THE RIVALRY BETWEEN General Bazooka and Colonel Ashes raged on, fiercer than ever. Both men escaped death-traps on a number of occasions. General Bazooka believed that Ashes was the man behind the plots against him, although now and then he considered the possibility that some coup-plotting generals might be taking advantage of the confusion to get rid of him. Ashes, in his case, concentrated more on beefing up his security than on finding out who wanted him dead. The departure of Dr. Ali had only strengthened his position as Amin’s top confidant, and that made many soldiers eager to cut his heart out. As far as he was concerned, there was only one person he had to keep happy: Marshal Amin. By the look of things, the Marshal needed him more than ever. He was lonely, stranded on the razor teeth of his crumbling power and massive paranoia. He was afraid of assassins, capture by the CIA, subsequent torture and incarceration. The fate of fellow dictators gave him sleepless nights. He remembered too well what had happened to Emperor Haile Selassie, who was locked up in a dank cell and starved to death. He had seen what had happened to Emperor Bokassa in exile in France. Heckled by the French press, false accusations of torture and murder thrown at him every single day. Water and electricity cut every other day. Dead pigs dropped in his yard every three days. Pictures of dead black babies mailed every four days. Refusal by Air France to transport him. Boycotted by all whores, black, white, latino.
“What did the poor runt do to deserve such disgrace? Has the world lost all sense of humour?” Amin would ask Ashes over a glass of whisky. “All the bastard ever wanted to be was Emperor Napoleon, and he was. Portraying him very well, including riding a white horse for his coronation. Now the French are rejecting him, saying that they can’t recognize him despite the make-up!” Amin would burst into laughter and Ashes would follow suit.
“These are terrible times, Marshal. African leaders are being victimized for the sins of European leaders. Very soon people will be blaming you for Il Duce’s mistakes.”
Amin loved that one and he doubled over with laughter. He took a large swig of whisky and took another line of coke. “Well said, friend. It was the reason why I bought that princedom in Saudi Arabia. We Muslims tend to look after our own. The Saudis will take care of me for life.”
“It is one of the best dreams you’ve ever had, Marshal.”
“I am sure that some swine-eaters would gladly see me treated like Bokassa, pissed on copiously, for exploiting Il Duce to become world-famous, but they will never get hold of me.”
“Not in a million years, Marshal.”
“Friend, have you made any plans? Do you intend to hide behind the Queen’s skirts or would you rather use Thatcher’s bloomers as a cowl?”
They doubled over with laughter, but before Ashes could answer, the phone rang. Emergency. The dissidents had crossed the border into Uganda. With Dr. Ali’s words of warning buzzing in his ears, Amin left to go and address the nation.
NOT LONG AFTER, an assassination attempt was made on the Marshal. He was cornered on the way to the State House. Bombs leapt and exploded in all directions. Rocket-propelled grenades hit the presidential Boomerangs and Stingers one after the other. The Eunuchs were mowed down as they valiantly fought back. In the confusion, Amin crawled away, and nobody saw him go. A bullet grazed his back, parried by his bulletproof vest. He made his way to the nearest compound and the petrified family gave him the phone. He called Ashes, who came for him in his helicopter. They spent six days together on the island.
The nation held its breath in suspense. Some said that he had been mortally wounded and was dying, and that the army was busy choosing a successor. Some said a helicopter had picked him up one hour after the attempt and flown him to Libya for operations to remove bullets in his arms and legs. Some said that he had fallen into the hands of dissidents and was being interrogated, spitting teeth and secrets. The sceptics simply kept quiet and waited.
In the meantime, the Marshal was enjoying himself, fishing, swimming in the dazzling waters of the lake, trekking deep into the island to look for parrots. He got the idea to catch a thousand parrots, train them to sing the national anthem, and make them the main attraction at the coming January 21 celebrations marking eight years in power.
“Isn’t it a little bit too late, Marshal?”
“It is never too late, friend. We can send a battalion to comb all these islands and come up with as many birds as possible. The rest we can buy on the international market.”
“At the cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars.”
“Uganda is a rich country. If we can buy the most advanced Russian battle tanks, how about birds with curved beaks?”
Amin scrapped the plan a few days later, saying that the birds were too noisy and produced toxic shit. He went boating with Ashes, travelling hundreds of kilometres in speedboats with a helicopter combing the water and the air for enemies. Somewhere in the islands they came upon a fisherman struggling to save a friend who was caught up in the nets of a capsized boat. Amin dashed out of his boat, cut the man free, helped him right the boat, and gave the men money to buy new nets.
“A civilian saved my life a few days ago. I have saved yours to thank God. In fact, I saw you in a dream; it is the reason why I was here in time. Come and visit me at the State House when you are over the shock.”
The men were too overcome to say anything.
“You risked your life, Marshal, for some useless fishermen. What if they were dissidents?”
“So much the better. It would show them that I am fearless. And if anybody shoots at me, the bullet just bounces back and kills him.”
Ashes enjoyed playing host; big occasions suited him well. He did everything with such dedication as to suggest that he would always follow Amin wherever he went. He was the only person on the island, apart from his guest, who was not on edge. He organized wrestling and boxing and eating competitions, military exercises, Amin’s morning drills and afternoon strolls. The days drifted slowly, filled with relaxation and the faint suggestion that they might be the last days before everything changed. It looked like a farewell party, the last event before an institution was closed and the buildings razed. Ashes screened Amin’s favourite movies and video recordings. They watched I Love Lucy, joking about how much Lucy in the days when she was a stripper and aspirant actress reminded them of Margaret Thatcher. They watched romantic comedies and war films. They watched Amin’s two blockbusters: his portrayals of Il Duce. They recited Il Duce’s leitmotif: Better One Day as an Elephant Than One Hundred as a Pig. On Amin’s tongue, the Italian words sounded like something very delicious.
Amin initiated Ashes into the difficulties he faced when making movies: the rehearsals, the repeated takes, wearing a wooden jaw, three-hour make-up sessions, the bickering and infighting of the supporting cast. He talked about Hollywood parties, the whores, the tubs of champagne; and he confessed that that was where he picked up his coke habit. Before Hollywood he had been a fan of marijuana. Now he could not imagine life without the magic powder. They watched his commercials for high-powered rifles and explosive bullets. He boasted about his ten wives, his fifty known children, the contributions he had made to the country’s development.
“Uganda will miss me dearly, as dearly as I miss Dr. Ali.”
Ashes talked about his youth in Newcastle, the endless fog, the chilly docks, the dirty factories, the pain of not knowing his real father, the shame of hearing his mother fucked by an impostor, the emptiness of school life, the beauty of the first fire he set, and the resultant fire fetish, the excitement of London’s pre-war underworld, the seductive gangsters’ wives and whores, one of whom took his virginity, his first kill, the war, and the thrill of landing in Africa. These were two men fantasizing, rewriting and reliving their history as it came out of their mouths, ruminating on their dreams, not people balancing on the razor edge of a country spinning out of control. They both agreed that paradise must resemble these intense moments of historical improvisation.