This zombie food pyramid suggests the number of servings of brain and other human meat you should consume per month for optimal nutrition. The chart is based on the average-sized human; if dining on children, adjust quantities accordingly.
Your life expectancy will greatly increase as your energy intake from human flesh increases. However, gorging can lead to a ruptured stomach, so it is important that you eat responsibly. In addition, rotten meat and aged blood can prove fatal. Bodies that have been dead longer than 12 hours should generally not be consumed. Higher and lower temperatures may decrease or increase this timeframe; use your zombie senses to make a final determination of freshness (see “Rotten Is a No-No,” page 112).
You haven’t really “died” until you’ve tried human brain! Even though it only accounts for 2 percent of your victim’s body weight, it represents the most important group on the Zombie Food Pyramid. Recommended monthly consumption of gray matter is approximately 3 pounds, or half a brain per sitting. Note that the upper spine is also considered part of the Brain Group.
The brain of your victim will be protected by the skull. However, once you remove his or her lower jaw, it can easily be accessed. As stated earlier, eating a brain will give you a medulla rush, increasing your mobility with a burst of adrenaline. For up to 24 hours after consuming brain, zombies are capable of running and jumping, which will improve their hunting and attacking skills.
The heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, intestines, and other organs in the chest and abdomen are all suitable for eating. However, unlike organs in the Brain Group, your monthly intake should be 8-10 pounds, or roughly 144 ounces. That’s a couple lungs, a few hearts, and a liver or two. So depending on the number of zombies in your horde, you will need multiple bodies to fulfill your internal organ requirement. Alternatively, feedings from this group can be replaced with additional servings from the Brain or Blood Groups.
Most of the gooey goodies in the Internal Organ Group are protected by your victim’s rib cage. Though it is not difficult to break the rib cage, you can just as easily reach under the ribs and extract the organs by hand.
It is essential to keep your body hydrated in order to absorb much-needed energy from uninfected flesh. Human blood is an excellent source of hydration.
Unlike vampires, who are obsessed with sucking, you can consume blood simply by eating flesh—the living human body uses blood to transport nutrients and oxygen to every cell in the body. Full-sized adults contain an average of 5.3 quarts of blood, making up roughly 7 percent of their body weight. This represents about two-thirds of your recommended monthly allowance. However, it’s virtually impossible to extract that amount of blood from a single human in one sitting.
Don’t be concerned about mixing blood types (A, B, AB, O). Consumption of incompatible blood types will not cause complications, though it has been observed that type O blood can give you the shakes.
The Bone Marrow Group, also known as the Table Scrap Group, is typically what is left after a hungry horde fully consumes a body. The human body should have 206 bones, each one filled with red and yellow marrow. This marrow is made up of juicy blood cells. For minimal nutrition, we suggest 10-20 servings, though optimal nutrition is much higher—30-40 servings.
Servings from the Bone Marrow Group can be replaced by additional servings from the Brain or Blood Group, if available—that’s what you really crave, after all. But leftover marrow will keep you on your feet until you have an opportunity to hunt down something more satisfying.
Bone marrow can be difficult to extract, but try to avoid stuffing full bones into your body. Bones such as the femur (the thigh bone) are large and can cause complications in your absorption tract. Finger and toes, on the other hand, can be consumed whole.
Feeding Etiquette
Proper zombie feeding etiquette can mean the difference between feasting on a fresh kill and foraging for rodents.
Wounded humans will continually attempt to escape your clutches by fleeing or fighting. Even if they are experiencing early symptoms of z-virus infection, until paralysis sets in they are capable of inflicting damage.
So the first thing you must do before eating your victim is to continue inflicting trauma until your meal is unresponsive. The quickest method is blunt force to the head. Your victims’ head. Not yours.
If your victim is unconscious, he or she may be experiencing the advanced stages of zombification. Procrastinating could result in your victim completing reanimation and shambling away. Once it becomes fast-on-its-feet food, you’ve forfeited your meal.
Even if reanimation is not forthcoming, an uneaten human can quickly attract other hungry zeds. As the Zombie Code states, everyone is entitled to a meal (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143). The longer you wait, the less flesh for you. If the feeding frenzy becomes overwhelming, we suggest you remove one of the victim’s limbs and creep away.
In the panic of a zombie outbreak, humans often die from accidents, infighting, or other non-zombie-induced scenarios. As a result, you’re likely to encounter unclaimed food in your wanderings. If you do stumble upon a meal just lying around, it may have passed its expiration date. Any lifeless carcass, simmering and swelling in the sun for longer than 12 to 16 hours, has sustained severe cellular damage and has no nutritional value. If the body is bloated, gray in color, stinky, or has a toe tag, it’s a good indicator that it’s been around a while.
During your rampaging haste, you may miss these warning signs. Fortunately, your body will automatically reject rotten meat. During zombification, the z-virus modified your tongue’s taste receptors to detect and reject unproductive flesh. Try sinking your teeth into a bloated stomach—your body will instantly cease craving that particular torso.
If you ignore this warning and continue to chomp down on rotten flesh, you may suffer from absorption blockage. Symptoms may include upset stomach, abnormal vision, and increased projectile vomiting.
Food should always enter your body through your mouth. This is the quickest path to your digestive tract. Some zeds may attempt to stuff human flesh directly into their open body cavities. This is not recommended. Although absorption is still possible, without a path out of the body this flesh becomes dead weight, decreasing your maneuverability.
Of course, even if you are missing a mouth or a stomach, you will still crave food. In this situation, first attempt to insert the flesh down your throat, but if this is impossible, go ahead and jam it into your body.
Absorption