“Come on jitterbug. Bedtime. Hop on the train,” Paxton said as he shifted Vander to the other shoulder.
“No, Mommy’s sad.”
I kissed Phi’s little lips and coaxed her off my lap with a light shove. “You go, baby. I’m okay.”
“She misses your mommy,” Phi told Van as her daddy lifted her to the vacant shoulder.
“She’s going to find her on Saturday,” Van replied.
Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that.
I pulled myself from the floor and walked to the kitchen, inviting a strong mixed drink to my pity party. My feet slid into Paxton’s flip-flops by the door when I couldn’t find mine. I walked outside, planning to take my drink down to the beach to sulk in silence. Pray to a deaf God that didn’t hear me.
“Hey, where you going? Come here.”
“Fuck you, Paxton. I’m not coming here. Leave me alone,” I called over my shoulder, hair flipping to my back, and right to my left eye. Ouch.
“Gabriella.”
“Stop fucking following me. Go back in the house with the kids.”
“No, we have to stop this. Listen to me, God damnit.”
I turned on him, finger right to his nose. “Why? Why Paxton? You said it yourself. We’re all a bunch of fucking liars. You’re just going to lie. I fucking told you. I tried to tell you. This isn’t fucking real.”
“Will you stop saying fuck?”
“Fuck you,” I called while spinning back to the beach, spilling half my drink.
Paxton let me go, but not for long. I made it to the sand and fell, unable to carry myself anymore. My drink finished spilling to the sand and I didn’t even care. I pulled my little hematite stone from my pocket and squeezed it, praying for the magic to work.
“Gabriella, I don’t know how to fix us, baby.”
I didn’t even bother with trying to pull away. I was too weak, no match for his comforting arms. Paxton pulled me into his arms and I let him. I let him because I needed someone and he was there. I let him because I wanted him and I couldn’t have him, because we were broken.
“Why, Paxton? He doesn’t deserve that. She came for my help. We could have been together, Paxton. God!” I screamed to the dark ocean, tears streaming down my face. “I should have just brought her here. I should have got the milk and brought her home, Pax. Why didn’t I do that? Why!” I cried again. This time to the sky, demanding God to hear me.
Paxton didn’t say one word. He held me tight, and listened to my crazy thoughts, until I had run out of what ifs. He never said a word, not even a whisper.
Just when I thought I was all out of crazy, Paxton pulled his stone from his pocket, held out, and smiled down at me. I looked at him puzzled for second, the moonlight illuminating his face. He needed to shave. I looked back to his stone, and opened another round of crazy. I snatched it from his hand and lunged it as hard as I could into the ocean. I don’t know how far it made it, but I know it hit the water. I think.
“That’s for throwing mine,” I said as I spun back to him. “That’s what I think about your magical rock. Fuck you. Fuck this thing you created between us. Fuck your family values. I’ll make my own with them.”
“You created this, too.” Paxton yelled, anger replacing the comforting husband. Fake as shit.
“Stay away from me. I’ll figure this out on my own,” I assured him, sidestepping him, and getting the hell away from him.
I laid on top of my covers and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Until I cried myself to sleep. I just wanted it all to stop. Why couldn’t things just be okay for us? It was my turn. I deserved it, damnit.
My eyes opened wide at three o’clock in the morning, panic like I’d never felt before. “Oh, God. What did I do?” I questioned as I sat up, looking around for my phone.
It rang four times before she answered. “Gabby?”
As soon as I heard her voice I broke down again. Gah! Why did that keep happening? “Mi, I threw it away. The magic’s gone now. I threw it in the ocean.”
“Gabriella, what the hell are you talking about?”
“Paxton’s stone. I took it out of his hand and I threw it in the ocean. I didn’t mean to. I was upset.”
“Gabby, calm down. That’s just an old Indian tale. It’s not even real hematite. It’s man-made, a mechanical process. The procedure includes heating and cooling the hematite while it is attached to a very strong magnet. It’s a story, Gabby. I made it up.”
“No you didn’t. Vander has one, too. My mom gave Izzy and me one when we were little. That’s why I threw Paxton’s in the ocean. That’s what he did to mine. It’s real. My mom said so.”
“It’s an old Indian tale, Gabby. That’s it. You all needed something to believe in. It’s real because you make it real, because you come together at night because you love each other, not because you need the magic to power it. It’s the coming together as a family, not the stones, Gabby.”
“But, Paxton’s was the magic one. They don’t stick without his.”
“It’s science, that’s it. Paxton has a bigger stone, of course it’s going to be more powerful. It holds the most magnetic force. I’ll bring him another one. Okay?”
“Okay, I’m sorry I woke you, Mi.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. You can call me day or night. We’re friends.”
“Thanks, Mi.”
“Anytime, babe. Night.”
“Night, tell Nick I’m sorry for waking him.”
“He didn’t wake up. I deliver babies, remember? He’s used to these calls.”
I snickered and hung up, feeling a little let down, and then silly. I never did believe in the stupid magic. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and took two sleeping pills. I had about five hours until my little people would want to be fed, and I didn’t want to think anymore. I just wanted peace.
~~
I was dazed and confused a little when I woke the next morning. The sun was up high in the sky, assuring me I slept way past feeding time. That told me that Paxton didn’t go to work, that he was home with the kids. That also pissed me off. I didn’t need him to miss work because of his unstable wife. My head shook back and forth, letting the anger marinate when I saw the time. After ten. Vander had his school physical in two hours. I was sure Paxton didn’t remember that.
I took the steps quickly, allowing the anger to build with every step. I scratched my head when I saw the kids out on the patio carrying pieces of concrete dumped in my back yard, but I didn’t see Paxton. I poured a cup of warm coffee and popped it into the microwave.
“That’s a little too big, Row, you’re going to hurt yourself. Let Daddy get the big ones.”
“We’re going to have a waterslide, Mommy. Daddy said so,” Ophelia explained, excited for the new water feature.
“I heard, put your shoes on before you drop one of those on your toe. You guys have to come in and get cleaned up soon. We have to take Van for his physical today.” I said as the microwave beeped.
“Uncle Pax remade it,” Vander said, barely giving me the time of day. He was busy explaining the secret tunnel, and arguing with Phi where the rock climbing wall should be.
I sipped my coffee, shaking my head at Paxton. I was sure his gesture was out of the kindness of his fake heart, but I did wonder where he was. I was just about to walk toward the voices when Rowan joined me. It sounded like the television, but Paxton didn’t watch television during the day. Maybe on the weekends, but never during the week.
“Did you leave the television on?”
“No, but I don’t want Vander to live here anymore,” Rowan announced with a frown, slamming the hell out of the glass door.
“Why?”
“Because, he shouldn’t get to pick where to put the secret hideout. He doesn’t belong with our family. I want him to leave. That’s why,” she said as she pulled herself up to the stool, mad as a rattlesnake.
“Didn’t I hear Daddy say you all get to pick something special for the waterslide?”
“Yes, but I want the secret tunnel. I should get it because you’re not his mom, and my dad’s not his dad. I don’t like him.”
“That makes me sad, Row-row. Vander’s mommy can’t come to him, and his daddy died. We’re the only family he has. I want to take care of him like I take care of you because I love him.”