She squeezed my hand.
“Did you go down below?”
“Yes. It was all frozen. I ran away.”
She let go of my hand and lay back. With her hair falling to one side, she looked at me with the half-smile that had irritated me before it had captivated me.
“But, Rheya…” I stammered.
I leaned over her and turned back the short sleeve of her dress. There, just above her vaccination scar, was a red dot, the mark of a hypodermic needle. I was not really surprised, but my heart gave a lurch.
I touched the red spot with my finger. For years now I had dreamt of it, over and over again, always waking with a shudder to find myself in the same position, doubled up between the crumpled sheets — just as I had found her, already growing cold. It was as though, in my sleep, I tried to relive what she had gone through; as though I hoped to turn back the clock and ask her forgiveness, or keep her company during those final minutes when she was feeling the effects of the injection and was overcome by terror. She, who dreaded the least scratch, who hated pain or the sight of blood, had deliberately done this horrible thing, leaving nothing but a few scribbled words addressed to me. I had kept her note in my wallet. By now it was soiled and creased, but I had never had the heart to throw it away.
Time and time again I had imagined her tracing those words and making her final preparations. I persuaded myself that she had only been play-acting, that she had wanted to frighten me and had taken an overdose by mistake. Everyone told me that it must have happened like that, or else it had been a spontaneous decision, the result of a sudden depression. But people knew nothing of what I had said to her five days earlier; they did not know that, in order to twist the knife more cruelly, I had taken away my belongings and that she, as I was closing my suitcases, had said, very calmly: “I suppose you know what this means?” And I had pretended not to understand, even though I knew quite well what she meant; I thought her too much of a coward, and had even told her as much…. And now she was lying across the bed, looking at me attentively, as though she did not know that it was I who had killed her.
“Well?” she asked. Her eyes reflected the red sun. The entire room was red. Rheya looked at her arm with interest, because I had been examining it for so long, and when I drew back she laid her smooth, cool cheek in the palm of my hand.
“Rheya,” I stammered, “it’s not possible…”
“Hush!”
I could sense the movement of her eyes beneath their closed lids.
“Where are we, Rheya?”
“At home.”
“Where’s that?”
One eye opened and shut again instantly. The long lashes tickled my palm.
“Kris.”
“What?”
“I’m happy.”
Raising my head, I could see part of the bed in the washbasin mirror: a cascade of soft hair — Rheya’s hair — and my bare knees. I pulled towards me with my foot one of the misshapen objects I had found in the box and picked it up with my free hand. It was a spindle, one end of which had melted to a needle-point. I held the point to my skin and dug it in, just beside a small pink scar. The pain shot through my whole body. I watched the blood run down the inside of my thigh and drip noiselessly on to the floor.
What was the use? Terrifying thoughts assailed me, thoughts which were taking a definite shape. I no longer told myself: “It’s a dream.” I had ceased to believe that. Now I was thinking: “I must be ready to defend myself.”
I examined her shoulders, her hip under the close-fitting white dress, and her dangling naked feet. Leaning forward, I took hold of one of her ankles and ran my fingers over the sole of her foot.
The skin was soft, like that of a newborn child.
I knew then that it was not Rheya, and I was almost certain that she herself did not know it.
The bare foot wriggled and Rheya’s lips parted in silent laughter.
“Stop it,” she murmured.
Cautiously I withdrew my hand from under the cheek and stood up. Then I dressed quickly. She sat up and watched me.
“Where are your things?” I asked her. Immediately, I regretted my question.
“My things?”
“Don’t you have anything except that dress?”
From now on, I would pursue the game with my eyes open. I tried to appear unconcerned, indifferent, as though we had parted only yesterday, as though we had never parted.
She stood up. With a familiar gesture, she tugged at her skirt to smooth out the creases. My words had worried her, but she said nothing. For the first time, she examined the room with an enquiring, scrutinizing gaze. Then, puzzled, she replied:
“I don’t know.” She opened the locker door. “In here, perhaps?”
“No, there’s nothing but work-suits in there.”
I found an electric point by the basin and began to shave, careful not to take my eyes off her.
She went to and fro, rummaging everywhere. Eventually, she came up to me and said:
“Kris, I have the feeling that something’s happened… “
She broke off. I unplugged the razor, and waited. “I have the feeling that I’ve forgotten something,” she went on, “that I’ve forgotten a lot of things. I can only remember you. I… I can’t remember anything else.”
I listened to her, forcing myself to look unconcerned.
“Have I… Have I been ill?” she asked.
“Yes… in a way. Yes, you’ve been slightly ill.”
“There you are then. That explains my lapses of memory.”
She had brightened up again. Never shall I be able to describe how I felt then. As I watched her moving about the room, now smiling, now serious, talkative one moment, silent the next, sitting down and then getting up again, my terror was gradually overcome by the conviction that it was the real Rheya there in the room with me, even though my reason told me that she seemed somehow stylized, reduced to certain characteristic expressions, gestures and movements.
Suddenly, she clung to me.
“What’s happening to us, Kris?” She pressed her fists against my chest. “Is everything all right? Is there something wrong?”
“Things couldn’t be better.”
She smiled wanly.
“When you answer me like that, it means things could hardly be worse.”
“What nonsense!” I said hurriedly. “Rheya, my darling, I must leave you. Wait here for me.” And, because I was becoming extremely hungry, I added: “Would you like something to eat?”
“To eat?” She shook her head. “No. Will I have to wait long for you?”
“Only an hour.”
“I’m coming with you.”
“You can’t come with me. I’ve got work to do.”
“I’m coming with you.”
She had changed. This was not Rheya at all; the real Rheya never imposed herself, would never have forced her presence on me.
“It’s impossible, my sweet.”
She looked me up and down. Then suddenly she seized my hand. And my hand lingered, moved up her warm, rounded arm. In spite of myself I was caressing her. My body recognized her body; my body desired her, my body was attracted towards hers beyond reason, beyond thought, beyond fear.
Desperately trying to remain calm, I repeated:
“Rheya, it’s out of the question. You must stay here.”
A single word echoed round the room:
“No.”
“Why?”
“I… I don’t know.” She looked around her, then, once more, raised her eyes to mine. “I can’t,” she whispered.
“But why?”
“I don’t know. I can’t. It’s as though… as though…”
She searched for the answer which, as she uttered it, seemed to come to her like a revelation. “It’s as though I mustn’t let you out of my sight.”
The resolute tone of her voice scarcely suggested an avowal of affection; it implied something quite different. With this realization, the manner in which I was embracing Rheya underwent an abrupt, though not immediately noticeable, change.