After Hadron' s death his lands and goods came to me, which shocked me to the bone. I had always thought Jamie or Walther would be his heir, but in death Hadron was more gracious than ever he had been in life. I was amazed by the extent of his lands, many of which I had never seen, and by the wealth he had gained. l knew well enough how to run the place—I had been Jamie's right hand for years—but the sheer size of it all took me by surprise. I still thought of Jamie as my master, and he still taught and helped me in those first months, but to my chagrin I found that I was blessed as well with a valuable steward in my cousin Walther.
Walther had for many years now made his peace with me, though I could never forgive him for siding with Hadron in keeping me caged. It did not help that even as a child I found him dull and a little slow. All his thoughts were of the farm; his one fond wish had ever been to become as good a breeder and trainer of horses as his uncle. He had not known what his place would be when Hadron died, but since working for me did not seem to concern him I never mentioned it.
Hadron's death came just as he was starting to prepare for the Great Fair, and with him gone there was more to do than hands to do it. There were a good dozen of the horses old enough, broken in and ready to be sold this year. Hadron and Jamie had always gone to Illara, but Hadron's part now fell to me as the heir. If I had been a little less tired I would have been delighted at the prospect of finally seeing the King's Seat of Ilsa. As it was, grief and weariness outweighed all else. I did not pretend to mourn Hadron greatly, but I felt his loss, and grieved quietly to myself that I had cared so little for my own father. In great part, though, I must admit that I felt a weary weight lifted from my shoulders.
I could see no further than that until the night before we left, when my eyes began to open. .
The horses had just been brought into the barn for the night. We would have to rise early to begin the journey—the fair was in a fortnight's time and we would travel most of that, Jamie and I and the three farmhands who were coming to help with the horses. Still, the night before leaving had always been exciting even when I was not going on the journey; a time of ending and beginning, full of promise and change. Jamie had already gone to his bed and the other hands to their lodging. Walther and I had just finished the last chores; and I was trudging across the paving stones of the court yard when he laid a hand on my arm and stopped me in the torchlight, saying he had something to ask me. .
"What is it?" I asked, wondering why we had to stop walking. I was filthy and exhausted and wanted a bath and my bed in the worst way...
"Lanen, I—it's been six weeks since Hadron died. There's been no man around here but me to look after you, and ..."
He had to wait while I laughed. "You've a curious sense of things, Walther. None but Jamie has looked after me for twenty years. Why should someone start because Hadron died? Besides, I’ve yet to meet a man who wanted the honour, and none I wished to give it to." I moved on towards the house.
"What about me?" said Walther loudly.
That stopped me.
"What about you?" I asked as kindly as I could, turning back to face him. All women have a sense that warms them of such things. I was shocked—he was all but betrothed to Alisonde from the village—but I could smell it coming and was desperately trying to think of how to get out of it without being too mean. I didn't like him, but some things demand mercy.
"Marry me, Lanen," he said quietly, moving close to me. He smelt of the stables even stronger than I did. "I’ll not pretend there’s more between us than there is, and I—I'll not demand a husband's rights, but you need a man to look after—to run the place for you. You know everything I do, but you haven't the touch."
That was true enough. I never was interested in horses the way he was, certainly, save perhaps when a mare was in labour. Still, even in my anger I nearly smiled to myself. Poor Walther always thought he was so subtle.
"Walther, this is so sudden," I said, unable to keep an edge from my voice. "What would Alisonde say? She deserves better of you than this."
He looked down. "She will understand."
If it had been morning, broad daylight, I might have held my peace and simply refused him; in the flickering torchlight at the end of a long day I let my armour slip. "Aye," I sneered. "She loves you well enough to take a mistress' place, as long as you never behave as true husband to your wife. What a charming life you offer me, Walther! Marriage without love or the comfort of your body, where you bring no more than my father's knowledge of horses as a bride-price." I knew the progress of my own anger by now, and tried to stop before my temper got the best of me.
He sounded only vaguely guilty at being found out. "Lanen, you don't understand—"
"Save your breath to fan the fire," I snapped. "You meant nothing else: You spent too much time with Hadron, you're beginning to sound like him." I stopped my words there; but I couldn't stop my memories. Years, too many years of Hadron's neglect; too many times being told I was too plain, or too tall, or too manlike, or simply not good enough to be my father's daughter, piled on top of me like so much stone, and just when I was beginning to learn my worth and value my solitude, Walther, Walther of all people, insults me like this. I stood and fumed, I could feel my eyes dancing with fury in the torchlight. "Why can't you just marry her and slay here?" I snarled my last valiant attempt to speak reasonably.
He was long silent; when he finally spoke his words had to fight their way past a knot of anger in his throat as great as the one in mine. "And live my life as your paid servant? No thank you, cousin," he growled. "I haven't the money to go elsewhere and start fresh. I thought I could be your man, since you don't seem to need one like a real woman, and I could have the place and Alisonde, too."
That did it. I gave no warning, just drew back and hit him.
I am only a little under six feet tall and strong with it, and Jamie's lessons were not wasted. Walther measured his length on the paving stones and I stood over him, battling my need to hit him again. "How dare you tell me what I need or do not?" I spat, barely resisting the urge to kick him. Repeatedly. "I am more a real woman than ever you could know, you cowardly lout. If you covet this stead then say so, but I do not take insults well. Shall I tell Alisonde what your marriage proposals are worth?" He still did not speak, but now at least had the grace to look ashamed. In a breath, my anger turned to disgust.
"Ah, get to the Hells, Walther, all seven of them, and take Alisonde with you," I said, and was about to add a comment on his manhood when I froze where I stood. Like the sun bursting into a dark cellar, where all had been darkness there was blinding light. If I could have spared the effort I would have laughed with delight, but too many other things were crowding in on me.
Dear Walther. Time wears down the sharp edges of youth and memory. I have spoken to him since and thanked him. He it was who made me see that things had truly changed, that my life could be my own. I had kept my soul alive through dreams in the dark, even after Hadron' s death, until Wanher with his absurd proposal shattered the darkness.
"Come, cousin," I said, my anger gone in the instant. I gave him my hand and helped him up. "Let us think of this another way."
"What way?" he asked, suspiciously, rubbing his jaw and watching my hands.
"Why, you were partly right. I shall need someone to look after the stock, to choose the right bloodlines for Hadron's horses, to care for them, to train them to harness and saddle. Surely you and Jamie are best suited."