'Impossible!' scoffed Bowden. 'They closed down decades ago!'
'And yet,' retorted Stig slowly, 'your Shakespeares were built there. Mr Cable, you are not a natural friend to the Neanderthal and you do not have the strength of spirit of Miss Next, yet you are impassioned.'
Bowden was unconvinced by Stig's precis.
'How can you know me that well?'
There was silence for a moment as Stig turned the rabbit on the spit.
'You live with a woman whom you don't truly love but need for stability. You are suspicious that she is seeing someone else and that anger and suspicion hang heavily on your shoulders. You feel passed over for promotion and the one woman whom you truly love is inaccessible to you'
'All right, all right,' Bowden said sullenly, 'I get the picture.'
'You humans radiate emotions like a roaring fire, Mr Cable we are astounded at how you are able to deceive each other so easily. We see all deception so have evolved to have no need for it.'
'These labs,' I began, eager to change the subject, 'you are sure?'
'We are sure,' affirmed Stig, 'and not only Shakespeares were built there. All Neanderthals up to Version 2.3.5, too. We wish to return. We have an urgent need for that which we have been denied.'
'And that is?' asked Bowden.
'Children,' breathed Stig. 'We have planned for just such an expedition and your sapien characteristics will be useful. You have an impetuosity that we can never have. A Neanderthal considers each move before taking it and is genetically predisposed towards caution. We need someone like you, Miss Next a human with drive, a propensity towards violence and the ability to take command yet someone governed by what is right.'
I sighed.
'We're not going to get into the Socialist Republic,' I said. 'We have no jurisdiction and if we're caught there will be hell to pay.'
'What about your plan to take all those books across, Thursday?' asked Bowden in a quiet voice.
'There is no plan, Bowd. I'm sorry. And I can't risk being banged up in some Welsh slammer during the Superhoop. I have to make sure the Mallets win. I have to be there.'
Stig frowned at me.
'Strange!' he said at last. 'You do not want to win out of a deluded sense of home-town pride we see a greater purpose.'
'I can't tell you, Stig, but what you read is true. It is vital to all of us that Swindon win the Superhoop.'
Stig looked across at Mrs Stiggms and the two of them held a conversation for a good five minutes using only facial expressions and the odd grunt. After they had finished Stig said:
'It is agreed. You, Mr Cable, and ourself will break into the abandoned Goliath re-engineering labs. You to find your Shakespeares, we to find a way to seed our females.'
'I can't'
'Even if we fail,' continued Stig, 'the Neanderthal Nation will field five players to help you win your Superhoop. There can be no payment and no glory. Is this the deal?'
I stared at his small brown eyes. Judging by the quality of the players I had seen outside and my knowledge of Neanderthals in general, we would be in with a chance even with me locked up in a Welsh jail.
I shook his outstretched hand.
'This is the deal.'
'Then we must eat. Do you like rabbit?'
We both nodded.
'Good. This is a speciality of ours. In Neanderlese it is called Rabite'n'bitels.'
'Sounds excellent,' replied Bowden. 'What's it served with?'
'Potatoes and a ... tangy greeny-brown crunchy sauce.'
I can't be sure but I think Stig winked at me. I needn't have worried. The meal was excellent and Neanderthals are quite correct beetles are severely underrated.
31
Planning Meeting
COMMON CORMORANT NUMBERS DECLINE
A leading ornithologist claimed yesterday that bear/bird incompatibility is to blame for the cormorant decline in recent years. 'We have known for many years that cormorants lay eggs in paper bags to keep the lightning out,' explained Mr Daniel Chough, 'but the reintroduction of bears to England has placed an intolerable strain on the bird's breeding habits. Even though bears and birds rarely compete for food and resources, it seems that wandering bears with buns steal the cormorant's paper bags in order, according to preliminary research, to hold the crumbs.' Reports that the bears are of Danish origin is suspected but not yet substantiated.
'So what do you know about the Elan?' asked Bowden as we drove back into town.
'Not much,' I replied, looking at the charts of Mr Shaxtper's teeth. Stig reckoned he had lived in the Elan for a lot longer than the others perhaps until only a few years ago. If he had survived that long, why not some of the others? I wasn't going to raise any false hopes quite yet, but at least it seemed possible we could save Hamlet after all.
'Were you serious about not being able to think of a way in?'
'I'm afraid so. But we could always pretend to be Brummie water officials or something.'
'Why would water officials have ten truckloads of banned Danish books?' asked Bowden, not unreasonably.
'Something to read while doing water officially things?'
'If we don't get these books to safety they'll be burned, Thursday we've got to find a way into the republic.'
'I'll think of something.'
I spent the rest of the afternoon fielding calls from numerous sports reporters, eager to get a story and find out who would be playing in what position on the field. I called Aubrey and told him that he would have five new players but I didn't tell him they'd be Neanderthals. I couldn't risk the press finding out.
By the time I returned to Mum's house my wedding ring was firmly back on my finger again. I pushed Friday around to Landen's house and, noticing that everything seemed to be back to normal, knocked twice. There was an excited scrabble from within and Landen opened the door.
'There you are!' he said happily. 'When you hung up on me I got kinda worried.'
'I didn't hang up, Land.'
'I was eradicated again?'
'I'm afraid so.'
'Will I be again''
'I'm hoping not. Can I come in?'
I put Friday on the floor; he immediately started to try and climb the stairs.
'Bedtime already, is it, young man?' asked Landen, following him as he clambered all the way up. I noticed that in the spare room there were two as yet unpacked stair gates, which put my mind at rest. He had bought a cot, too, and several toys.
'I bought some clothes.'
He opened a drawer. It was stuffed with all kinds of clothes for the little chap, and although some looked a bit small, I didn't say anything. We took him downstairs and Landen made some supper.
'So you knew I was coming back?' I asked as he cut up some broccoli.
'Oh, yes,' he replied, 'as soon as you got all that eradication nonsense sorted out. Make us a cup of tea, would you?'
I walked over to the sink and filled the kettle.
'Any closer with a plan for dealing with Kaine?' asked Landen.
'No,' I admitted, 'I'm really banking on Zvlkx's seventh Revealment coming true.'
'What I don't understand,' said Landen, chopping some carrots, 'is why everyone except Formby seems to agree with everything Kaine says. Bloody sheep, the lot of them.'
'I must say I'm surprised by the lack of opposition to Kaine's plans,' 1 agreed, staring absently out of the kitchen window. I frowned as the germ of an idea started to ferment in my mind. 'Land?'