Darling you are in charge of everything now. You have those Powers of Attorneys so use them as you see fit. Everything is in your hands and I trust to your judgment. I don’t want to hear anything about what you do with the money you and I saved, use your own judgment and do what you think is best but don’t bother me with your decisions. You are on your own now and I do not know for how long. Just be careful and maybe we can still buy a house some day. It is a pleasant thought, owning our own home, especially as I sit here in my cell thinking about it.
Well Darling, it is dark outside now and I guess I had better go to bed. I have written a lot more than I thought I could. At first I didn’t seem to think of what to write but it kept coming out.
Barbara, once again I say I am very sorry for everything. I hope that you are all right and I want you to know that I love you very much. I am sending you, with this letter,
As the production and consumption of correspondence quickly became a central part of his existence, my father wrote steadily to his wife and parents, including this second letter to Oliver and Ida:
21 June 1960
Dear Mom and Dad,
I received your answer to my letter yesterday and was very glad to hear that all of you are well. Several days ago I received your note that you sent in care of the American Embassy. I did not answer it but waited for an answer to my letter.
I have not heard a word as yet from Barbara. Do you know if there is anything wrong that she hasn’t written? I was told that it was written in the newspapers that she had received my letter. I should have had an answer by now. I guess it is on the way. Maybe I will get it tomorrow.
You stated in your letter that you would be leaving for the USSR in about fifteen days or when you received my answer to your letter. By this I take it that permission has been granted for you to visit me. I would like to see you very much but I still think it would be best for you to wait until the trial or after it when we could know what my fate is to be. I have no idea when the trial will take place but I could let you know when I find out.
If you come now the only thing you could find out is that I am getting along fine and am healthy. I don’t know how long you could stay but I am sure with your work back there that it couldn’t be long. You would then have to return not knowing any more about what is to happen to me than you did when you came. If you come after the trial than you could see me and know the results too.
Maybe you think that you will be able to help me in some way. I wish that you could but I see no way that you can. Your presence here could not alter the outcome of my trial.
I would give anything I possess if this had not happened. Not only because of the position that I find myself in but because of the worry and trouble I have caused you, not to mention an increase of tension in the world.
One can always look back and say that I wish I had not done that, but no amount of wishing or hindsight can change the results of something already done.
I hope that one of these days I will be able to do something that will make up for all the pain and sorrow I have caused you. If God is willing I will do my best. I know you are disappointed in your son and I know that I have not always been the dutiful son that you desired. For this I am very sorry. I want you to know that no one could have had better parents than I have had.
How I wish I could be there telling you this in person instead of writing it from a prison cell in Moscow. There are so many things I would like to tell you, things that I can’t seem to find words to express but things that I feel very strongly in my heart.
I am still getting along all right. I am being treated good and I have read numerous books. I am now studying or attempting to study Russian.
The weather here is warm now. Not quite as warm as it is there now but it is very nice. It rains a little more often here I think than it does there at this time of year.
I have been taking a walk and getting some sun every day. They still bring me too much food and I cannot eat it all. I have learned to like their yogurt very much. When I need cigarettes all I have to do is ask and they give them to me.
The people here have been much nicer to me than I expected them to be and I appreciate it very much. I think the Russians and American people would like each other if they knew each other better.
Well I guess I will stop for now. Please tell all my sisters and their families that I think of them often and wish them the best of everything. Please take care of yourselves and remember that I love all of you very much.
After one especially long and exhausting interrogation, he was taken back to his cell and fell into a deep sleep. He dreamed about being back on the farm in Virginia, with all of his family around. They were walking along a road toward the house when suddenly, he began to experience a severe pain in his leg, which caused him to fall behind. “They kept getting farther ahead of me and I tried to call to them to slow down,” he noted in his journal, “but for some reason could not do so…. I sat down beside the road watching all my family walking away from me, seeming not to know or to care that I was not with them….”25
Dad’s feelings of abandonment and isolation were easy to understand. He was especially concerned that he had heard nothing from Barbara.
When he finally received a reply from his wife, he quickly put pen to paper:
28 June 1960
My Dearest Barbara,
I cannot find words to describe what it meant to me to receive your letter. I have been very worried about you and could not understand why I had not heard from you. Knowing that you are okay has made me feel much better.
There is very little I can say about myself. Nothing has changed since I last wrote you. I still do not know any more than I did then about what is to happen to me or when my trial will be.
I am still taking daily walks and am getting a suntan. I still have plenty to eat and books to read. I have no complaints for the treatment I am receiving. My only complaint is that I am not there with you.
There is no need for you to try to send anything to me at the present time. There is nothing I need. If in the future I need anything and I am allowed to have it I will let you know.
Darling I am very sorry for the mess I have made out of our lives. All our plans and all our hopes seem to have been in vain. Needless to say my life would be much different if I had it to live over again. What’s done is done and there is nothing I can do about it now.
Stateside life apparently agrees with Eck. I can remember how we tried to get him to gain weight before. I suppose he gets better food there. Take good care of him Barbara for he is a fine dog.
I hope your mother is getting along all right. Tell her to take care of herself and not to work too hard.
Barbara try to keep my mother from worrying too much, and I would appreciate it very much if you would get in touch with her doctor and find out how her health is and let me know. I have been afraid that my being here might cause her to have another heart attack. I could never forgive myself if I were responsible for that.
I remember how you used to try to get me to write home more often.
I always kept putting it off even though I know they wanted to hear from me. They desired a better son than they had. Maybe I can make up for it someway in the future.
Darling I can’t tell you how much I miss you or how sorry I am that all this has happened. You also deserved better than this. It seems I have done nothing but hurt the people I love most in the world. I hope that I will have the opportunity to do better in the future, but the future doesn’t look very bright.