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“I’m coming, too,” Ophelia said, leaving her dad’s side for mine. Of course Rowan wanted to go, too.”

I took Phi’s hand, not caring that they tagged along. Paxton was the one that stopped them.

“Rowan, you’re going right to the front step and sweeping up that mess you made. You were supposed to do that before I got home, remember?”

“Phi has to do it. We traded. I cleaned up all her pine needles from the cabana bed, and she said she would clean up the chalk I smashed. She did, didn’t she, Mom?” Rowan explained, serious expression on me, begging for help.

“Yes, Phi made that deal with you.”

“Then I can go.”

“Why don’t you stay here with your dad? You guys can go make the Jell-O if you want,” I offered while reminding her of her request for red Jell-O.

“I want to come,” she countered.

Paxton stood, tossing both of them over his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go clean up the smashed chalk and make red Jell-O.”

Vander and I walked to Paxton’s workshop to get the key for the cottage, talking about snow. He wanted to know how we could have Christmas without it.

“Look on the bright side. You get to go outside and play with all your outdoor toys. When it’s cold and snowy out, you have to wait until spring. By then all your toys are either broke or you’re bored with them,” I explained while I slid open the door.

I never even thought about her car being in there. I mean I knew Paxton brought it there, I just didn’t think about it being his mommy’s or how he would react.

Vander ran to the old car before I could stop him. “My mommy’s here. She came.”

“Oh, baby. No, she’s not here. We brought her car here for when she comes back. We just came in here to get the keys.”

“Oh.”

“I’m never going to stop looking for your mommy, Vander. I promise.”

Vander didn’t really respond. His excitement depleted before it ever got started. I wished I could give him that. I would have done anything to get his mommy back.

“Come on, buddy. Let’s go see what she got you.”

Vander cheered up a little when I let him unlock the door. We stepped in and his eyes saw it right away.

“Hey, this is the one I wanted! She got it! This is the one, Aunt, Gabby,” he said, excitement definitely taking over the gloom. Vander dropped the skateboard to the tile and jumped on it with the biggest smile ever. His little knees bent, and he flipped it with his feet, back to his hands, the smile never leaving his face.

“Look, new shoes.”

“Oh, that’s just like Charlie’s. She tricked me. My mom said the store sold all out.”

I took a picture of him with my phone when he plopped to the floor and removed his shoes, sliding the new sandals on his feet.

I handed him the wrapped box when he stood, stomping his foot off the floor, initiating blue lights.

“Here, Van. This one’s really heavy.”

His face dropped again, just like that. “I know what it is, but I don’t have my other ones anymore. I don’t know where they are.”

“Open it,” I coaxed with a finger, ruffling his hair.

Van sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the blue ribbon. “I can’t read yet,” he said as he handed me the card, pulling a snow globe from the box. He shook it, sending the snow falling all around the circus tent.

“I think I already heard this story.”

I opened the card with a frown, wondering what he meant, but didn’t ask. The ache in my throat was harder to swallow than I thought. I had no saliva to get it down with. My mouth dried when I saw her handwriting. She made her G’s the same way I did. Paxton always said they looked like 9’s

“What’s it say?”

It took me a second to gather my bearings before I could read it. Vander put his little face close to the globe, observing the tiny detail. Tiny lions, elephants, and clowns, placed around the tent.

Hey, my favorite Clyde.

You’re five. Wow. How did that happen?

When Gabby and I were around seven, we got to travel with a circus for a whole summer. We had so much fun, Vander. We even got to do a trampoline act with basketball hoops. It was only the pre-show entertainment while the ringmaster waited for the tent to fill, but it was still our show. We were really good. We called ourselves the Twin Duo. We even had cool circus outfits. This globe is to remind you to go to the circus. Go laugh and have fun with a silly clown. Even when you’re forty. I know I haven’t been the best mommy these last couple years, and I’m sorry, baby, but I promise to have you home by the end of summer. That’s a promise solider.

I love you so much little man. You’re going places. Happy birthday.

Love you always and forever,

Mommy

“It’s a Transformer,” I said while I turned the card, showing him the front. I swallowed away the tears, wanting to grab him and hold him so tight. Of course I didn’t do that. I had a hard enough time trying not to cry. I would have sobbed like a baby if I did that.

Vander took it from me with a smile. A happy smile. I loved him so much already, and my heart hurt because he didn’t have his mommy.

I put Vander to bed that night, spending a little more time with him than I did the girls. We talked about his mommy. I may not have remembered who she was, but at least I had Vander to tell me how special she was. He knew a lot about me, and that made me sad. I never told my girls about her. I kept her hidden away in a past I didn’t remember.

~~

We intended on watching the last of our videos, but I had another breakdown instead. I cried. A lot. Paxton held me, and kissed away my tears, but did little with words. I couldn’t tell him what was wrong. I didn’t know. Just a flood of emotions that I couldn’t control.

He was there for me the best way he knew how to be, and then it turned on a dime. I don’t think either of us saw it coming. It showed up out of the blue, and I’m not even sure which one of us started it. One minute I was ugly crying and the next we were making out. I think I was the one that slid my tongue between his lips, but it was both of us who responded. This was very interesting, to say the least. I don’t think I quit crying at all. Not even when I felt Paxton’s fingers slide through the elastic in my panties. I opened my legs for him.

Paxton brought me to orgasm with two fingers while tears streamed down my face, and then he moved on top of me and made love to me. This wasn’t like anything I’d ever felt before. This was over the top emotional. Not only for me, but him, too. No doubt I was the first person Paxton ever made love to while I cried like a lunatic.

By the time I felt him still inside me, I was all out of tears. Paxton smiled down at me and kissed the tip of my nose. “All better?”

I kissed his nose, and assured him that I was fine. “Yes, I’m good.”

“I hate seeing you cry.”

“I couldn’t help it. I feel so bad for him,” I confessed.

“Yeah, I know. He told me he saved all the red M & M’s out of his pack for his mommy today.”

“Where could she be, Pax?”

“I don’t know, baby. I wish I did.”

~~

I put off the last session again the next day, knowing not only was Vander’s things coming, but so was the box from Izzy’s adoptive mom. I didn’t want to ruin that day either.

Vander was on cloud nine when he got his things. The girls helped him decorate his room with everything he had. That wasn’t a lot, but what it was, meant something to him. Vander was extremely attached to his things, knowing the story behind everything he owned.

My box was heavy as hell, like she packed it full of rocks, but it wasn’t really for me. Or was it? I had a box full of snow globes, twenty-one to be exact. I don’t think I have ever seen so much excitement on a little boy’s face. Those snow globes were special, and he was ecstatic that he had them. I sat on the floor between Paxton’s legs with Vander and the girls, our stones recharging in the center. Vander excitedly told the story of every globe he had with great detail. He remembered them all, and all the stories from his mom. Most of them including me. It made me sad that I couldn’t add to it. A sense of guilt fell over me as I listened to him exaggerate the time Izzy and I went out on a shrimp boat and got caught in a tropical storm. He believed it, and the girls believed it with wide eyes, but I wasn’t so sure that I did. If it did happen, my girls never heard it from me, because I didn’t tell them. I hid her. I didn’t remember her at all, but I knew I loved her.