on him that the Automator’s esoteric remarks regarding the teaching of History earlier were blandishments, or possibly threats, intended to win Howard’s backing in some upcoming, non-hypothetical clash. ‘I’d be in favour of it,’ he returns, in a strained voice.
‘Thought you would,’ says the Automator with satisfaction, replacing the photograph. ‘Said to myself, Howard’s part of the new generation. He wants what’s best for the school. That’s the attitude I like to see in my staff, my fellow staff I mean.’ He swivels round in his chair, addressing the mournful picture of the Old Man. ‘Yes, it’ll be a sad day when the Holy Paraclete Fathers hand over the reins. At the same time, it’s not totally impossible there could be benefits. Country’s not what it used to be, Howard. We’re not just some little Third World backwater any more. These kids coming through now have the confidence to get up there on the world stage and duke it out with the best of them. Our role is to give them the best possible training to do that. And we must ask ourselves, is a clergyman in his sixties or seventies absolutely the right man for that job?’ Emerging from behind the desk and manoeuvring round his wife as if she were another of the cardboard boxes, he begins to pace militaristically about the room, so that Howard has to jog his chair round to face him. ‘Don’t get me wrong. The Paraclete Fathers are extraordinary men, great educators. But they’re spiritual men, first and foremost. Their minds are on loftier matters than the here and now. In a competitive market economy – to be perfectly frank, Howard, you’ve got to wonder whether some of our older priests are even aware what that is. And that puts us in a dangerous position, because we’re competing with Blackrock, Gonzaga, King’s Hospital, any number of top secondary schools. We’ve got to have a strategy. We’ve got to be ready to move with the times. Change is not a dirty word. Neither for that matter is profit. Profit is what enables change, positive change that helps everyone, such as for example demolishing the 1865 building and constructing an entirely new twenty-first-century wing in its place.’
‘The Costigan wing!’ pipes up Trudy.
‘Yes, well –’ the Automator tugs his ear ‘– I don’t know what it would be called. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. My point is, we’ve got to start playing to our strengths, and there’s one strength we have that’s stronger than every other school. Know what that is?’
‘Um…’
‘Exactly, Howard. History. This is the oldest Catholic boys’ school in the country. That gives the name of Seabrook College a certain resonance. Seabrook means something. It stands for a particular set of values, values like heart and discipline. A marketing man might say that what we have here is a product with a strong brand identity.’ He leans against the denuded bookcase, wags his finger at Howard pedagogically. ‘Brands, Howard. Brands rule the world today. People like them. They trust them. And yet, branding is something that this administration has neglected. I’ll give you an example. This year is the school’s 140th anniversary. Perfect opportunity to raise a hooha, get people’s attention. Instead it’s barely been registered.’
‘Maybe they’re waiting for the 150th,’ Howard says.
‘What?’
‘I mean, maybe they want to wait till the 150th anniversary to raise a hoo-ha. You know, as most people would regard it as a bigger deal.’
‘The 150th’s ten years away, Howard. Can’t afford to sit around ten years, not in this game. Anyway, 140 years is just as big a deal as 150. Numerical difference, that’s all. Point is, this is a significant opportunity for brand reinforcement and we’ve almost missed the boat on it. Almost but not completely. We still have the Christmas concert. What I’m thinking is, this year we turn it into a special 140th-anniversary spectacular. Make a real fuss over it. Media coverage, maybe even a live broadcast.’
‘Sounds great,’ Howard agrees dutifully.
‘Doesn’t it? And what I want to do is include some kind of historical overview of the school. Put it in the programme notes, even incorporate it into the show somehow. “140 Years of Triumph”, “Victory through the Ages”, something like that. With, you know, amusing anecdotes from yesteryear, first use of an electric light switch, so forth. People like that sort of thing, Howard, gives them a feeling of oneness with the past.’
‘Sounds great,’ Howard repeats.
‘Great! So you’ll do it?’
‘What? Me?’
‘Outstanding – Trudy, make a note that Howard’s agreed to be our “brand historian” for the concert.’ Restoring himself to his position at the desk, the Automator straightens a sheaf of papers summatively. ‘Well, thanks for stopping by, Howard, I – oh,’ as Trudy leans in and whisperingly points to something on her clipboard. ‘One other thing, Howard. You have a Juster in your second-year class, a Daniel Juster?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Wanted to sound you out about him. He was involved in an incident today in Father Green’s French class, an incident of vomiting.’
‘I heard something about that.’
‘Who is this kid, Howard? Priest asks him a question, he vomits all over the place?’
‘He’s – well, he’s…’ Howard deliberates, summoning Juster’s from an image of thirty bored faces.
‘Apparently he likes to call himself “Slippy”. What’s that about? He a slippery customer, that it?’
‘Actually I think it’s “Skippy”.’
‘ “Skippy”!’ the Automator says derisively. ‘Well, that makes even less sense!’
‘I believe it comes from the, uh, television kangaroo?’
‘Kangaroo?’ the Automator repeats.
‘Yes, you see the boy, ah, Juster, has these buck teeth, and when he speaks he sometimes makes a noise which some of the boys find similar to the noise the kangaroo makes. When it’s talking to humans.’
The Automator is looking at him like he’s speaking in tongues. ‘Okay, Howard. Let’s leave the kangaroos for the minute. What’s his story? Ever had any trouble with him?’
‘No, generally he’s an excellent student. Why? You don’t think he got sick deliberately?’
‘Don’t think anything, Howard. Just want to make sure we’ve got the angles covered. Juster’s rooming with Ruprecht Van Doren. I don’t need to tell you he’s one of our top students. Single-handedly raises the grade average for the year by about six per cent. We don’t want anything happening to him, mixing with the wrong element, what have you.’
‘I don’t think you have anything to worry about as far as Juster’s concerned. Maybe he’s a bit of a dreamer, but…’
‘Dreaming’s not something we encourage here either, Howard. Reality, that’s what we’re all about. Reality; objective, empirical truths. That’s what’s on the exam papers. You go into an exam hall, they don’t want to know what crazy mess of nonsense you dreamed last night. They want hard facts.’
‘I meant,’ Howard struggles, ‘I don’t think he’s any kind of a subversive. If that’s what you’re worried about.’