'And which travel agency would that be?' asked the Deskbot.
'Top Ten Travel.' Dan was well into his role by now.
The Deskbot blinked a few times, as if running through a file somewhere in its database. There was a sort of 'bing!' noise and it drummed its fingers on the desk. 'I have no record of such an agency in the Galaxy.'
'I can assure you it does exist,' said Dan, whilst thinking, 'Well, it did exist up to this morning.'
'Look, we must get an upgrade to First.' Lucy had decided to chime in.
'Oh yes, madam.' The Deskbot had become insolently polite. 'And to whose account should this "upgrade" be charged?'
'Mayem, Rader and Lizt,' said Lucy. It was the name of her law firm.
'We have no record of such a company,' said the Deskbot.
'You didn't even check your database!' exclaimed Lucy indignantly.
The Deskbot blinked a couple of times and there was another 'bing!' noise. The Deskbot leant forward:
'I can only upgrade you if you pay the difference in advance.'
'How much is it?' Dan felt they were on a slippery slope here.
'Seventy million pistres or two pnedes. Currency is not accepted and you may only pay by Galactic Gold Credit Card.'
'I don't think you quite appreciate who Gloria Stanley is...' Dan decided to change tack.
'I don't give a stuff who "Gloria Stanley" is,' said the Deskbot suddenly and rather surprisingly. 'I can only upgrade you if you pay in advance with a Galactic Gold Card.'
'Oh, let it go,' muttered Nettle, who hated this sort of thing.
'Look,' said Lucy in her best lawyer's conciliatory tone, 'there must be some way you could organize an upgrade for us. We're valuable customers.'
The Deskbot seemed to do a quick check this time on a small screen set in the desk. 'Super Galactic Traveller Class - Complimentary,' it read. 'You're on free tickets?!'
'Exactly! We're valued customers! Celebrities!' Dan had thrown caution to the wind. But the Deskbot shook its shade. If it had had a lip, it would have curled.
'I'm sorry, there is absolutely nothing I can do. You simply cannot upgrade to First Class from Super Galactic Traveller Class - let alone on a complimentary ticket. Perhaps if you were Second Class I could do something.'
'Look!' said Nettie to the desk light 'We don't care what class we travel.'
'I do!' said Dan.
'So do I!' exclaimed Lucy.
'All we want to do,' Nettle continued, 'is talk to the Captain. Can you put us through to him?'
'I have no means of contacting the Captain,' replied the Deskbot. 'And, in any case, it is against company policy to allow Super Galactic Class Travellers - especially complimentary ones - access to any of the senior officers.'
'God!' muttered Nettle to the other two. 'I can't stand this sort of thing. There must be some way of getting through to the Captain.'
'How can we get reassigned to Second Class?' Lucy knew now that Dan was well and truly in the grip of that most powerful force known to man - the desire for a free upgrade. Nothing could stop him.
'That, surely can't be too much to ask?' Dan was halfway between whining and cajoling.
The Deskbot started to look earnestly at the ceiling.
That's a pretty shade you're wearing.' Lucy had decided to try another approach.
'It's just the company colours,' said the Deskbot.
'But it suits you,' said Lucy.
Dan rolled his eyes.
'Look!' He tried to reassert control on the discussion, but the Deskbot interrupted.
'You have free upgrade vouchers in your rooms. Now, please, I have better things to do.'
10
'Vouchers?' Dan was grunting this as they raced back through the loggia at the top of the Central Well. 'Isn't that the travel industry all over? Why do they never tell you these things in the first place?'
The Liftbot was in a cheerier mood - but only just. 'Down?' it said. 'That's what Chalky White yelled at me outside that fox-hole at Ypres. It was the last thing he ever did say. Buzz-bomb took him out - same bomb as took out my arm and leg. "Down!" I can hear his voice to this day...
By the time the elevator had reached the Super Galactic Traveller Class deck, the three had heard a full account of the rudimentary medical facilities available at the Caen dressing station, the technical details of cleaning out gangrene from a deep wound and a near-complete itemization of the Allied Forces requisitioning techniques in Cyprus. For a robot from a civilization which knew nothing of the Earth, it was a very impressive performance.
'God, I just hope we don't have to use that elevator many more times,' groaned Dan, as the three raced off down the Super Galactic Traveller Class corridor.
'Primula... Dahlia... Chrysanthemum...' Nettle was reading the names with her translatorspecs.
'We don't even know what ours were called,' moaned Lucy.
'Ah! "Cabbage",' said Nettie. 'This is mine!'
She gained entry with her PET (Personal Electric Thingie) and found her upgrade voucher on the last page of her copy of the Super Galactic Traveller Magazine - just after the Duty Free Shopping article.
'Look!' she said to the other two. 'While you're trying to find your rooms, I'll go and get my upgrade. I've had an idea.' She hurried back to the Embarkation Lobby, trying to ignore the Liftbot's account of life on an army pension and no disablement grant, and while the Deskbot reluctantly stamped her ticket with her upgrade to Second Class, she inquired:
'I suppose the Engine Room is aft, is it?'
'At the end of the Grand Axial Canal, Second Class, through which you are now entitled to pass. Here is another voucher entitling you to a free glass of Moon-swill at the Bar.' The Deskbot handed Nettie another ticket and switched itself off.
Nettie went as fast as she could - her high heels echoing round the loggia - towards the entrance to the Second Class Area.
Meanwhile, Lucy and Dan were trailing miserably round the SGT corridors pointing their Personal Electronic Thingies at each door in turn. But to no effect.
'What was Nettie's plan?' Dan decided to take their minds off the present hopeless task... 'She said something about the Engine Room,' grunted Lucy.
'Maybe she knows about engines?' said Dan.
'Nettle?! Oh sure! Hey! There was a click! I swear!' Lucy tried one of the doors, but it was resolutely shut against them.
'Well, you know, for one of Nigel's bimbos that Nettle's pretty bright.' Dan nodded to himself.
'Oh. I didn't realize you were interested in her mind,' replied Lucy.
'What's that supposed to mean?' Dan was taken by surprise.
'It's opening!' exclaimed Lucy as one door seemed to give for a moment. 'Oh! No, it isn't.
'She's a nice girl,' said Dan.
'You ought to know. You've been ogling her ever since dinner... God! When was that? It seems like a lifetime ago!'
'I wasn't ogling her.' Dan's 'injured innocence' count was incredibly high some days.
'Anyway' Lucy was now working off her frustration - 'if Nettle's so bright, how come she allows Nigel to treat her like a Barbie doll?'
'Does she?'
'That sort of woman makes me sick! Why doesn't she stand up for herself?'
'She still might be quite bright,' Dan ventured without much hope. Lucy's powers of certitude always had a crushing effect on him.
'There is no correlation between size of brain and size of tits, penis-head!' Lucy had a cruel side.
'Got it!' Dan had just pointed his PET at a door and it had - wonderfully and graciously - swung open for them.
'Translatorspecs!' Lucy rapped out her order to the lampstand, found the Super Galactic Traveller Magazine stuck in a rack alongside a leaflet about aerobics classes, a list of self-operated washing machine facilities available to SGT passengers, a 132-page form in which to record your personal passenger-satisfaction rating, and a small leaflet entitled: 'What To Do In The Event Of Fire'. Evidently the recommended action was to stay extremely calm and remain cool at all times. You were advised to stay in your cabins and not to fly and contact any of the staff. And, once again, you were admonished to remain relaxed and enjoy the remainder of the flight.