“You deserve it.” I kissed the palm of her hand. “Tell me what to do to prove to you I can be the man you want.”
She pulled her hand away and wiped her eyes. “I can’t tell you that. I don’t know. I just know that it’s not enough to hear you say you want to do the right thing. I’m sorry.”
• • •
She let me hug her goodbye, and I held her for a long time. I’d stopped talking, because clearly I wasn’t saying the right things. And why would I? I’d never talked this way to anyone in my entire life. I didn’t pay attention to those scenes in movies, I didn’t read those kinds of books, and people in porn and cartoons don’t really talk about the future. I’d thought saying I wanted to do the right thing would indicate to her that I was ready to grow up and be the kind of person she wanted, but I’d been wrong.
But I wouldn’t give up. As I embraced her by the front door, I vowed to try harder. I thought about the little life we’d created, a life that she was protecting inside her body, and I wrapped my arms around them both.
Suddenly my chest hollowed out like it was cleaving in half. It was similar to the feeling I had when I realized I was in love with Natalie, and yet different. Just as compelling, just as shocking, just as relentless, but more ferocious, more possessive, more instinctive. It came from a place inside me that hadn’t existed until this very moment, an empty space that was rapidly filling with the most powerful emotion I’d ever experienced.
Somehow I knew it was the beginnings of the fierce, protective love of a father for his child.
I don’t know how I knew, but I did.
I held her closer.
Mine. This was mine, and I wouldn’t let it go.
Somehow I’d find a way to prove it to her.
On my way to the house, I called Nick Lupo.
“Hey, Miles. What’s up?” The clatter and conversation in the background told me he was at work.
“Hey. You know that winery you were talking to Natalie about? The one where her sister works?”
“Abelard Vineyards?”
I thumped the steering wheel. “That’s it. Thanks. I just needed the name.”
“Are you up there?”
“Yeah, and I need to get ahold of Natalie’s sister Skylar but I can’t ask her for the number.”
“Uh oh. Why not?”
“It’s a long story, but I fucked things up somehow and now I have to get her back.”
“Sounds serious. Is this really Miles Haas I’m talking to?”
“Ha. Yes. Hey, what did you say to get Coco to marry you?”
Nick made a choking sound. “You want to marry her? Are you drunk?”
I smiled. “Nope. Totally sober.”
“Jesus. Well, Coco wanted nothing to do with me when I originally asked her. I had to do it bigger. Better.”
“What did you do?”
“I got on the airport loudspeaker.”
I frowned. “Hm.”
“But you can do anything—it just has to be meaningful to her. And women always like a grand gesture.”
“A grand gesture?”
“Yeah, something kind of public. You know, to show her that you’re not afraid to let the world know how you feel.”
I thought for a moment. “She’s pregnant.”
“Oh, fuck.”
“Yeah.”
“You OK with that?”
I smiled. “You know what? I fucking am. I really fucking am.”
“Good.” He paused. “This might sound crazy, Miles, but I kinda feel like this is exactly what you need. That girl is way too good for you, but you might be able to have her forever if you do this right. Go get her.”
“Thanks. I will.”
• • •
I barely slept that night. The next day, I went over to Abelard Vineyards around eleven. It was Sunday, but it was summer, so I figured they’d have so much weekend tourist business, they’d be open, and I was right.
In the tasting room, I found Skylar pouring wine behind a long wooden bar. She looked surprised to see me.
“Hi. What are you doing here?”
“I came to talk to you. When are you off work?”
She scrutinized my face. “You look awful. Did you sleep last night?”
“No. I can’t sleep. And I can’t eat, and I don’t even feel like drinking, which is a serious sign that something is wrong with me. I need your help.”
Her eyes went wide. “Damn. Why don’t you come over tonight? We can talk.” She gave me directions to the house she shared with Sebastian, and I told her I’d be there at six.
I spent the rest of the day moping, fretting, and trying to come up with ideas to get Natalie to see me in a new light, but mostly I just walked around in dazed circles, opening the fridge when I meant to open the pantry, going into the library and then forgetting why I was in there, losing entire chunks of time staring aimlessly into space.
For fuck’s sake, someone please tell me love gets easier.
At five o’clock I took a shower and got dressed, then hit the wine store on the way to Skylar’s so I wasn’t empty-handed.
Sebastian let me into their house, which turned out to be a sort of pimped out one-room cabin with a loft, set in some secluded woods on the water. He gave me a tour while Skylar was changing out of her work clothes.
“This is amazing,” I said, standing on the stone patio and taking it all in. “So quiet and private.” In the past, that wouldn’t have appealed to me so much, but now that I was looking ahead, I could see how living in a place like this with Natalie would be heaven.
“Thanks. Can I get you a beer? Or a glass of wine?”
“I’ll take a beer, thanks.”
Sebastian went in the house and came out a minute later with two beers, Skylar at his heels with a glass of wine in her hands.
“Let’s sit,” she said, dropping down in a patio chair and tucking her legs underneath her, just like Natalie had sat last night. “Tell me how it went. I haven’t talked to Nat yet.”
I sat opposite her and Sebastian chose a seat to her left. They listened intently while I told them what I’d said.
“You said you wanted to do the right thing?” Skylar’s lower lip twitched. “Hmm.”
“What’s wrong with that?” I asked. “Wouldn’t a nice guy do the right thing?”
“She doesn’t want a nice guy. She wants you.” Skylar frowned. “OK, that came out wrong. But you know what I mean. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s forcing you into being someone you’re not. She doesn’t want to be your obligation. She wants the real you to want her.”
“I do,” I said helplessly, squeezing the beer bottle tightly in one hand. This was so fucking frustrating. “I swear to God. And I know I’ve said all kinds of things in the past about how I don’t want a wife and kids, but now when I think about it with her, it’s different.”
“Did you actually propose?” Sebastian asked.
I cocked my head. “I don’t think so.”
Skylar’s eyebrows went up. “You don’t know?”
“Well, I didn’t exactly ask her to marry me, if that’s what you mean.”
“That’s what a proposal is.” Skylar threw a look at Sebastian. “Not that you asked either.”
I glanced at him, too. “You didn’t propose?”
He looked a little sheepish. “Ah, no. I think I just said, ‘Marry me.’ It was a bit spontaneous. I hadn’t really planned on doing it right then.”
“But it was perfect.” Skylar reached over and patted his leg. “And heartfelt. And I knew that he meant it.”
A look passed between them that made me so envious I wanted to throw my beer bottle against the stones beneath us just to hear it shatter. “I guess I just sort of implied it.”
“Not good enough.” Skylar shook her head. “Natalie might be strong-willed and independent, but I guarantee she still wants that question.”
“Do you love her?” Sebastian asked quietly.
“Yes,” I said without hesitation. In my mind, I saw her smile change from a playful little girl’s to a gorgeous grown woman’s. God, when had I not loved her? “I’m crazy about her. I’m just an idiot about it.”