“Yes.”
“In short, despite empirical evidence to the contrary — there was not even a hint that Daddy was ever anything but completely faithful to my mother — I persisted in believing that he was screwing around outside the marriage, and confronted him with this certain belief. A delusion, you see, isn’t simply a vague feeling. It’s a positive belief unwaveringly held in the face of—”
“Yes, Helsinger told me.”
“Yes,” she said. “So I’m supposed to have gone to Daddy and told him to quit playing around because he was being unfaithful not only to my mother but to me as well. Moreover, if he really wanted to play around, I am alleged to have said, why didn’t he play around with me? I was free, white, twenty-four, and reasonably attractive — do you find me reasonably attractive, Matthew?”
“Yes, I do.”
“I wasn’t begging for a compliment,” she said. “Or perhaps I was. The one thing you never feel in this place is beautiful. Or even mildly attractive. Unless you’re Anna the Porn Queen, who claims she gets telepathic messages every day from her millions of panting fans out there. In any event, my delusional system is supposed to include anger over severe deprivation — because Daddy never thought I was as beautiful as the woman he was seeing outside the marriage. And I’m supposed to have gone to him and — well, propositioned him, I suppose is the word — an unseemly and unnatural thing for a daughter, however loving, to have done. Shades of incest, shame, shame, shame.” She smiled. “Am I frightening you?” she said. “Don’t worry, I’m not Becky, I won’t try to bite your cock.” I must have reacted. She looked at my face and said, “Oops, now you’ll think I’m as crazy as she is. You must forgive me, I’m far too outspoken, I know. But it’s best to say what’s on one’s mind, isn’t it? Especially when one is supposed to be out of that mind.”
I thought suddenly of Terry Belmont, who also said everything that was on her mind. Terry wasn’t crazy — at least I didn’t think she was. Did Sarah saying what was on her mind make her crazy? Or did someone’s mere presence in a mental institution cause everything she said or did to become suspect?
“I want you to say what’s on your mind,” I said. “But not just to shock me.”
“Touché,” she said. “I was trying to shock you.”
“Why?”
“Because you seem so very staid and proper.”
She looked at me steadily.
“You are thinking I’m nuts, aren’t you? But I have to be able to tell you whatever I think, Matthew. Otherwise it’s no good.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Can you see why it wouldn’t be any good if I had to pretend sanity? To be on guard every moment against any stray thought that might be considered insane?”
“Yes, I can understand that.”
“Allow me to breathe, Matthew,” she said. “God knows, the rest won’t.”
“Okay,” I said again.
“Good,” she said. “Where were we?”
“You were propositioning your father, I believe.”
“In my mad, delusional way, yes. He was shocked, too. In fact, he suffered a heart attack two weeks later. Small wonder, your own daughter inviting you to an orgy.” She rolled her eyes again.
“When was this?” I said.
“When I’m supposed to have propositioned him? Or the heart attack that killed him? He died on the third of September, so I guess Schlockmeister sets the infamous proposition sometime in the middle of August.”
“He was informed of this?”
“Helsinger? Of course not. It never happened. The alleged proposition is part of the invented delusion, don’t you see? If I’m not delusional, then none of it happened. If I am delusional, then they were right to send me here, and I’m wasting your time. And mine, too, by the way.”
“Okay. According to them, you suddenly went to your father—”
“Well, none of this happens suddenly. The delusional ‘atmosphere’ is supposed to have existed for a long time. Every little girl has a crush on her father, you know — are you aware that the horse is a fixed dream symbol for Daddy? A little-known fact, but true. Have you ever wondered why so many prepubescent girls take to horseback riding, whereas boys of the same age couldn’t care less? An attempt to resolve the Electra situation, which if not dealt with can become an Electra complex — Oedipus in reverse. They would have it that this was the start of all my trouble. Loving Daddy too intensely. Lusting for Daddy, if you will. My father was a very demonstrative man, you see. Always hugging and kissing me. Quite the contrary, in fact, to what my delusional system maintains.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t—”
“Forgive me. you’re not as well versed on my insanity as I am. I’m supposed to believe that he loved another woman more than he loved me.”
“So, if I understand this correctly, sometime in the middle of August you supposedly confronted him with his infidelity—”
“Yes, so they say. And suggested all sorts of lewd alternatives to him.”
“And he died of a heart attack two weeks later.”
“Yes.”
“Then what?”
“The delusional system erupted full-blown. They say.”
“In what way?”
“You understand that this is all their bullshit, don’t you?”
“Yes, I understand.”
“Okay. Ten days after my father’s death, Mark Ritter called to read me the provisions of the will. Those relating to me. He told me I’d inherited six hundred and fifty thousand dollars and that I was now a very rich girl. That was the word he used, girl. It irritated me then, and it still irritates me. In Mark Ritter’s sexist world, apparently everyone under the age of fifty is still a ‘girl.’ Anyway, I asked him how the rest of the estate had been divided—”
“You did ask this?”
“Yes, of course I — oh, I see. You mean, is this supposed to be part of my delusion? No, this actually happened. Because I was curious, you see. I knew my father was worth a fortune, and I wanted to make sure he hadn’t left the rest of it to a cat hospital or something. Mark told me that the bulk of the estate had gone to my mother. We’re talking almost a billion dollars, Matthew. Less the six-fifty I got. Which, as it turns out, I haven’t got, since my mother is now guardian of my property.”
“So you learned, on or about—”
“Matthew, this isn’t a court of law.”
“Sorry. Ten days after your father’s death, you learned that your mother had inherited the bulk of his estate and you had inherited the comparatively small sum of six hundred and fifty thousand dollars.”
“That is what I learned, yes.”
“Then what?”
“That is what I actually learned.”
“I understand.”
“Well, here’s where the supposed delusional system comes in again. It’s difficult to separate fact from reality for you, Matthew, because they’ve contrived such a bullshit story about my imaginary illness—”