“The first thing we must do,” Hester said, “is face the issue squarely.”
“All right,” Lester said. “I’m facing it.”
“I am, too,” said Junior, “and I wish I weren’t.”
“In that case, what must be done is surely apparent. Senorita Fogarty must be eliminated.”
“Eliminated?” Lester said. “You mean murdered?”
“If you care to call it that. I must say, however, that murder seems like a petty high-toned word to be applied to the elimination of a dog.”
“That may be,” Junior said, “but I’m pretty sure, whatever you call it, that it’s illegal. What is the name for dog murder? Caninicide or something?”
“And what is the penalty?” Lester said. “I’m more interested in that than anything else.”
“I’m not sure of the exact law on the matter,” Hester said, “but it is surely no more than a misdemeanor at most.”
“I’m not interested in what it is,” Lester said. “I’m interested, as I made quite plain, in what the penalty is.”
“The penalty would be negligible, I’m sure. Possibly a fine and up to a year in jail.”
“Well,” Junior said, “I don’t object too much to a fine, if it is reasonable, but I am against a year in jail. Definitely if I am the one who has to serve it.”
“So am I,” Lester said. “I kept my hands off Grandfather all the time he was alive, and I don’t intend to jeopardize myself now for a dog.”
“Furthermore,” said Junior, “I’m not at all convinced that a misdemeanor is what it would be. We must remember, too, something about a criminal not being allowed to profit from his crime. I, for one, am reluctant to have my share of Grandfather’s loot divided among those who risked nothing and merely sat around and waited for me to do their dirty work for them.”
“Well, if this isn’t the most abject defeatism I’ve ever encountered.” Hester divided a scornful look equally between the two defeatists. “I suggest doing a simple thing, and you immediately begin thinking of a dozen reasons why it can’t be done. What makes you assume that you’re going to be caught? Haven’t you any confidence in yourselves whatever? The object is to do it without being caught.”
“That’s different,” Lester said. “I’m for it if you can assure me that we won’t be caught.”
“And I,” said Junior, “am at least willing to discuss it a little further.”
“Very well, then,” Hester said. “We are agreed that Senorita Fogarty must be eliminated. The next thing to consider is the method. I’ve been thinking about it, and I have an idea, but I am open to suggestions of something better.”
“There is no need to think of something better if you have already thought of something good enough,” Lester said. “What is it?”
“The most important thing,” said Hester, “is to keep it simple. There is almost universal agreement on this among murderers. It minimizes the danger of slipping up on details and such. Therefore, it seems to me that the very best and safest way to eliminate Senorita Fogarty would be to take her out in the traffic and get her run over. It shouldn’t be at all difficult to arrange, and it would have the advantage of appearing to be an accident, and unfortunate consequences could be avoided.”
“Wait a minute,” Junior said. “It might be easy to get Senorita Fogarty run over in the traffic, but it wouldn’t be so easy to get her in the traffic in the first place. What I would like to know, if you don’t mind telling me, is who is going to get her away from old Crump and his wife?”
“Damn it, Junior, must you begin finding fault even before you know what something is all about? I have a perfectly good suggestion to offer if you will only give me time.”
“Go right ahead and offer it. Take all the time your need.”
“Thank you very much. I suggest that Lester is the perfect person to carry out the plan. He is notorious for his ability to charm women when he sets his mind to it, and he is so handsome that he can resort to outright seduction if necessary.”
“Well, with all due concessions to Lester, I am somewhat skeptical about his ability to charm Mrs. Crump, and I am positive that he can’t seduce her.”
“For my part,” said Lester, “ability aside, I have no enthusiasm for the first alternative, and a positive feeling of revulsion for the second. After all, there is a limit to the sacrifices a man can make. For a million and a half dollars, I might undertake to charm Mrs. Crump, but there isn’t money enough in all the mints combined to make me do more.”
“Charm will probably be enough,” Hester said. “I am predicting that Mrs. Crump is as susceptible as any other woman, however unlikely it seems. Lester, all you have to do is hang about Grandfather’s house and be lovable. In practically no time, I’m sure, you will be able to prevail upon Mrs. Crump to let you take Senorita Fogarty for a walk on her leash. After that, it should be no problem to push her under a handy car.”
“What about Mr. Crump? Won’t I have to prevail upon him, too?”
“Don’t be absurd. Mr. Crump will have nothing to say about it. As a matter of fact, after you have worked on Mrs. Crump for a while, she will be thinking seriously about pushing him under a car.”
“All right. I agree to try it if you think it will work. I have nothing to lose but my pride, and that must be secondary for the present to my bank account.”
5
Having culled the dreadful document without significant change to the meat of Brewster’s extractions, Flo had arrived at her apartment, dropped off by Uncle Homer and Aunt Madge, and was in the living room when Lester arrived later. Like Hester, she had abandoned her mournings at the earliest possible moment, and she was in the meticulous process of restoring to her finger and toe nails the scarlet enamel that she had removed in deference to the solemnity of Grandfather’s last rites. She was already beginning to feel somewhat more cheerful, buoyed by the gay color and her almost invincible conviction that everything was certain to come out well in the end, no matter how bad it might seem in the beginning.
“Hello, Lester, darling,” she said. “Have you been at Hester’s all this time?”
“Yes.” Lester sprawled in a chair and elevated his feet to a handy ottoman. “Junior was there with us.”
“Was Junior still there when you left?”
“No. He wanted to stay, but Hester threw him out. I dropped him at his place.”
“I’m relieved to hear it. Junior is a dear boy, but I don’t believe he is altogether reliable where Hester is concerned. He has a naughty mind.”
“Oh, well, Hester has a rather naughty mind herself, so far as that goes, but not where Junior is concerned. Anyhow, you needn’t worry about Hester. You had much better be worrying about me.”
“Darling, are you referring to those foolish little gambling debts? If so, you really have nothing to be concerned about. I talked with Willis Brewster about them, and he assured me that they are not legal obligations. Isn’t that nice? You don’t have to pay them at all.”
“Mother, you can’t imagine how happy you’ve made me. Grandfather had the same opinion, and I’ll tell him he was right just as soon as I see him.”
“Are you drunk, darling? Grandfather is dead.”
“That’s what I mean. But never mind that, Mother. Did you and Uncle Homer find anything in the will that Brewster had failed to extract?”
“Nothing that changed anything. Homer was simply wild, poor dear. It was such a dreadful disappointment after deliberately reading all those pages. We were both convinced after finishing, however, that Father was secretly crazy. There is simply no other tenable conclusion.”