I made my choice.
I chose myself, my love, and my needs over someone else’s.
Now I’m just as evil as my mother is.
I can’t look back and watch, but my mother suddenly grabs my arm and turns me around, forcing me to witness my own undoing.
“Well done, dear,” she whispers. She sounds so happy, even though all the bones in my body are shaking with the terror of what I just did.
“Don’t say that,” I murmur, feeling guilty already.
“Why not? See that? That’s power.” There’s an unmistakable grin on her face.
“It’s murder,” I murmur.
She tightens her grip. “Like they say in the comics, with great responsibility comes sacrifice.”
“It’s not responsibility if people have to die for us to gain wealth.”
“She was threatening your father’s position. Now she’s no longer a problem. Be glad,” she says.
I jerk my arm free. “And yet you made me do it. I know it was your idea. Do the Starr’s even know what they’re getting involved with?”
She narrows her eyes. “Of course, they do. Why else would we be friends with them?” The way she says it, like it’s the most normal thing in the world, has me baffled.
She puts her arm around me and guides me back inside the house as chaos outside ensues. “That’s why it’s so important for you and Phillip to stay together. So our family will grow, and you’ll get everything you want.”
“No, so you get everything you want. What do I get? A guy who doesn’t even like me and acts just as horrible as you do.”
“Vanessa.” She purses her lips. “One more word and I’ll have you on house arrest for the entire month.”
“What?” I gasp. “I can’t believe this.”
“You’d better because I’m quite done with your ungrateful attitude.”
“You just had someone murdered! And I was the one who did it!” I say, a bit too loud.
Some people walking through the hallway briefly glance at us, and my mother glares at them until the room clears. Then she shoves me up the wall.
“Listen to me, you little bitch. You’ll do what I say, when I say it, or you’ll be the next to end up dead on the ground. Do you understand?” Her voice is so gritty, so raw, that I barely recognize my mother.
Who is this woman?
I swallow away the lump in my throat and keep it together, so I don’t show any fear. If she smells it, she’ll attack, just like a wild bear.
“Yes, Mother,” I say with a contained voice.
“Good.” She smiles. “Because I will not have my daughter disobeying me. You will behave properly, do as you’re told, and marry Phillip, so we can unite our families and acquire even greater power. You might not see it now, but this is what you want. What everyone wants … regardless of your personal wishes. You’ll see it in time.”
“I understand, Mother.”
She releases me and then starts patting down my dress, tucking my hair behind my ears as if nothing happened. As if she actually cares about me more than just keeping up appearances.
Of course, not. It’s all for show, even her love.
The only way she’ll ever be truly happy with me is if I become her.
I hate her. I hate her with all my guts. And yet, she is and will always be my mother. I want to love her, I so desperately do, which is why I have to do as she says. Why I made the wrong decision. Why I’ll become as fake as she is.
Everybody needs love.
Even if it’s the wretched, poisonous kind.
And I’ll do anything in my power to be worthy of hers.
Because I am worth it.
I am more than what she says I am … and I’ll never give up proving it.
***
Present
Turns out, I’m not so different from my mother … or what she said I am.
I’m a coward who can’t even face the consequences of my actions. Instead, I shiver in pain from the cold freezing my body. My lips are sealed shut, too cracked and sore to open. All because I’m too afraid to bleed, to lose myself to the pain, to lose myself to Phoenix and his demands.
Am I really unable to give up power in exchange for my life? Or will I fight until the very end? Even I don’t know the answer to this question. At the moment, my world is unraveling like a string untying from its own knot. Two different worlds are colliding, my past and my present, and I’m stuck in the middle, unable to make a choice.
My parents taught me to fight, to never give up, and to give my life if I had to. All for the promise of power. For self-worth, I learned to sacrifice my own wishes and those of others. But what does it all mean if I’m dead?
I don’t want to die. Not yet. I wanted to do so many things in my life. So many things I never got to do because of obligations and demands from others. And now … it could all come to an end.
If Phoenix gets angrier with me, it means I’ll never be able to see my own dreams fulfilled. After what I’ve done, I deserve his anger, but I don’t deserve this pain. I don’t deserve death.
Maybe according to him, but not according to me.
But I’m losing the will to oppose and try to outsmart him. Maybe fighting him isn’t my best option. Maybe I should just give in and let him win. In the end, it’ll only make it easier … to betray him when he least expects it.
If he thinks he’s won, if he thinks I’m broken, then either he’ll kill me … or he’ll stop trying to attack me. What other choice do I have? I’m going to die anyway, might as well try to break free.
The only way to do that is to get him to trust me. To make him feel like he owns me. And then, when he least expects it, I’ll stab him in the back and run for my life.
CHAPTER 18
PHOENIX
I get back into the bathroom after about thirty minutes have passed. I checked up on the other girl I keep in the closet and she seems to look fine, apart from her screaming red face. As long as she’s still alive, I’ll have a bargaining chip, and it’ll make it all the more fun to play with Vanessa.
She’s shivering in the tub, her teeth clattering as she has trouble even looking up at me.
I cock my head. “Had a nice shower, Princess?”
She doesn’t respond. Instead, she just shakes her head.
“I hope you had a chance to cool off,” I say, grinning. “Pun intended.”
“F-fuck. Y-you,” she mutters.
“You don’t look very clean yet, do you,” I muse, unbuttoning my pants again. “Let me help you with that.”
“What?”
“Oh, you don’t want to be clean?” I ask, taking off my pants. “And here I thought you were the ‘always prim and proper’ type of girl.”
“Yes,” she says.
“Well, there’s only one way to do that, and it requires a set of free hands.” I wave my hands in the air, smiling when she realizes what I’m going to do.
“Stay away from me,” she says.
Frowning, I ask, “Oh, Princess, do you really want to make a fuss about this?”
I step closer, and she yells, “Don’t touch me!”
“Or you’ll do what?” I muffle a laugh. “If you didn’t notice, you’re chained. I think I can pretty much do anything I want with you.”
The scared look on her face makes me feel all giddy inside. Her hair is completely messed up, her blond curls draping down her shoulders, no longer hiding the original brown hair at the roots. Shame she had to cover up who she really is.
“If you stay good, I might be a little nicer to you,” I muse, as I curl my fingers underneath my shirt and take it off.
The moment it drops to the floor, her eyes are practically glued to my skin. She’s eyeing my muscles, swallowing as her gaze glides over my abs, my pecs, and up to my face.
“I’m here, Princess,” I say, pointing at my face. “A bit distracted now, are we?”
“No,” she says, barely able to pronounce words without trembling.
I laugh. “Stop lying. It’s not working for either of us. I can see those hungry eyes looking.”
“Just because my eyes are looking doesn’t mean I actually like it,” she says.