Darling, I hope you can forgive me for making a mess of our lives like I have. I wouldn’t feel too bad if only I were involved. When I think of the pain I have caused you and my parents, I realize that no individual has the right to do things that affect others so much without their consent.
I would give all that I possess to be there with you again. Just to have the chance to start all over again and make you happy is something that I pray for. You mean too much to me, and because you do it hurts me very much to know that all the pain you are having now and may have in the future was caused by me, who would do anything to keep you from suffering. The old saying to the effect that you always hurt the one you love is too true.
I am still taking walks every day and am getting a fairly good suntan. I would much rather be getting my suntan on a beach somewhere with you. It’s the same sun but it looks much better before all this happened.
In Joan’s letter she asked me if I had any objections to her naming her next baby, if it is a boy after me. Of course I told her no and I feel very honored that she should want to do so.
I am reading “Gone with the Wind” now and I like it very much. I don’t know why I never read it before. I am very thankful that I like to read and am given the opportunity to read. It makes the time pass faster and takes my mind off my troubles to a certain extent. I have also been given a Bible which I read every day.
I have just finished eating supper, “y ж и н” as it is spelled in Russian. I get more than enough to eat and always have tea to drink. In fact I am drinking tea and smoking as I write this letter.
The day is almost finished and after I finish this letter I will read a while and then go to sleep. I like to see night come for that means one more day less to wait. Always before I hated to see each day pass for that meant one day older.
Barbara, I would have written sooner but I kept thinking that each day I would get a letter from you so I kept waiting. I won’t wait so long next time.
Darling, you know that I love you more than anything else in the world. I cannot find words to tell you how much. I miss you more than I can say and hope and pray that you are getting along all right.
Tell your mother to take care of herself and also to take care of you for me.
I often wonder if Eck misses me or if he has forgotten me already. I do miss him. Has he been good?
Well Darling, I will stop for this time since I cannot think of anything else to write. Take care of yourself and remember that I love you with all of my heart and I am always sending you…
PS. I received a letter from Jean which I will answer soon.30
In a subsequent letter to Barbara, Frank wrote:
Darling, you say that I sound very dejected in my letters. You must make for some allowances for my being in prison. It isn’t the best atmosphere in the world for writing gay letters. I don’t like being here and I guess it reflects in my letters. Also Darling, there is no doubt in my mind that I will be found guilty in the trial. It will be more of a trial for determining the degree of guilt and the degree of punishment. This also reflects in my letters I suppose. Mine isn’t a bright future no matter how you look at it. I only tell you this so you may be prepared for anything that might happen. Darling, I know you worry about me and I wish there was something I could do to set your mind at ease. But I won’t lie to you and try to make things appear better than they are.31
He was prepared for the worst, and so was his wife. When the trial turned into an anti-American show, but Dad was able to escape with his life, he began to second-guess himself in his journaclass="underline"
I will never know whether or not I did right by giving any evidence at all. I would have been convicted anyway on the evidence that they had. I felt bad about telling them anything at all and I am very thankful that I knew very little if any of anything of a strategic nature. It seems to me the primary interest of the court was to point out to the world what had happened and to use it as much as possible to put the US in an embarrassing situation….
It seems to me that the prosecution did a good job of trying and convicting the United States and sentencing me because the US wasn’t available…. All I can say about the trial is that it was a very hard three days for me. I was very keyed up all during this time and had to ask the doctor for sleeping powder at night…. I was both pleased and disappointed with the verdict. I was pleased that it wasn’t the death penalty or a longer period of time. I was displeased for the number of years I received because it seemed fairly clear to me that the case was presented in such a way to make the US appear the guilty party and I was only a “tool.” …Well I can’t complain because I thought it would be the firing squad for me for sure….32
Without specifically addressing the matter of his controversial statement immediately before his sentencing, he wrote:
I was asked during the investigation if I would do the same thing again had I had it to do over again. I said yea I would if it were necessary for the defense of my country. In answer to a question of whether or not I thought it (my flight) was wrong, I replied that I did not consider it wrong if it was necessary for the defense of the United States, but that I did think it was wrong if it was done without the necessity of defending the U.S. I said I believed such flights as mine were not only right but necessary if it saved the destruction of the people of the US and their property. Any nation in my opinion could do such things for their protection and not commit a crime. If they are done in the name of necessity when it isn’t necessary then it is a different matter altogether and should be condemned.
I previously thought my flight was necessary at the time it was made. Now I don’t know what to think. Of course I only get news from a Communist source now, but if the USSR said that they would accept any control if only the West would accept disarmament then there is no excuse for the arms race continuing. If the US does not accept this then I will begin wondering what is going on. With disarmament there would be no need for such flights for no country would be a threat to another but if all nations continue to build bigger and better weapons then flights such as mine will become the accepted thing and the only crime will be to be caught….33
Especially after returning to the United States and seeing how the media had treated him, my father began to see himself as a scapegoat who was used to take the blame for a policy pursued by the political establishment.
Ruminating on his role in the failed summit, he said on the tapes:
I knew the incident was to blame but I didn’t consider myself to blame because I assumed that whoever gave word that the flight was to take place was the responsible party. They should have taken this into consideration. If they didn’t want this to happen or take the chance of this happening, then it was their responsibility to not take any chances. It was their fault, not mine. OK, I’m the instrument that caused it but I’m not responsible for… this Cold War business. I don’t pretend to be an intellectual… but when someone comes up and tells you you’ve disrupted possible peace in the world it can sort of get to you.34
Facing a decade of confinement, Dad thought about escaping. The idea often occupied his dreams. So did suicide.
“Tried to think of ways to [escape],” he said on his tapes. “But it sure seemed like a hopeless situation. In fact, many times [I] got real despondent.” He continued: