Most people would have a little difficulty killing themselves. You can think about it: Boy, if this happened, I’d want to kill myself. But it’s a difficult decision to make when you come right down to it. And a good way to do it would be to escape and be shot. This would be one form of suicide. I don’t see how you could get far enough to be shot.
During the trial I thought about it because I thought maybe I had an opportunity to run and get shot. They let me outside the court building, right in downtown Moscow, setting on the bench. There was always the hope that the person would live but it wouldn’t have surprised me if they’d given me a death sentence….35
Internalizing his words, I tried to relate to his difficult circumstances. The stress of the trial, having faced the possibility of a death sentence, the lack of support from Barbara, and the uncertainty of how long he would be in prison certainly took a toll on him. Through his writing you could see when he was depressed and when he was hopeful. I rode that roller coaster with him. By reading and copying the letters, I had a sense that I was learning things though my father that I otherwise never would have learned. It was like he was helping me understand what he was going through. I found myself thinking what it would be like to be in his shoes. For me this was like my own type of therapy.
Once incarcerated at Lubyanka, Frank composed a letter to Barbara:
5 September 1960
My Dearest Wife,
It has been only a week since I saw you last but it seems so much longer. When I heard that you were gone I all at once felt all alone. I do not know the words to tell you what it meant to me to see you.
I have not been moved to another prison yet. I suppose it won’t be very long until I am moved. I would like to get it over with and get settled as much as I can under the circumstances.
I will enclose a list of the things you bought for me. I tried on all the clothes and they fit good. I have receipts for the money and the watch. All these things will be given to me when I leave here and get to the permanent prison.
So far my life has not changed much. I am still in the same cell but I have more time on my hands since there is no interrogation and preparation for a trial. I am glad all that is over. I hope I never have anything like that to go through again.
I am very depressed today. I don’t know why so today more than any other day but that is the way it is. Just the thoughts of spending ten years in prison is getting to me. I am sure it would be the same if it were only for five years or even one year. The way I feel now I would much rather have stayed with the airplane and died there than spend any time in a prison. I know it is hard for you to understand this but you have never faced ten years in prison.
You may say I won’t have to spend ten years in prison, that by behaving good I will get out sooner. That might knock off three years. Or you may think that there will be a pardon or some kind or exchange of prisoners, or that maybe something will happen through diplomatic channels to get me set free. I realize that maybe any of these things could happen but I cannot count on them. There is only one thing that is sure and that is my sentence is for ten years.
I doubt if I will ever be able to go to a zoo—that is if I ever get out of here—without having the desire to set all the animals free. I have never, before this, thought very much on the subject but I think all men and animals were born to be free. To take away one’s freedom is worse than to take one’s life, for death itself is a form of freedom.
Wasn’t it Patrick Henry who said “Give me liberty or give me death”? He wasn’t even speaking of his own personal liberty then—only of the liberty of a nation in which he was free at the time. How much more would he have said if he was locked in a cell at the time?
Darling, I probably shouldn’t be writing all this to you. You have enough trouble of your own, because of me, and here I am trying to make you share my own personal moods and depressions. It is good to get these thoughts out of my mind though and writing to you is somewhat like talking to you.
No matter what happens to me or how long I stay here there is one thing that will never change, one thing I can depend on to last much longer than ten years, and one thing to keep my spirits up even though they do get low at times. That one thing is my love for you. You know that I love you very much and prison or nothing else except you yourself can ever change that.
Please try to tell your mother how very grateful I am that she accompanied you here and how much I enjoyed seeing her. She has been more like a mother to me than a mother-in-law and I love her like a mother. Tell her for me that as long as you are with her I know you are in safe hands.
Tell your sister Nell and her husband Fred that I think of them very often and miss them much. Tell them to take care of Tammy Gay. She will be a big girl when I see her again. Don’t let her forget her uncle Gary. Tell Fred that he and I will go fishing again one of these days. When we do I hope we have as much luck as we had before. That was a good trip.
Well Darling, I guess that is about all for this time except once again I want to say, I love you very much. I wish our life could have been different but it is too late now to change what has happened. Don’t worry about me for I will be okay. I will have my moods but that is all they are, they don’t last too long. I know I will be okay as long as I know that you are. Take care of yourself and continue to love me and everything will work out all right.
P.S. My address is the same as before until further notice.36
The prisoner was settling into his new cell at Vladimir by the time he received his next letter from his parents:
Sept. 12, 1960
My Dear Son,
If I had known you could receive letters we would have written several before this. We just recd your letter. You heard them tell us while there that you could write and rec. one letter a month. That is why I haven’t written. Has Barbara wrote you. I talked to her on the phone Fri evening and she wanted to know if I had heard. She said she hadn’t heard anything but would call me when she heard. We didn’t know if you had moved or not. Sure hope we can hear from you once a month any way. It’s so far to where she lives and we have no way to talk with her only by phone.
You can never know how we hated to leave you there. I’m so glad you got the testament. Read it and study it well and you can find great comfort from its teaching. The book of Acts tells how you are to be saved and the other books tell us how to live a Christian life. The first four books tell the teaching of Jesus so it’s all the best book written if possible tell others of its teaching it would[n’t] hurt anyone to learn the truths found in it.
We will do our best to stay well and pray that we can all be united again as soon as we can. God is our help and without him we can do nothing. So take him with you where ever you go. And pray that he will give you strength to stay well and keep you safe till we meet again.
Daddy plans to try to see Mr. K. [Khrushchev] in N.Y. around the 20th of this month. Don’t worry too much. Everyone thinks everything will turn out OK. We sent two men home that was sentenced 10 and 20 years soon after their trial and maybe you won’t have to stay the full time. Every one is for you and no one can be too far against you. Just remember how we have taught you to live and every thing will turn out all right.
I don’t think Grandpa realizes the trouble. He always asks when you will be home. He can’t remember things very long and asks over and over.