It was at this time about nine months after my mother’s death. I felt bewildered. How often I wished that Lilias was with me so that I could have talked frankly to someone. I was caught up in the general uneasiness which pervaded the house; and then suddenly I stumbled on a clue which explained a great deal to me. It was like finding a key which opened a door to … knowledge.
It was night. I was in bed. I could not sleep and lay tossing and turning when suddenly I heard a faint noise. I sat up in bed listening. I was sure I heard light footsteps going along the corridor past my room.
I got out of bed and opened my door very slightly. I was in time to see a figure on the stairs. I tiptoed to the banisters and saw quite clearly that it was Miss Grey. She was in her night attire—very different from mine which buttoned up to the neck. Hers was diaphanous, pale green with lace and ribbons. Her hair was loose about her shoulders.
What was she doing? Walking in her sleep? I must be careful not to wake her. I had heard somewhere that this could be dangerous to sleepwalkers. Very quietly I started to follow her.
She had descended the staircase and was walking along the corridor. She paused at the door of the master bedroom. It was where my father slept.
She opened the door and went in. I stood still, staring after her. What was she doing? What would happen now? She would awaken my father.
I waited in trepidation. Nothing happened. I stood there staring at the door. He must be awake by now.
I waited. My bare feet were cold. Nothing happened.
I mounted the stairs and stood at the top looking down. Minutes passed … and still she was there.
Then I knew, of course, why she had come here … why she was unlike any other governess. The truth came to me in a flash of understanding.
She was no governess. She was my father’s mistress.
I LAY IN MY BED thinking of what this meant. But he was so religious! He had been so outraged by Kitty’s conduct. How could he when he was acting in a similar way himself? How could anybody be so hypocritical? I felt sick with disgust.
So he had brought her here for this. She went to his room at night. He had given her my mother’s ruby ring which was to have been mine. And this was my father—the worthy citizen, whom the people of this city so respected. Already he was putting Miss Grey in the place of my mother.
I did not know how I should act. I wanted to go to that room and burst in on them … as Aunt Roberta had on Kitty and Hamish. I wanted to tell them what I thought of them. Not so much for what they were doing—that was something I knew nothing about—but because it was despicable to stand in judgement against people who did the same.
What could I do? My impulse was to leave the house. How foolish! Where should I go? To Lilias? Again foolish. The Lakemere vicarage was not a home for all those in trouble. In any case, what I suffered from was not that sort of trouble.
I had a home, plenty to eat, comfort, and I felt I could never look my father in the face again.
And Miss Grey. What of her? I did not mind so much about her. She was not a lady. I knew that. That she was exceptionally beautiful and attractive I had to admit. I supposed she would be considered quite fascinating. But my father … how could he?
What should I do? What should I say when I met them? Say nothing, was the wise answer. Certainly not yet … not until I had thought how I must act.
If only Lilias were here how different it would be. But Lilias had gone. If she had not, Miss Grey would not be here.
My father had wanted Miss Grey to come to the house. It was fortuitous that Lilias had been dismissed for a crime of which I was certain she was innocent.
I was getting entangled in the maze of my thoughts. I felt lost, bewildered, completely shaken by this sudden understanding.
I WISHED that I could get away … out of this house. I was writing to Lilias but, of course, I could not mention in a letter what was in my mind. It would have been different if I could have talked to her.
My father did not notice the change in my attitude. It was different with Miss Grey. She noticed at once.
“Is anything troubling you, Davina?” she asked.
“No,” I lied.
“You seem …”
“How do I seem?”
She hesitated for a moment. “Different … as though you have something on your mind.”
I looked at her and I could not stop myself seeing her and my father on that bed as I had seen Kitty and Hamish. I felt sick.
“Do you feel all right?”
“Yes.”
“I think you might be sickening for something.”
Yes, I thought. I feel sick when I think about you and my father.
I hated him more than I did her. I thought: that is her way of life. She wasn’t really so shocked about Kitty and Hamish and didn’t pretend to be. She would say with Hamish: it’s human nature. Human nature for people like her and Hamish … and it seemed my father. He only held up his hands in horror when girls like Kitty succumbed to it. He went to church and prayed and thanked God that he was not as other men.
Then I started to think about Lilias. How strange that she should have been dismissed just when he wanted to bring another governess into the house. But Zillah Grey was not a governess. She was a Jolly Red Head. She was really a loose woman. That was what they called them. She was one of those and my father was by no means the good man he pretended to be.
My mind kept going back to Lilias. Who had put the necklace in her room? The more I thought of it the more strange it seemed. Could it be that my father had wanted Lilias out of the house so that he could conveniently bring Zillah Grey in … so that she could share his bed at night with the greatest ease?
He himself had selected her. He had said that. And it would have been impossible for her to masquerade as an educated woman, a proper governess, one of those genteel ladies who had fallen on hard times. So she had come to teach me the social graces. That was really amusing. I felt waves of bitterness sweeping over me.
What had this done to Lilias? She would have to go through life with that stigma upon her. People would say she had been dismissed for theft because a missing necklace was found in her room. I had always believed that someone had put it there. Now it seemed that someone might have had a reason for it, and I had a burning desire to find out who.
I could not imagine my father’s stealing into my room, taking the necklace and putting it into a drawer in Lilias’ room. That was beyond my imagination. But a short while ago should I have been able to visualise my father in positions which I could not get out of my mind?
I often found Miss Grey looking at me speculatively. I was betraying myself. I was not as skilled at subterfuge as they were.
I wondered whether Zillah Grey had guessed that I had discovered the truth about her relationship with my father. She was clearly a little anxious and I was not subtle enough to hide my feelings.
One afternoon my father arrived home early and very soon afterwards Miss Grey came to my room.
She said: “Your father wants you to go to his study. He has something to say to you.”
I looked surprised. I fancied he had been avoiding me lately. When we dined he seemed determined not to meet my eyes, but as he rarely addressed a remark to me it was not really necessary to do so.
She came with me to the study and shut the door behind us.
My father was standing leaning against his desk. She went and stood beside him.
“Sit down, Davina,” he said. “I want to tell you that Miss Grey has promised to become my wife.”
I stared at them both in astonishment.