Finally, she sighs. The sound is broken. “Okay. Goodbye, Liz.”
Her tone is infinitely sad, resigned, like this is the last time we’ll ever speak.
Standing in the middle of my room, hardly noticing the mess of splattered paint and tarps, I study the partially finished mural. The green and the smell permeate everything. These images mean something for me, they have to. But where’s the connection? What is the timeline here, who are all the players?
You ruined everything.
He’s found you.
Please come back, please …
The sound of music pierces the silence—it’s coming from Charles’s room. Some kind of rock, the singer screaming rather than attempting something remotely melodious. Outside, the wind howls and pushes at the glass panes of my window. Ignoring it all, I trace one of the tree trunks in the mural with the tip of my finger, thinking, attempting to remember what may have been erased. Around and around like a chaotic carousel.
You will forget everything.
You’re completely human—I’d know if you were anything else. You haven’t been sought out, collected, or studied.
I rocked my daughter to sleep every night, I sang her songs, I dressed her, I fed her, I played with her, I carried her inside of me for nine months. She knew me, and I knew her.
Sometimes you know things you shouldn’t. You say things.
You’re not normal. They should lock you up and throw away the key.
“Liz?” An impatient tap on the door. I turn away from the mural, sensing Emotions on the other side of that door. Emotions and Charles. He’s upset. I open the door a crack and slip out into the hall before he can see the walls of my room. In his present state, I’m not sure how he would react. “What is it?” I ask, acting concerned.
There are no lights on. My brother is a dark shadow as he rubs the back of his neck in an agitated manner, but I see the Emotion standing beside him is Guilt. Something must have happened with Mom and Dad. Charles sighs, taking my attention away from them. “Listen, would you do me a favor?” Without waiting for me to answer he goes on, “I need you to cover for me tomorrow night. I know it’s my turn to do the chores, but me and some guys are going to do test runs on the track. I just finished some more tweaks on my car and I want to see how she does.”
“It’s fine,” I say. He’s not going to tell me what’s bothering him, and I won’t ask. Guilt stares at me with a half-smile, her hand tight on Charles, eyes luminous in the dim lighting.
He nods, hesitating. “Okay, then.”
Just as my brother turns to go, I say, “Charles?” He turns, and I notice how much he looks like our mother, too. I study his face. “Do you remember what I was like as a baby?”
If he’s surprised by the question, he doesn’t show it. The Emotion fades as Charles smiles at me, probably thinking about how odd I am. “Sure, Liz. You were annoying as hell.”
“What do you mean?”
Charles sighs and fidgets—he’s working the night shift at Fowler’s soon—but he indulges me. “You were a handful, Liz. You were always wandering off, exploring. And you never stopped talking. Ever.”
“Do you love me as much as you did then?” I don’t know why I ask; there’s no motive behind the question. No purpose to the knowing. What’s come over me?
Now Charles lets his impatience show. He doesn’t have time for dumb questions from his little sister. “Yeah, of course, Liz. I got to go, okay?” The words aren’t real, and he avoids my gaze as he swings around—the sounds of his footsteps bounce off the walls and echo in my head like a heartbeat. Thump, thump, thump. He leaves me there in the darkness.
“Elizabeth? Are you even listening?”
I raise my eyes to Joshua’s. “Hmmm? Oh. Yeah, I’m listening.” My voice carries through the stacks, and Mrs. Marble lifts her head, giving me a look. I wave at her in apology.
Joshua pushes a list into the side of my hand, where it’s laid flat on the table in front of me. “Since you and I never seem to get anything done, I did this at home by myself,” he tells me. “It’s the project, divvied up between us. All you have is a poem and a peer review. You can just give me what you’ve done on Thursday. Oh, and since Mrs. Farmer wants the poems and the story to have a sort of theme going to them, I just picked one out … ” His eyes meet mine. “Hiding.”
“Interesting theme,” I say dryly. “What was your inspiration?”
The boy shoves his hair out of the way, leaning forward. His eyes glow as he picks up the list and looks it over. “I was thinking about high school and how typical it is, you know? But then I started thinking about the small things, like … ” Joshua’s gaze lingers on where my bruises once were, then he hurries on. “I just realized that there are so many things I don’t know about the kids I see every day. How many of them have secrets they keep from the rest of the world? How many of them wear masks everywhere they go? We’re anything but typical,” he finishes, serious.
There’s a window beside our table with an odd metal grate over it, and the sunlight casts intricate shadows across Joshua’s face. I sit back, away from his body heat, mulling this over, absorbing his words.
Then other words drift back to me, demanding and subtle at the same time. Driven on by secrets and masks and hiding.
And you loved her.
Yes, I loved her.
Why those words? Why now? Attempting to ignore the memory, I force a smile at Joshua. “And you said you weren’t creative.”
He blushes—I realize he hasn’t blushed in front of me in a while. I remember when he once used to trip and stutter over his words when he talked to me, and now … I watch the way his long lashes flutter, gold flecks in his eyes that I never noticed before flashing in the weak light. Almost as brilliant as Fear’s.
Fear.
In my mind’s eye, I see his cocky grin, the way he looks at me and believes so blissfully in my potential to be more. It’s been a week.
My eyes go to the newspapers a few aisles away from us, drawing my own thoughts away from this unethical territory. From all of the unethical territory my brain seems inclined to travel to lately. The newspapers beckon, a sure distraction. There’s still a lot of 2000 to go through; I should do some more searching today.
Joshua sees where I’m looking. He sighs, waving the list through the air as if he thinks it’s a lost cause. “Just take it and do your part,” he orders, grasping my wrist to lift it, putting the list on the table, and setting my hand back down on top. But when he’s done, he doesn’t pull away. Instead, his hand slides down. Hesitantly, afraid I’ll protest, Joshua interlaces his fingers in the spaces between mine.
I don’t move.
I look at him, and he looks at me. It’s so unusual, this sense of being the only two people in the world, when really, we’re never alone. It’s him—his innocence, his belief that everything really is just so simple. Joshua’s skin is so eager, alive, clashing with the detachment of my own. He has to notice the difference, but he doesn’t say anything. Joy appears behind Joshua’s chair, beaming at me. Her hair is even redder than Joshua’s, almost orange, and she’s one of the more heavyset Emotions. “You make him so happy!” she chirps, hugging him. The fat in her arms jiggles. “I’m so glad, because I haven’t seen too much of this one since, well, you know. It’s really interesting that you’re the one who brought me here, isn’t it?” She giggles.
Her chatter fades as my examination of this situation intensifies. I should pull away. I should tell Joshua how useless it all is. I should warn him, I should tell him the lies I tell everyone else, tell Fear. Should, should, should. The truth is, I don’t. He represents what I need to be, and my instincts are drawn to this.