'I'm just not ready right now.'
'Would you like some coke?'
I found myself nodding. She leaned forward and planted a kiss on my cheek. Then she got up and left the room. It had been a long time, but it was more than that. Elaine had been my first and only girlfriend. I dated her through high school and married her right afterwards. She was the only woman I had ever been with. But it was more than that.
All the hopes I had for turning my life around were turning to dust. I felt like I was balancing on an icy precipice and that any wrong move would send me tumbling off into oblivion. What I was going to have to do in the next few days was bad enough, but at least when it was done I could put it behind me and move on. Now, though, I was back at Kelley's, and not only that, but in one of their private rooms with a girl half my age and paid to be with me. I was falling back into my old habits. Drifting back into whatever was easy. Worse actually. But I was too paralyzed to move. Toni was too beautiful and I wanted too much what she had to offer. Still, it made me sick inside.
There was a light knock on the door, and Toni came back into the room and sat on my lap. She had a vial and a coke spoon with her. She opened the vial, filled the coke spoon, and snorted it. I could see the rush hit her, I could see the effect it had on her eyes and mouth. I wanted to bolt, but as I said before, I was paralyzed. When she offered me the spoon I took it. The rush hit me hard. I could feel the cocaine stinging the back of my eyes. I could taste it deep in my throat. We both did several more hits. She put the vial down and started to take off her football jersey. I stopped her.
'Either you're a really big football fan or you're shy,' she said, laughing, her expression quizzical.
'Let's sit for another minute.'
She tried moving my hand to her breast, but I moved it back to her small slender hip. She started giggling. 'It's funny your being so shy,' she said. 'Why's that?'
'Because of someone else. Someone you sort of know. He can barely even look at the girl he's with.’
‘And why is that funny?'
'I don't know. It's just that the two of you are connected, kind of.'
Her eyes sparkled with amusement. I could tell she was just dying to tell me her private joke. But I could already guess it.
'Phil Coakley comes here, huh?' I asked.
That seemed to sober her up. 'I really shouldn't be talking about this,' she said.
'Don't worry, you didn't tell me anything. I guessed.'
'Well, he doesn't really come here. Not exactly. He couldn't even if he wanted to.'
'Yeah, it wouldn't look good for the DA to be frequenting a place like Kelley's.'
'I guess that's part of it.' She let out a laugh. 'But only a small part. Trust me. The girl he's seeing has to meet him at a motel. It wouldn't matter who she was seeing. It's funny, she thinks it's sweet that he can barely look at her. I don't know how she stomachs looking at him. Can you imagine what his face must look like when he's climaxing?'
She let out a shudder. I could feel it shake her whole body. I didn't say anything.
'That was pretty mean of me, wasn't it?' she said. Then, after a hesitation, 'I've heard that he used to be good looking.'
I nodded.
She gave me a long curious look as she studied me. 'There I go again,' she said, giggling. 'I'm bumming you out. And I was told to take good care of you. You just might have to put me across your knee.'
She giggled again and then filled up the coke spoon and inhaled it deeply. The cocaine was starting to affect her skin color, making it slightly jaundiced. Small droplets of perspiration hung from her forehead. As she smiled at me now it seemed a bit plastic. She was still beautiful, but not as stunning as when I first saw her. The coke spoon was refilled and handed to me. As I held it I felt my arm tremble. I wanted the coke, I wanted the rush that it would give me, I wanted to feel more alive than I was feeling, but I could see the effect the coke was having on Toni. I could see how it was marring her appearance. In my mind's eye I could see myself staring out with the same dumb glassy expression. I dropped the spoon back into the vial. My head was pounding. I felt like if I didn't get out of there my heart was going to explode.
'I think I better get going,' I said. I slid her off my lap and stood up at the same time.
'You're kidding?' She seemed genuinely surprised, not quite believing what she heard.
'I'm sorry, this just isn't right. Not for me anyway.'
She just stood hands on hips, staring at me with disbelief. 'Joe, why don't you sit back down and enjoy the ride. This is all paid for.'
'I'm not feeling good. I think I'd better just leave.’
‘You're kidding, right?’
‘I'm sorry, I've got to go.’
‘Then go. 'Bye now.'
As I opened the door, I glanced behind me and saw Toni staring at me with utter disgust, her lips pressed tight into a rigid smile. Then I was out of there. ZZ Top's 'Legs' blasted me as I pushed through the curtains and stepped in front of a loudspeaker next to the stage. A healthy-looking blonde took her top off as she swayed to the beat of the music. I rushed past her and the stage, and nodded towards Earl on my way out. I felt as if I was suffocating. As I got outside, I sort of collapsed, standing bent over with hands on knees, trying desperately to breathe in the cool night air. After a few minutes of that, my head started to clear and I could breathe normally.
I guess I had a panic attack. It was probably triggered by the cocaine. The attack left me feeling shaky, but I was for the most part over it. I made my way over to my car, got in, and sank into my seat as I tried to clear my head. I felt disgusted with myself.
Elaine had been right, I always took the easy way. I always looked for short cuts. If things had continued with Toni I would've been following the same pattern that I always followed. At some point I had to break it. I sat for a long time, maybe a half-hour, maybe longer, before I was able to gather up the strength to drive away from there.
Chapter 10
It was almost midnight before I got back to my parents' house. I was surprised to see my dad still up. He was standing by the kitchen sink making himself some tea. He turned and gave me a self-conscious smile when he heard me.
'You left in quite a huff this morning,' he said.
I slid past him and filled up a glass of water and drank it down. I did that two more times and then washed out the glass and put it back on the shelf. After that, I turned sideways to face him.
'What did you expect?' I asked.
'We're not trying to fight with you, Joey. We're only trying to talk with you, that's all.'
He looked old standing there with his shoulders stooped and his face drawn and haggard. It softened my attitude.
'I'm sorry, Dad,' I said.
'I'm sorry too, son.' His eyes widened with concern as he looked at me. 'Joey, are you feeling okay?' he asked. 'You're sweating.'
'I'm okay, I've just had a busy day.'
'My God, you're pale as a ghost.'
'Don't worry about me, I'm fine.'
'How about I make you something to eat. Would you like some scrambled eggs?'
'Sure, Dad, that'd be good.'
I sat down at the kitchen table and watched as he got two eggs from the refrigerator, cracked them into a bowl, mixed in some milk and black pepper and then stirred them with a fork. When he was done, he put a frying pan on the stove, melted some butter and then poured in the eggs.
'I got some ham, Joey, would you like some thrown in?'
'That sounds great.'
He took a slice of ham, broke it into pieces, and dropped them onto the eggs before scrambling all of it. He then scraped the eggs onto a plate and placed it in front of me.
'How about some toast?'