“Thank you.” I allow his touch, ignoring the instinct to pull away. This is the last time he’ll ever hold me like this, and I stay to give him memories of his own.
Joshua and I stand there for a few minutes—minutes that feel like peaceful years—just two people in a barn, alone, together, separate and apart, yet one. A human and … something nonhuman. Love and nothing. Love and everything.
A noise nearby. I lift my head. I should pull away. I should leave. But I don’t.
The boy in my arms notes the alert movement. He rubs a thumb across my lower lip, smiling. Then, softly, softly, Joshua says the words: “Just you and me, Rebecca.”
There’s an instant of silence, and I can feel the illusion trembling. Then there’s the sound of thunder all around me, something breaking into a million pieces.
Whoosh.
The wall collapses.
Pain. Pain. Pain.
I remember. I remember it all, this time. And with the remembering comes the rush, the waterfall, the shrieking earthquake of feeling. Joshua disappears as the world crumbles. Emotions surround me, murmuring in wonder, touching me everywhere. I fight them, making sounds that don’t even sound human. Their faces crowd in, bright and dark, hideous and beautiful. As their skin makes contact, my eyes roll back in my head, the room around me fading into fuzzy shadows. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to pound my fists, I want to tear my hair out, I want to throw up my arms and dance and dance until I’m too dizzy to dance anymore and fall to the ground.
And in the midst of it all, the memory of one face presses in, filling every corner of my being. Just you and me, Rebecca.
Elizabeth is gone. I am completely Rebecca James once again. And I know what I am. Daughter, sister, lover … Element. I’m a hybrid. A half-blood. Haven’t you noticed that people are drawn to you? I know why now. And I know why Nightmare wanted to find my father. Because my father’s blood is the most precious, the greatest addiction, the highest power, the ultimate nectar. Blood that runs through my veins, making me only half human.
Life.
And I couldn’t even use it to save my twin. “No!” I scream, tears streaming down my face. “I don’t want to remember! Take it away, please, take it away!”
“Too late for that,” a voice says, close by. “Back off, all of you. I know it’s exciting, but she shouldn’t have to deal with it all at once.”
“Rebecca, Rebecca,” the Emotions are saying over and over again, still touching me. My twin and I used to join their parties all the time, intoxicate them with a single touch. Life—that’s what I am. Why, then, do I crave death? I feel hands in my hair, on my shoulders, on my back, on my legs, my feet, my cheeks, my stomach. Their touch, their essences gush through me, bursting out of my pores, oozing through every part of my body.
“Get away from me!” I scream, wild-eyed, thrusting my arms out. Power rushes through every part of my body, making me tremble all over. The gust is so strong that the Emotions all around are thrown back. Many of them vanish. Others gaze at me in awe, standing a safe distance from me. I’m barely aware of any of it. I crumple into a ball, weeping.
I remember him. Everything. I remember his smile, his pensive tones, the way his eyes twinkled, every moment of every day we spent together.
His words, his companionship, his love—gone. All of it, gone.
My brother. My twin. I sink into a black hole of despair.
“Landon.”
Twenty-Four
I stand in the middle of Elizabeth’s room.
I gaze at the walls, the mural I’ll never finish. Green everywhere, trees and light and mystery. My eyes fall on me and Landon. I take in the silent anguish, my arms embracing death. It’s the thousandth time I’ve seen the image—through flashes of memory, through dreams—but now it means more. So much more. That was the moment I denied the blood running through my veins. What was the point of being Life if I couldn’t use it to bring my brother back?
Something wet falls to the wooden floor, the sound like a crash all around me. I look down, see the drop of water. I touch my cheek. I’m crying.
That’s when I realize I’m no longer alone. Someone stands behind me, someone with gentle fingers as they rest on my shoulder. I turn and meet Sorrow’s bottomless eyes. He doesn’t say a word, and as always, he’s crying, too. There’s nothing to say. We grieve together for a few moments before the Emotion fades into nothing, leaving his essence as a token. As the salty taste in my mouth.
It’s being in this room. It’s thinking of him. It’s Sorrow’s brief presence. But suddenly I can hear his voice—something I’ve done everything to avoid—in my head, warm and alive.
Just you and me, Rebecca. We’ll be travelers. We’ll see everything and no one will tell us what to do.
A sob hitches in my throat. Wanting to block it all out, I bend over, picking up a bucket of green paint by my feet. I hurl it at the wall. It splatters everywhere, ruining the mural and bleeding across the floor. It’s not enough. I pick up another bucket, throwing it at the next wall. The bucket cracks at the force of the impact. But the paint simply drips down the wall—not enough, not enough. I collapse against the wet paint, screaming, rubbing it with my hands, spreading it over me, the trees, and the shadow that is Landon.
“This is the last place I expected you to go.”
The woman stands behind me. In another lifetime, my mother considered her a good friend. She’s proved to be more than worthy. She helped me run, she created the illusion, she tried to protect me when Nightmare found me a second time. This woman, with her cryptic warnings and ever-present pain. I should have known who she was, even when I was Elizabeth. It’s so obvious, so simple.
“Leave me alone, Denial,” I whisper.
She glowers. Trembling, I just lie there against the wall, paint dripping down the side of my face and staining my hands. The sensations coursing through my veins are overwhelming.
Denial watches me. “It’ll take some time to adjust to,” she says, waving her hand at me dismissively. “Now, back to the matter at hand.”
I barely hear her. After the illusion broke, I fled Joshua and the barn and all the Emotions. This was the first place I could think of to go. So far, Charles has yet to make an appearance.
Denial only endures my silence for a minute before she grows impatient. She smashes the stillness. “Your time for mourning is done. I told you, Rebecca. You’re strong enough to—”
“I haven’t even started to mourn!” I hiss, pushing myself up, clenching my fists. Even now, I’m still trying to hold on to Denial’s essence, to the nothingness that’s desperately gone now. I want to balk at all of this, refuse to accept it. I want the oblivion back!
I take a step away from Denial and collide into a warm chest—Anger. “Nice to see you again,” he murmurs, and I can see that he actually means it. Smiling with a trace of smugness, he reaches out and takes hold of my shoulder. The fury is devastating, and the ever-present pain makes tears spring to my eyes. Finished with me, the Emotion vanishes. I turn this new wrath onto Denial. I feel my eyes burning, but she isn’t afraid; she just glares back.
“And whose fault is that?” she challenges. “I did what you asked. I did the illusion. I hid you here. It’s time for you to grow up and face reality again.”
I whirl away. “You agreed to my terms, Denial. You shouldn’t have tampered with any of this. You should have let me be.”
“Don’t you dare turn this around on me. I saved your life—Nightmare would have eaten you for breakfast if I hadn’t come back to warn you.”