“Harey!!” I shouted, standing in the middle of the corridor and flailing my arms wildly. “Harey,” I croaked one more time. I already knew.
I don’t remember exactly what happened next. I must have run half-naked around the entire Station; I remember I even burst into the cold room, then the last depository, where I hammered on the closed door with my fists. I may even have been there more than once. The stairs echoed, I fell over, jumped up, hurtled off somewhere else, till I came to the transparent bulkhead beyond which was the hatch to the outside — a double reinforced door. I pushed against it with all my strength and shouted, wanting all this to be a dream. And someone had been with me for some time and was tugging at me, pulling me somewhere. Then I was in the small workshop, my shirt wet with icy water, my hair bedraggled; my nostrils and tongue were stinging from surgical spirit, I was half-lying on something cold and metallic, and Snaut in his stained linen pants was bustling about by the medicine cabinet, tipping something over, the implements and glassware making a fearful clatter.
All at once I saw him in front of me; he was staring into my eyes, hunched over and intent.
“Where is she?”
“She’s gone.”
“But, but Harey…”
“Harey’s gone,” he said slowly and distinctly, bringing his face close to mine as if he’d delivered a blow and was now observing its effect on me.
“She’ll come back,” I whispered, closing my eyes. And for the first time I was truly not afraid of it. I’d lost my fear of her ghostly return. I couldn’t understand how I’d once been so frightened of it!
“Drink this.”
He handed me a glass of warm liquid. I looked at it, then all of a sudden flung the contents in his face. He took a step back, wiping his eyes. When he opened them again I was standing over him. He was tiny.
“It was you?!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t lie, you know what I mean. It was you talking with her the other night? You made her give me a sleeping draft for the…? What have you done with her? Tell me!!”
He felt in his breast pockets and took out a crumpled envelope. I snatched it from him. It was sealed. There was nothing written on the outside. I tore it open. A sheet of paper folded in four fell out. Large, rather childlike handwriting in uneven lines. I recognized whose it was.
Darling, it was me who asked him to do it. He’s a good man. It’s awful that I had to deceive you, but there was no other way. I ask one thing of you — listen to him and don’t hurt yourself. You were wonderful.
At the bottom there was one word that had been crossed out. I managed to make it out: she’d written “Harey,” then erased it; there was one other letter, that looked like an H or a K, which had been turned into a blot. I read it again, and one more time. Then yet again. By now my head had cleared too much for me to get hysterical; I couldn’t even manage a groan, I could barely speak.
“How?” I whispered.” “How?”
“Later, Kelvin. Keep it together.”
“I am. Tell me. How?”
“The annihilator.”
“What do you mean? What about the apparatus?” I asked with a start.
“The Roche machine was no use. Sartorius built another special destabilizer. A small one. It only operates over a range of a few yards.”
“What happened to her…?”
“She disappeared. There was a flash and a puff of wind. A faint puff. Nothing more.”
“Over a short range, you say?”
“Right. We didn’t have the materials for anything bigger.”
Suddenly the walls began to lean in on me. I closed my eyes.
“Lord… she… but she’ll come back…”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no?”
“No, Kelvin. You remember the rising foam? Since that time they haven’t come back any more.”
“They haven’t?”
“No.”
“You killed her,” I said quietly.
“Yes. Would you not have done so? In my place?”
I jumped to my feet and set off walking faster and faster. From the wall to the corner and back again. Nine paces. Turn. Nine paces.
I came to a halt in front of him.
“Listen, we’ll submit a report. We’ll demand direct communication with the Board. It can be done. They’ll agree. They have to. The planet’ll be excluded from the Convention of the Four. All means will be permissible. We’ll bring in antimatter generators. You think anything can resist antimatter? Nothing can! Nothing! Nothing!” I was shouting exultantly, blinded by tears.
“You want to destroy it?” he said. “What for?”
“Go away. Leave me alone!”
“I’m not going.”
“Snaut!”
He looked into my eyes. “No,” he said with a shake of the head.
“What do you want? What do you want from me?”
He retreated to the table.
“All right. We’ll submit a report.”
I turned around and began pacing again.
“Sit down.”
“Get off my back.”
“There are two matters. The first are the facts. The second are our demands.”
“You want to talk about that now?”
“Yes, now.”
“I won’t. Understand? I don’t care about any of that.”
“The last communique we sent was before Gibarian died. That was over two months ago. We need to establish the exact sequence of events surrounding the appearance of—”
“Will you not stop?” I grabbed his arm.
“You can beat me if you want,” he said, “I’m still going to talk.”
I let go of him.
“Do whatever you want.”
“The point is, Sartorius will try and conceal certain facts. I’m almost certain of it.”
“And you won’t?”
“No. Not any more. This isn’t just about us. It’s about — you know what it’s about. It demonstrated rational activity. A capacity for organic synthesis of the highest order, something quite unknown to us. It knows the composition, the microstructure, the metabolism of our bodies…”
“Fine,” I said. “Why stop there? It performed a series of… experiments on us. A mental vivisection. Based on knowledge stolen from our heads, and paying no attention to our own purposes.”
“Those aren’t facts, they’re not even inferences, Kelvin. They’re hypotheses. In a certain sense it did pay attention to what was desired by a closed, hidden part of our minds. These could have been — gifts…”
“Gifts! Dear God!”
I burst out laughing.
“Stop it!” he exclaimed, gripping my hand. I squeezed his fingers, pressing harder and harder till his knuckles crunched. He was looking at me through narrowed eyes, without wavering. I let go of him and moved off into the corner. Standing with my face to the wall, I said:
“I’ll try not to be too hysterical.”
“Never mind all that. What are we going to ask for?”
“You decide. I can’t, not right now. Did she say anything before…?”
“No. Nothing. As for me, I believe an opportunity has arisen.”
“An opportunity? What opportunity? For what? Oh,” I said more quietly, looking him in the eye, because I’d suddenly gotten it. “Contact? We’re back with Contact? Haven’t we had too much already… you also, you yourself, and this whole madhouse… Contact? No no no. Count me out.”
“Why?” he asked, completely calm. “Kelvin, you keep insisting on treating it as a person, now more than ever. You hate it.”