'We found this in your back pocket,' said Miles.
'And it got us to thinking,' continued Joffy, 'exactly where Zvlkx was heading that morning, and why he had the ticket for the Gravitube in his bedroom. He was cutting his losses and running. I don't think even Zvlkx or whoever he was believed that Swindon could possibly win the Superhoop. Dad always said that time wasn't immutable.'
'I don't get it.'
Miles leaned forward and showed me the picture again.
'He died trying to get to Tudor Turf Accounting.'
'So? Oldest betting shop in Swindon.'
'No in the world. We made a few calls. It had been trading continually since 1264.'
I looked at Joffy quizzically.
'What are you saying?'
'That the Book of Revealments was nothing of the kind it's a thirteenth-century betting slip!'
'A what?'
He pulled Zvlkx's Revealments from his pocket and opened it to the front page. There was a countersigned receipt for a farthing that we had thought was a bookbinder's tax or something. The small arithmetical sum next to each Revealment was actually the odds against that particular event coming true, each one countersigned by the same signature as on the front page. Joffy flicked through the slim volume.
'The Spanish Armada Revealment had been given the odds of six hundred to one, Wellington's victory at Waterloo four hundred and twenty to one.' He flicked to the final page. 'The outcome of the croquet match was set at 124,000 to one. The odds were generous because Zvlkx was betting on things centuries before they happened; indeed, centuries before croquet was even thought of No wonder the person who had underwritten the bet felt confident in offering such odds.'
'Well,' I said, 'don't hold your breath 124,000 farthings only adds up to . . . up to . . .'
'One hundred and thirty quid,' put in Miles.
'Right. One hundred and thirty quid. Nelson's victory would net Zvlkx only, what nine bob?'
I still didn't quite get it.
'Thursday it's a totalizer. Each bet or event that comes true is multiplied by the winnings of the previous event and any prophecy that didn't come true would would have negated the whole deal.'
'So . . . how much are the Revealments worth?'
Joffy looked at Miles, who looked at Landen, who grinned and looked at Joffy.
'One hundred and twenty-eight billion pounds.'
'But Tudor Turf wouldn't have that sort of cash!'
'Of course not,' replied Miles, 'but the parent company that underwrites Tudor Turf would be legally bound to meet all bets drawn up. And Tudor Turf are owned by Wessex Cashcow which is itself owned by Tails You Lose, the wholly owned gaming division of Consolidated Glee, which is owned by
'The Goliath Corporation,' I breathed.
'Right.'
There was a stunned silence. I wanted to jump out of bed and laugh and scream and run around, but that, I knew, would have to be postponed until I was in better health. For now, I just smiled.
'So how much of Goliath does the Idolatry Friends of St Zvlkx actually own?'
'Well,' continued Joffy, 'it doesn't actually own any of it. If you recall we sold all his wisdom to the Toast Marketing Board. They now own fifty-eight per cent of Goliath. We told them what we wanted and they wholeheartedly agreed. Goliath have dropped their plans to become a religion and have decided to support a political party other than the Whigs. There was something in the deal about a new cathedral to be built, too. We won, Thursday we won!'
Kaine's fall, I discovered, had been rapid and humiliating. Without Goliath's backing, and minus his ovinator, Parliament suddenly started wondering why they had been following him so blindly, and those who had supported him turned against him with the same enthusiasm. In less than a week he realised just what it was to be human. All the vanity and plotting and conniving that worked so well for him when fictional didn't seem to have the same power at all when spoken with a real tongue, and he was removed from office within three days of the Superhoop. Ernst Stricknene, questioned at length over calls made to Cindy Stoker from his office, decided to save as much of his skin as he could and talked at great length about his former boss. Kaine now had to face the biggest array of indictments ever heaped upon a public figure in the history of England. So many, in fact, that it was easier to list things he wasn't indicted for which were: 'working as an unlicensed nanny' and 'using a car horn in a built-up area during the hours of darkness'. If found guilty on all charges he was facing over nine hundred years in prison.
'I feel almost sorry for him,' said Joffy, who was a lot more forgiving than me. 'Poor Yorrick.'
'Yes,' replied Hamlet sarcastically. 'Alas.'
43
Recovery
TOAST PARTY UNVEIL MANIFESTO
Mr Redmond van de Poste, whose ruling Toast (formerly Common-sense) Party took control of the nation last week, announced the party's manifesto to rescue the country from economic and social collapse.Mr van de Poste began by announcing mandatory toast-eating requirements for all citizens on a sliding scale based on age, then proposed a drive to place a new toaster in every home within a year.
'In the long term,' continued Mr van de Poste, 'we will instigate a five-year plan to upgrade all our manufacturing facilities to build a new brand of supertoaster that will sweep aside all competition and make England the toast capital of the world.' Critics of the 'Toast manifesto' indicated alarm at Poste's strident calls for a North Atlantic Toast Alliance, and pointed out that excluding non-toast-eating nations would create unnecessary international tension. Mr van de Poste has not yet responded, and has called for a reform of Parliament.
I went home two weeks later to a house that was so full of flowers it looked like Kew Gardens. I still didn't have complete command of the right-hand side of my body but every day it seemed a little bit more like part of me, a little less numb. I sat and looked out of the open French windows into the garden. The air was heavy with the scents of summer and the breeze gently played upon the net curtains. Friday was drawing with some crayons on the floor and I could hear the clackety-clack of Landen's old Underwood typewriter next door, and in the kitchen Louis Armstrong was on the wireless singing 'La Vie en rose'. It was the first time I had been able to relax for almost as long as I could remember. I was going to need an extended convalescence but would go back to work eventually perhaps at SpecOps, perhaps at Jurisfiction, perhaps both.
'I came to say goodbye.'
It was Hamlet. I had learned from him earlier that William Shgakespeafe had managed to extricate The Merry Wives of Windsor from Hamlet, and both plays were as they should be. The one enigmatic, the other a spin-off.
'Are you sure you're
He silenced me with a wave of his hand and sat down on the sofa while Alan gazed at him adoringly.
'I've learned a lot of things while I've been here,' he said. 'I've learned that there are many Hamlets and we love each one of them for their different interpretation. I liked Gibson's because it has the least amount of dithering, Orson because he did it with the best voice, Gielgud for the ease with which he placed himself within the role, and Jacobi for his passion. By the way, have you heard about this Branagh fellow?'
'No.'
'He's just starting to get going. I've got a feeling his Hamlet will be stupendous.'