Small crimes

'How have you and the girls been?' I asked.

'We've been fine. I've been working as a receptionist and going to school nights to become a paralegal. It's been a struggle, but we're all fine.'

'I'm sorry,' I said. "There was nothing I could do to help you. But at least I was able to leave you the house and our savings.'

She started laughing. It wasn't a malicious laugh, just something she couldn't control.

'What's so funny?'

'You didn't leave me anything, Joe. There was only twelve thousand in savings and I cleared less than six thousand when I sold the house. Afterwards a business associate of yours came by. His name was Manny something. He made me give him what I had. He promised me he'd hurt Melissa and Courtney if I didn't, and I believed him.'

For a long time I couldn't move. Just sat there frozen. "That dirty sonofabitch,' I swore. I made a deal with him. He wasn't supposed to go near you. I'm so sorry about that.'

'It was only par for the course.'

'Come on, Elaine, that's not fair.'

'Why isn't it? You abandoned us throughout our marriage. When you weren't throwing away our money on drugs you were burying us with your gambling debts.'

'I'm so sorry for that also, but I haven't touched cocaine or made any bets in almost eight years. And I'm never going to again.'

She didn't say anything. She took a sip of coffee and looked away.

'Look, Elaine-'

'My name's Elise now.'

'Why'd you pick Elise?'

'Is that any of your business?'

'Forget it. I'm sorry. Elise. It's a beautiful name.' I took a deep breath before going on. 'During the seven years I was in jail I kept thinking about the damage I did to you and the girls. I want a chance to fix things. I want a chance to have a relationship with my daughters. And maybe it's not too late for us. I'm going to be getting a monthly pension of thirty-four sixty and that could help-'

'You're going to receive a pension?'

I showed her a little smile. 'Well, yeah, it's been arranged. I'm on the books for twenty years of service.'

Elaine started laughing, kind of a sad laugh. It went on for a while. "That's the problem in a nutshell, Joe,' she said after her laugh had died out. 'If you had come here today and told me you were planning to go to a trade school or college so you could work towards a new career, then maybe I could've believed things had somehow changed, that you had somehow grown in jail. But nothing has changed, Joe. You still want to take the easy way out. Regardless of whether it's right or wrong. You haven't changed at all. You're still missing that same moral center you've been missing your whole life. And look at your face. How long have you been out of jail? And you've already gotten your face scratched up?'

"These scratches are nothing,' I said. 'Trust me, they mean absolutely nothing.' I started to feel a little hot under the collar. And what do you want me to do? You want me to throw away thirty-four sixty a month?'

'I don't care what you do. It doesn't affect me one way or another.'

'I'm not throwing away that money,' I said.

'I wouldn't expect you to.'

'Damn it. If I have to throw away that kind of money to make you happy, then fine, I'll do it.'

'Forget it, Joe. It doesn't matter. It wouldn't change anything.'

'Give me a break, for Chrissakes!'

'Joe, I've given you thousands of breaks. More breaks than you'll ever realize. All I ask is that you give me and Courtney and Melissa one break and stay out of our lives. That's all I'll ever ask of you.'

I felt helpless as I watched her drink her coffee, as I watched the utter indifference in her eyes.

'When I was in jail I realized that for a long time I've only been drifting along,' I said. "There's nothing of any meaning in my life now, at least nothing positive. I need to change that-'

'You can change that, Joe. You can do something positive by leaving Courtney and Melissa alone.'

'You're acting as if I'm some kind of monster. Elaine, I mean Elise, I made one mistake-'

'One mistake? You stole eighty thousand dollars and tried to hide the fact by setting Phil's office on fire. When he caught you in the act, you tried to kill him and ended up maiming him horribly. That's your one mistake? But you've done more than that. You've spent far more money on drugs and gambling than you possibly could've earned in a lifetime as a police officer. I don't know how you made all that money, but I know it wasn't legal. It wasn't that you made only one mistake, Joe. Let's be honest. You were only caught once, but you've been making mistakes for almost as long as we were married.'

'Everything's so damn black and white with you, huh, Elaine? And you're as pure as the driven snow?'

'Joe, I didn't come here to fight with you.'

'Fuck you. Let's see if you can be so damn honest with yourself. When I was drowning in cocaine and gambling, what were you doing? Did you try once to help me?'

'I was afraid of you!'

'Come on, you want us both to be honest now. I never hit you or the girls. I almost never even raised my voice. You were the one who was yelling most of the time. Who are you kidding that you were afraid of me?'

'You pulled a gun on me. On me and Melissa!'

'That's right,' I said, lowering my voice. I did that once. And it makes me sick to think about it. But you know that as coked up as I was, I never would have hurt either of you. So Elaine, you want to know the real reason you never tried to help me?'

'You would never have let me help you.'

'Yeah, right, keep telling yourself that. Back then I was begging for help, but you just watched and let me drown. And you know why? Because you were so damn embarrassed about what our neighbors and your coffee club and your precious playgroups would think if word got out that your husband was a coke addict and a degenerate gambler.'

The waitress came with my club sandwich and apple pie, but I had lost my appetite. I just sat and watched Elaine as she tried to regain her composure. I could see some doubt flickering in her eyes. She knew there was more than a grain of truth in what I said, just as I knew there was in what she had said.

I tried to change the subject. 'How about those pictures?' I asked. I've been dying to see pictures of Melissa and Courtney.'

'I didn't bring any.'

'What?'

'I'm sorry, Joe,' she said, 'it wouldn't do any good to show you pictures. I'm not letting you back into our lives. For everyone's sake, please just forget about us.'

'Goddam you, Elaine. You couldn't even let me see pictures of my girls? And what the hell are you doing cutting off my parents? Not even letting them see their grandkids?'

'Perfect note for me to leave on,' she said. 'I'll walk. Don't bother getting up.'

At this point I was simmering. Probably hot enough to fry an egg on. In as calm a tone as I could possibly muster, I told her, 'Don't kid yourself that you're holding all the cards. Custody orders can be changed.'

She had started to get up, but she sat back down.

'You couldn't handle a custody hearing, Joe.'

And why's that?'

She showed me a smug little smile. 'For the same reason you pled guilty after you were arrested. I know you've probably convinced yourself it was so you could spare Phil the trauma of having to sit through a trial. But as you've been saying, let's be honest with ourselves. You pled guilty because it was the easy way out. If you'd had a trial, you would've had to sit and listen to all the evidence piled against you. You couldn't do that, just like you couldn't sit through a custody hearing and listen to. all the crappy things you've done over the years. It's not something you're capable of.'

'I might surprise you.'

She nodded. 'You might, Joe. But I don't think so.'