“I said shut up,” I growl, taking her hands off me while still holding the knife. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“But you have to. This could all be different. I never wanted this, and neither did you.” She leans further in on her own, without me pulling the leash. “I remember what it was like to love you, and so do you. I know you still do, somewhere in that shriveled-up heart of yours.” She places her hand on my chest. “Think about that night. How I felt about you. How you thought about me. That’s the truth. The only truth.”
The only truth.
I wish it were as black and white as she’s making it out to be.
But I guess there are always two sides to the same story.
CHAPTER 22
VANESSA
Age 18
It’s prom night, and I’m dancing with a guy I don’t even want to be with. Phillip’s breath smells, his suit stinks like my old granny’s clothes, and the way he looks at me makes my skin crawl. It’s like he found a pot of gold, and he’s not afraid to dig in. I try to ignore it, but it still creeps me out from time to time. I’ve learned to cope with my disgust like I’ve learned to cope with lying to Miles. I guess that’s what it costs to be part of my family and to become part of the Starr family.
I put on a sparkly dress, vivid red lipstick, and I even put on my best shoes for this dance. All so I could convince Phillip that I’m the girl he wants. The only girl he’ll ever need. The girl he should be with. Just like he is the guy I should be with … even when my heart is saying no. I’ve grown accustomed to ignoring my heart’s pleas. Hell, I don’t even remember what it’s like to be true to myself. Like my mother says, happiness comes at a hefty price.
She bribes me with gifts; cars, clothes, more money than I can ever spend in a club. Just so I’ll be more willing to do what she wants … so I’ll marry Phillip.
And the worst part of it all is that I’m starting to feel like this is what I’m supposed to do. It’s hard to say no, and it’s even harder to resist when she’s practically burying me with gifts and threats. Sometimes I wonder what I’m really worth. Either it’s a lot or very little, which is why I constantly wonder if any of them really love me at all.
The only way I see their love for me is when they shower me with gifts. When they say I’m a spoiled kid, I can’t help but agree. It doesn’t make me happy, though. That’s what everyone believes, but they only see the mask … the mask that’s building up, layer by layer, until I can no longer see the difference between the mask and the real me.
But I’ll never give up trying to overcome it all. Despite the odds, one day, I will fly.
And that’s what I tell myself every single time I look into Phillip’s eyes.
I blink and look away, hoping the night will pass quickly so I can step out of this uncomfortable dress and take a nice, hot shower. Right when I open my eyes, Miles is dancing with a girl just a few feet away. Why is he here? He told me that he hates dancing, so why did he come to prom? He’s not even dressed properly, with his dirty white tee, flimsy flannel shirt, and regular jeans. The only new thing is the shark tooth on a black string hanging around his neck. His eyes bore into mine as we dance on the dance floor, going our separate ways. My heart sinks into my shoes as he grabs her ass tighter and pulls her closer. Something stabs at me, making me wish the girl in his arms died a slow death. It’s not like me to feel this way, but watching Miles touch another girl lights a fire in me that I can only douse by grabbing Phillip and kissing him right on the mouth.
I don’t know what drives me to do this. To kiss another just to hurt a man. It’s stupid, and jealous, and wrong … but I can’t handle the pain, and now I’m taking it out on Phillip. I’m using him as a puppet for my revenge so I can make Miles feel the same pain.
I’m bad, like in the worst way, and I don’t even know why I’m doing this but I am. Phillip’s lips aren’t the same, delicious lips that I remember when Miles kissed me. Instead, they taste like poison, and I keep my eyes open through it all, watching Miles crumple from afar.
His lip trembles and his nose twitches, and then he grabs the girl’s face and puts his mouth on hers just the way he kissed me. He’s putting every ounce of what he has into the kiss; I can see it from the way he locks his lips with hers and from the way he holds her like he’ll never let go.
Tears well up in my eyes, and I look the other way so I can whisk them away. I cough, trying to swallow down the rising bile.
“Are you okay?” Phillip asks. His face is all flushed from our kiss.
“Yeah,” I say, nodding, but I’m not sure if it’s the truth. “I just … I could use a breather.”
“Oh, let’s go grab a drink then,” he says, smiling awkwardly.
“No, I’d prefer to just go outside for a few minutes.”
“Sure, we could do that,” he says, and he places his sweaty palm on the small of my back as he walks me to the door.
“I’m fine, Phillip,” I say. “You don’t have to come along.”
“Of course, I do,” he says, smiling like an idiot.
I guess my kiss did more to him than it did to me.
As I walk outside, I push away the tears because I don’t want them, and because I don’t deserve them. I’m a horrible person, made into the doll my mother wants me to be, and I’m letting it happen. I’m becoming a stuck-up and jealous bitch.
I shake my head and stare at the ground, frowning, trying to contain my anger toward myself and toward Miles. I told him that he couldn’t be with me because he’d be in danger, even though he doesn’t know that last part …
“Hey.”
I turn around because of a voice. It’s a guy, and I don’t recognize him, except that he often hangs out with Phillip. The only difference now is that he’s holding a bottle of liquid, presumably alcohol.
I frown as he comes closer and gives Phillip a bad high five. The guy is totally wasted.
“You’re beautiful, indeed,” he says. “Vanessa, right?”
“Hi …” I say, tentatively.
“Wow, you’ve really outdone yourself, dude,” he says to Phillip, smiling partially.
“Yeah, she’s quite something,” Phillip says, licking his lips.
“Hmmm, so pretty,” the guy says, walking even closer.
I back away against the wall, and only notice now how far I actually am from the entrance to the building. “Thank you,” I mutter. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, honey, perfectly fine,” he muses, laughing as he takes another sip.
“Maybe you should stop drinking that,” Phillip says, trying to grab the bottle, but the guy won’t let him.
“Oh, c’mon, Phil. Where are your guts? This is a party. You gotta enjoy it.”
“I think you’ve had enough,” I say.
“I’ll say when I’ve had enough, pretty girl.”
His breath stinks as he leans in too close. “Eew,” I say, pushing him away.
“What’s the matter? Too good to talk to a nice young man?” he asks, holding up the bottle. “I’m just having fun, doll.”
“Don’t call me doll and please get out of my face.” I push him away, but the more I push, the further he leans back in.
“Phillip, seriously, you’re seeing this chick? She’s hot, but she has a filthy mouth; that’s for sure.”
“We’re not technically seeing each other. Yet,” Phillip says, putting his hand behind his head.
“Phillip!” I give him a deadly gaze. I can’t believe he just said that, but it does make sense, considering we’re both basically forced to spend time with each other.
I wince. “I came here to take a much-needed breath, not to talk to some drunk stranger.”
“Who said anything about talking?” The guy grabs my arm so hard I flinch. “I’m way more interested in what else you can do with that mouth of yours.”
“Phillip!” I yell, as the guy leans in closer and closer.
Phillip makes fists with his hands, staring at us as he bites his lip, but he doesn’t move.
“What are you doing?” I say as the guy tries to kiss me. “Get off me!”
“No, let me taste those sweet lips,” he says, almost licking me.