He didn’t need distractions. He didn’t need action. He didn’t need mystery. For him, life had lost all mystery the same night that it had lost all meaning, in a silent Colorado meadow blasted with sudden thunder and fire.
Sandals slapping on the tiles, the boy returned to collect the remaining twenty of his thirty dollars. “Didn’t see any big guy in a green shirt, but the other one’s out there, sure enough, getting a sunburn on his bald spot.”
Behind Joe, some of the gamblers whooped in triumph. Others groaned as the dying cockroach completed another circuit either a few seconds quicker or a few slower than its time for the previous lap.
Curious, the boy craned his neck to see what was happening.
“Where?” Joe asked, withdrawing a twenty from his wallet.
Still trying to see between the bodies of the circled gamblers, the boy said, “There’s a palm tree, a couple of folding tables in the sand where this geeky bunch of Korean guys are playing chess, maybe sixty, eighty feet down the beach from here.”
Although high frosted windows let in hard white sunshine and grimy fluorescent tubes shed bluish light overhead, the air seemed yellow, like an acidic mist.
“Look at me,” Joe said.
Distracted by the cockroach race, the boy said, “Huh?”
“Look at me.”
Surprised by the quiet fury in Joe’s voice, the kid briefly met his gaze. Then those troubling eyes, the color of contusions, refocused on the twenty-dollar bill.
“The guy you saw was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt?” Joe asked.
“Other colors in it, but mostly red and orange, yeah.”
“What pants was he wearing?”
“Pants?”
“To keep you honest, I didn’t tell you what else he was wearing. So if you saw him, now you tell me.”
“Hey, man, I don’t know. Was he wearing shorts or trunks or pants — how am I supposed to know?”
“You tell me.”
“White? Tan? I’m not sure. Didn’t know I was supposed to do a damn fashion report. He was just standing there, you know, looking out of place, holding his shoes in one hand, socks rolled up in them.”
It was the same man whom Joe had seen with the walkie-talkie near the lifeguard station.
From the gamblers came noisy encouragements to the cockroach, laughter, curses, shouted offers of odds, the making of bets. They were so loud now that their voices echoed harshly off the concrete-block walls and seemed to reverberate in the mirrors with such force that Joe half expected those silvery surfaces to disintegrate.
“Was he actually watching the Koreans play chess or pretending?” Joe asked.
“He was watching this place and talking to the cream pies.”
“Cream pies?”
“Couple of stone-gorgeous bitches in thong bikinis. Man, you should see the redhead bitch in the green thong. On a scale of one to ten, she’s a twelve. Bring you all the way to attention, man.”
“He was coming on to them?”
“Don’t know what he thinks he’s doing,” said the kid. “Loser like him, neither of those bitches will give him a shot.”
“Don’t call them bitches,” Joe said.
“What?”
“They’re women.”
In the kid’s angry eyes, something flickered like visions of switchblades. “Hey, who the hell are you — the pope?”
The acidic yellow air seemed to thicken, and Joe imagined that he could feel it eating away his skin.
The swirling sound of flushing toilets inspired a spiraling sensation in his stomach. He struggled to repress sudden nausea.
To the boy, he said, “Describe the women.”
With more challenge in his stare than ever, the kid said, “Totally stacked. Especially the redhead. But the brunette is just about as nice. I’d crawl on broken glass to get a whack at her, even if she is deaf.”
“Deaf?”
“Must be deaf or something,” said the boy. “She was putting a hearing aid kind of thing in her ear, taking it out and putting it in like she couldn’t get it to fit right. Real sweet-looking bitch.”
Even though he was six inches taller and forty pounds heavier than the boy, Joe wanted to seize the kid by the throat and choke him. Choke him until he promised never to use that word again without thinking. Until he understood how hateful it was and how it soiled him when he used it as casually as a conjunction.
Joe was frightened by the barely throttled violence of his reaction: teeth clenched, arteries throbbing in neck and temples, field of vision abruptly constricted by a blood-dark pressure at the periphery. His nausea grew worse, and he took a deep breath, another, calming himself.
Evidently the boy saw something in Joe’s eyes that gave him pause. He became less confrontational, turning his gaze once more to the shouting gamblers. “Give me the twenty. I earned it.”
Joe didn’t relinquish the bill. “Where’s your dad?”
“Say what?”
“Where’s your mother?”
“What’s it to you?”
“Where are they?”
“They got their own lives.”
Joe’s anger sagged into despair. “What’s your name, kid?”
“What do you need to know for? You think I’m a baby, can’t come to the beach alone? Screw you, I go where I want.”
“You go where you want, but you don’t have anywhere to be.”
The kid made eye contact again. In his bruised stare was a glimpse of hurt and loneliness so deep Joe was shocked that anyone should have descended to it by the tender age of fourteen. “Anywhere to be? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Joe sensed that they had made a connection on a profound level, that a door had opened unexpectedly for him and for this troubled boy, and that both of their futures could be changed for the better if he could just understand where they might be able to go after they crossed that threshold. But his own life was as hollow — his store of philosophy as empty — as any abandoned shell washed up on the nearby shore. He had no belief to share, no wisdom to impart, no hope to offer, insufficient substance to sustain himself, let alone another.
He was one of the lost, and the lost cannot lead.
The moment passed, and the kid plucked the twenty-dollar bill out of Joe’s hand. His expression was more of a sneer than a smile when he mockingly repeated Joe’s words, “‘They’re women.’” Backing away, he said, “You get them hot, they’re all just bitches.”
“And are we all just dogs?” Joe asked, but the kid slipped out of the lavatory before he could hear the question.
Although Joe had washed his hands twice, he felt dirty.
He turned to the sinks again, but he could not easily reach them. Six men were now gathered immediately around the cockroach, and a few others were hanging back, watching.
The crowded lavatory was sweltering, Joe was streaming sweat, and the yellow air burned in his nostrils, corroded his lungs with each inhalation, stung his eyes. It was condensing on the mirrors, blurring the reflections of the agitated men until they seemed not to be creatures of flesh and blood but tortured spirits glimpsed through an abattoir window, wet with sulfurous steam, in the deepest kingdom of the damned. The fevered gamblers shouted at the roach, shaking fistfuls of dollars at it. Their voices blended into a single shrill ululation, seemingly senseless, a mad gibbering that rose in intensity and pitch until it sounded, to Joe, like a crystal-shattering squeal, piercing to the center of his brain and setting off dangerous vibrations in the core of him.
He pushed between two of the men and stamped on the crippled cockroach, killing it.
In the instant of stunned silence that followed his intrusion, Joe turned away from the men, shaking, shaking, the shattering sound still tremulant in his memory, still vibrating in his bones. He headed toward the exit, eager to get out of there before he exploded.